A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
Chocolate is a Vegetable!! Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS. Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. Remember: "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"
Don't anybody take offence to the following, I got all the questions wrong. I know some of you out there are thick, so here is your chance to prove me wrong. I am going to ask you three questions. And you have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time you have to answer immediately. O.K.? Let's find just how clever you really are ...... Ready? GO!! First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second. What position do you finish? NOW! See the answer below.. Answer: If you answer that you arrived first, then you are absolutely wrong!!! Cause you overtake the second and you take his place so you arrived second!!! !! To answer the second question don't take as much time as you took the first question. Second Question: If you overtake the last then you arrive...? Answer: If you answer that you arrived second last then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST !!!! The question is wrong! You're not very good at this are you??? Third Question Subject: *Very very Tricky maths! Note: This riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT using paper and a pen. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? Answer Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don' t believe it? Check with your calculator! The decimal sequence confuses our brain,that always jumps to the highest decimals (100s instead of 10s). That should have you in a bad mood for the rest of the day!!! I knew u were thick! You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes with your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realise you had set it free........You either married it or gave birth to it. Insanity is my only means of relaxation. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a 2lb box of candy can make a woman gain 5lbs. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. The nice part about living in a small town is, if you don't know what you're doing, somesone else does. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like 'You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.' Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said 'Body. how'd you like to go to the 6o'clock class in vigorous ttraining?' Clear as a bell my body said 'Listen witch.....do it and die.' The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating to much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. If men can rule the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
A new two year degree course is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in; "Becoming A Real Man." That's right, in just six mini-semesters, you too can become a real man, as well as earning an MA (Male Arts) degree. Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Autumn schedule: Men 101: Combating stupidity. Men 102: You too can do housework. Men 103: PMS - learn when to keep your mouth shut. Men 104: We do not want sleazy underwear for Christmas. Winter schedule: Men 110: Wonderful laundry techniques. Men 111: Understanding the female response to getting in at 4am Men 112: Parenting - it doesn't end with conception. Eat 100: Get a life, learn to cook. Eat 101: Get a life, learn to cook ll. Econ 001A: What's hers is hers. Spring schedule: Men 120: How NOT to act like a butt face when you're wrong. Men 121: Understanding your incompetence. Men 122: YOU, the weaker sex. Men 123: Reasons to give flowers. Econ 001C: What was yours is hers. SECOND YEAR Autumn schedule: Sex 101: You CAN fall asleep without it. Sex 102: Morning dilemma - if you're awake, take a shower. Sex 103: How to stay awake after sex. Men 201: How to put the toilet seat down. Winter schedule: Men 210: The remote control - overcoming your dependency. Men 211: How not to act younger than your children. Men 212: You too can be a designated driver. Men 213: Honestly, you don't look like Tom Cruise. Men 230A: Her birthdays and anniversaries are important. Spring schedule: Men 220: Omitting %&*! from your vocabulary (pass/fail only.) Men 221: Fluffing the blanket after farting is not necessary. Men 222: Real men ask for directions. Men 223: Thirty minutes of begging is NOT considered foreplay. Course Electives: Eat 101: Cooking with Tofu. Eat 102: Utilisation of eating utensils. Eat 103: Burping and belching discreetly. Men 231: Mothers-in-law. Men 232: Appear to be listening. Men 233; How to say "Yes Dear." ECON 001C: Cheaper to keep her.
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead." Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself. I put her there to dry."
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. The employee was consiquently fired after the incident. (now I know why they record these conversations!) "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV." "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power failure." "A power............a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer!!!"
A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?"
"Hello, .... and welcome to the mental health hotline........ *If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. *If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. *If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. *If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. *If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. *If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. *If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. *If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. *If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. *If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. *If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. *If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. *If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. *If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you. *If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sear's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping." (Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?) On bottle of Boots children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?) On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." ( Step 3: Fly Delta.) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
