If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let' em go, because, man, they're gone.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is," God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone
run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a
shot at him and not feel too bad.
When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his
cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that
Uncle Caveman was a bear.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody
walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just
woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a
complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and
begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I'm a coward.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And
then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I
think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and
asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
I bet for an Indian shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her
shotgun in the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe
we'll never know.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get
some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I
caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet,
motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt
and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher
said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the
others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying
to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to
the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the
most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and
people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries
to kill you.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces,
and this is what annoys me.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming
home his face might burn up.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in
those genitals.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy,
but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I
think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the
person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note
that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think
you should buck him off right away.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy
screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch
for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she
started saying it was a joke -- just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable -- until I realized
it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!!
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, in the story of Popeye.
Laurie got offended because I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of
tuberculosis.
