Growing Pains

Mary Cassatt was the only American artist welcomed by the French Impressionists, La Societe anonyme des artistes, she was introduced to this emerging elite by Degas. Mary Cassatt is most known for her endearing paintings of mothers and children, scenes depicted as nurturing and happy. So, the drab, unfocused quality of a forlorn child absent from her mother is a distinct departure from Cassatt's work during this period. Perhaps that is why I was so taken with the sad, gray expression of the lone girl.

In September of 1983, two years after the advent of my lonely battle with an eating disorder yet to be discovered by my parents, I wrote this piece:

"I have been that little girl this past year: quiet, sad, introspective, and feeling out of place. The big straw hat and her brooding pout remind me of myself. The artist captures so vividly the emotions of a troubled child like me.

Cry, little girl in your droopy hat, cry for all the terror and fears characteristic of being alone. LIve in your drab, olive backdrop, but how can you help me release myself from this private hell? I try so hard to embrace God through prayer and study, writing, and music. Love is the answer, but not the kind born out of responsibility or moral obligation. The kind of love and understanding I seek is from my parents truly and unconditionally acknowledging my own special qualities and embracing me as a whole person."

It is obvious why I would identify with this painting. The little girl appears so sad and lonely, just like myself. As complex as the interpretation of art is unravelling the fabric of a complex individual. Many anorexics and bulimics claim that they accidentally stumbled into the world of weight obsession which soon overcoame them like the plague. I can only speak for myself, and I admit that while the anorexia feels like a cancer that metastasizes rampantly throughout your body and mind, I understood at a deeper level, what I was doing to myself. Frankly, I reveled in losing the weight. I was very sick, but after many sessions of therapy, I became perfectly aware of the issues contributing to my obsession with slenderness. I just couldn't stop!

Anorexics and bulimics, in general, are individuals of above average, even superior, intelligence. In fact, I have attended groups and met nutritionists, nurses, lawyers, and graduate students; all of whom have a complete knowledge of this disease, but are unable to untangle themselves from its web. We are bright, attractive, financially secure for the most part, yet we continue to deny our womaness, to deny ourselves nourishment amidst plenty.

It is a sad state of affairs that so many adolescents and young women fall prey to the dieting scourge. (About 1% of our population!) We possess the potential to lead prosperous, fulfilling lives, yet we continue to conform to some irrational, impossible mandate that we are expected to be ever slender; that we are not complete regardless of our intellectual, artistic, athletic achievements. Plump women are accused of being indulgent, even vulgar, while this idea for the most part is in complete disregard for women's health. Women are very different from men physiologically. Our bodies are meant to be voluptous and fleshy; after all, our bodies are designed for procreation, not deprivation.

The Women's Movement encouraged women to join the workforce, to allow women the same privileges as men. What the movement failed to foresee, was that women not only be accepted into the work place, but that they would still be expected to be the primary care givers, maintain a clean home, put dinner on the table, and still have enough strength to continue such drudgery day after day!

This lifestyle is ripe for the development of eating disorders. Also, expectations arose for girls to achieve in sports, academia, and still remain feminine, romantic, and beautiful. With all these pressures, the one thing the adolescent or adult has control over is the food which she puts into her body. She can revel in the satisfaction of being disciplined enough to deny herself food. Unfortunately, this control measure begins to consume her, and while her eating may be under control, the rest of her life begins to deteriorate.

It is well known in the literature that significant life events such as high school graduation, leaving home, puberty, and other truamatic events can trigger the onset or relapse of an eating disorder. Suddenly, a young woman's structure or daily routine is altered and she feels out of control and fearful that she will be incapable.

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