Coping with Loss

I don't consider myself to be a religous person, but on my second prenatal visit I have never found myself praying so hard. My doctor came in and asked routine questions one of which was, "Do you feel pregnant?" I was affraid to answer how I really felt and just said yes. I had told my husband a week prior to this visit that something just didn't feel quite right. She began to check my baby for the heartbeat. She searched for what seemed like an eternity and all I could think was "God, please let her find it." She didn't find a heartbeat with her little machine so she decided to do an ultrasound. I didn't think much of it, because she did one at 12 weeks with my son also.

We got into the room with the ultrasound machine and she prepared my stomach for the procedure. She couldn't see the baby very well and decided to do a intra-vaginal ultrasound. All I could think at the time was how unpleasant. As she was doing the external exam she said that I wasn't as far along as I thought. I knew something wasn't right then. Once she started the internal exam she found the baby immediatly and measured it. The result said 11 weeks, she searched for a long time and the only thing I could look at was the space where the little heart should be beating. I saw nothing, she looked for 3 mins. at least and then she said, "I think this baby has been dead a week". I have never actually felt my heart break until that moment. I fought back the tears as she discussed the different options. I could have a D&C (I had no idea what that meant), or I could let it pass naturally. I couldn't answer her at the time, I didn't even want to accept the thought of loosing the baby I wanted so badly. She sent me for another ultrasound at an outside office, where they only confirmed what the Dr. had already told me. It was no easier to hear the second time. They contacted my Dr. and had me return to her office.

Inside the office I knew I would have to decide between letting my body naturally expell the baby, which could take a month or more or having the D and C. I opted for the D and C and was soon prepared for it. It started with an examination to see if I was dialating on my own, I was not. So the next step was the insertion of a sea weed type insert this would help my cervix to dialate so the Dr. could perform the surgery. This was painful, when the cervix isn't dialated they have to pinch it with a long insturment so that they can get the insert in, the pain didn't last too long but it really did hurt. Now I wait, I have to wait for the insert to take effect and I go into surgery in the morning.

I went into the hospital at 11:30 am on July 15, 1998 to be admitted into short stay, I filled out the paperwork and got dressed. They prepared me for surgery by inserting my IV, a lactose solution, and a piggy back of antibiotics. I was wheeled into surgery at 1:20 and woke up in recovery at 3:00. I woke up groggy and in pain, I didn't know what hurt I just knew it did. I got a shot of Demerol and was taken up to my room. I was greeted my my 2 year old son, who was all hugs and kisses. I know that I couldn't have made it with out him there. I felt so quilty having my son there, the woman in the next bed was also having a D&C. She and her husband seemed to tollerate him but I still felt quilty.

The next day I felt out of it still, it could be the effects of the anistetic still in my system. The rest of my body felt fine, no pain to speak of just the pain in my heart and the overwhelming since of loss. Now, a week later it is hard for me to believe that I lost the baby, part of my believes that I am still pregnant. I think it is my heart, as I listen to my mind tell my heart that that baby is gone I find myself weeping once again. I didn't know how much that one picture of my baby from the ultra sound would mean, now I know leaving it hanging in the machine was not the right thing for me to do. I am sure it is long since gone in the trash. The only proof that there was someone inside of me, besides the aching in my heart, which no one will ever see. Because I didn't know what the babys sex was I named the baby Patrick Aaron Scott. (My dr. told me it was a boy :o) ) I write this in loving memory of the baby lost on July 5, 1998.



I will be adding links to different loss discussion boards that have helped me through this difficult time. If you need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on please feel free to email me. I am happy to help in anyway I can and I am a strong believer that talking about this is the only real way to help get through it. :o) If you know of any boards that I don't have listed please email me the information. Thank you

Links

Go to the Pregnancy Today's Loss Support Board
Go to Stork Net

I have found both of these sites informative and helpful. There are a lot of very nice people who made this a lot easier for me to understand.

Books
I am currantly reading "Our Stories of Miscarriage, healing with words" Edited by Rachel Faldet and Karen Fitton
So far I like this book, it is women sharing their stories of loss. It makes me realize that this happens to a lot of women, it even has stories from men.

If you are looking for books on this subject there are several at Amazon.com There are reviews on each of the books and good prices.






TheGreatScotts@Prodigy.net