SETTING: Mr. Zero's Pawn Shop

Peter: (enters pawn shop)        
       Hello?  Anybody home?

(Mr. Zero appears)

Peter: (startled) Oh!

Zero: Buying or selling?

Peter: Well, neither, I'm just browsing.

Zero: Before the day is out you may be doing a little of both.

(Zero rests hand on Peter's shoulder and burns his shirt)

Peter: You have a lot of groovy instruments here.

Zero: They represent the lifes of musicians, who have, shall we
      say, fallen on bad times.

Peter: Don't they ever come back to claim these?

Zero: You know how musicians are -- here today, gone tomorrow.

Peter: That's very true.  I'm a musician, and I'm here today
       myself.

Zero: Well then ... look around.

Peter: (sees harp)
        A harp.  Oh, this is beautiful. Oh. Look at this work. This
        is fine.  I've always loved the harp.

Zero: I'm sure when you say love, you mean need or desire. No one
      loves things anymore.

Peter: I do. I love this harp. But I don't have any money.

Zero: What a pity. (covers harp with sheet)

Peter: I'd give anything for this harp.

Zero: Well in that case ... 
     (takes cover off harp, produces contract)
      Just sign this simple contract, and the harp is yours. Play
      now, pay later.

(Peter signs contract)

Peter: Sort of like consignment.

Zero: Exactly.

Peter: This is awfully kind of you.

(carries harp out of store)

Zero: (on phone to Hell) This is himself.  Make a reservation for
       one.  I've just purchased the soul of a Mr. Peter Tork.

Voice over: Soul. Some say it's a man's heart, or spirit. Certainly
            we cannot live without it, for no man can live without
            love.


MONKEES THEME


SETTING: Monkees' apartment

Peter: It's a beautiful harp, isn't it.

Nesmith: Yeah, it's a beautiful harp, and beautiful music comes
         from beautiful harps. Everyone I know loves a harp.
         There's only one thing ... you can't play the harp.

Micky: That's right, babe.  You better bring it back.

(Micky and Davy leave)

Peter: Hey guys? 
       (to Mike) I guess you're right, I can't play the harp.

Nesmith: Yeah, I know it's a drag, Pete, but you'd be a whole lot
         better if you just take it back.

(Mr. Zero appears in a puff of smoke)

Nesmith: Woo!  You'd better cut down on your smoking. *coughs*

Zero: Who's this?

Peter: That's Mike.

Nesmith: Who's this?

Peter: That's Mr. Zero. He's the one who sold me the harp.

Zero: What do you need him for, now that you have your harp.

Nesmith: Oh, you know, I do odd jobs around here.  Like, I clean
         the kitchen or I sweep up.

(Broom appears in Mike's hand)

Zero: You won't need people like him anymore, Peter. I can make you
      famous.

Nesmith: (fed up) I'll see you guys later.

Zero: Now Peter, you can play. Play Peter.

(Peter sits at harp)

Peter: I know this isn't a joke, because you wouldn't joke about a
       thing like this knowing how I feel about the harp cause it would be
       a very cruel joke.

Zero: I'm not joking. Play Peter.

(Peter plays the harp beautifully)

Zero: Yes Peter, I can make you famous.

(Zero disappears)

(Mike and Micky enter room)

Micky: Hey, Pete, that's, uh, pretty good.

Nesmith: Yeah, uh, how'd you learn to do that so fast?

Peter: Mr. Zero taught m ... he's gone.

(Davy enters room)

Davy: Hey, I thought you were going to get rid of that thing.

Micky: Hey, no, wait he's really into it.

Davy: But it takes up too much room.

Micky: Show him, Pete. Go ahead.

Nesmith: Yeah.

(Peter plays harp)

Davy: That's what I said, it's nice to have a harp around the house. 

Peter: Do you think we could work it into the act?

Micky: (as newsboy) Extra! Extra! Read all about it.  Rock 'n' roll
       group gains fame and fortune by introducing harp into act.

Nesmith: Come on, Micky.  Everybody knows that nobody in the world was
         ever an overnight success.
         (on phone) Hello?

On phone: Harry's booking agency.  I understand you guys have got a
          harp act.

Nesmith: A harp act, uh, you're right.

On phone: You're going to be an overnight success.

Nesmith: Well, uh, thank you very much.
         (to the guys) Huh, that's a flash.

Micky: What?

Nesmith: We're going to be an overnight success.

(Concert montage)

Headline 1: Monkees Intro Harp

Headline 2: Monkees Harp a hit

Headline 3: Monkees' harp is happening


SETTING: Monkees' apartment

Micky: Keep playing Peter, I can't believe all the mail that's coming
       in.  Another 500 letters.

Davy: Oh boy, man, we've got so many offers.  We've got one here from
      London, Chicago, New York ...

Zero: Peter.

Micky: Hey, who's that? Is it that Zero guy?

Nesmith: Yeah, Smoky the Bear.

Zero: Well, Peter, are you pleased?

Peter: I like the music, Mr. Zero. When I play the harp it makes people
       happy.

Zero: Of course, and the money is unimportant, hm?

(Peter shrugs adorably)

      Now there's one piece of unfinished business left to discuss.

(contract appears)

Davy: O!

Zero: The contract.

Nesmith: Oh, the hitch. There had to be a hitch, right?
         (takes contract)
         Excuse me.  Look at this.  Says, Peter ... Peter! This is a contract
         with the devil.

Zero: I'm so glad I don't have to introduce myself.

Nesmith: It says you sold your soul to ...

Peter: I don't believe in devils.

Zero: Precisely why your soul is so interesting.  Innocence is at a
      premium.

Micky: Come on, man, you're putting us on.

(Micky's chair breaks, Davy's shirt disappears, Mike acquires broom)

Nesmith: He's the devil.

Davy: He really is the devil.

Micky: Devil or not, he's a rotten house guest.

Zero: Well, Peter, I think we'd better go.  You know, according to the
      terms of the contract your soul must be turned over by midnight.

Davy: O!

Nesmith: Oh, well, wait a minute, it's only 8:00.

Zero: Just trying to beat the cross-town traffic.

Nesmith: Well, alright, Peter wants his other four hours, please, 
         thank-you.
 
Zero: Of course. Use all your time, but remember, midnight.

(Mike loses broom, Davy regains shirt, Micky regains seat)

Nesmith: Uh-buh.

Davy: Don't get too upset, Peter.  It might not be all that bad.

Micky: Nah, of course not.  All those things you read about, it
       couldn't be true.

Nesmith: Uh, don't worry, Pete.  It'll be alright. Don't worry, we'll do
         something.

Peter: Fellas, I'm scared.  I don't want to go to He ...

SALESMAN romp

Nesmith: Ooh. So that's what *whistle* is all about.

Davy: Yeah, *whistle*.  It's pretty scary.

Micky: You know what's even more scary? 

P. What?

Micky: You can't say *whistle* on television.

Nesmith: Now look.  There's no reason to get up-tight.  There's no reason
         to lose our senses. We gotta remember that we're dealing with a
         cool, diabolical mind.

Peter: Thank you.

Nesmith: No, I'm talking about the devil.

Peter: Oh.

Micky: Don't worry guys, I've got everything under control.  When he
       comes through that door I'll take this wooden stake and ...

(Zero appears, stake turns into feather)
 
Micky: ... tickle his nose. *laughs nervously*

Zero: Are you ready, Peter?

Micky: Uh, no, no, he's not ready. He, he, uh, left his suit at the
       cleaners.

Davy: He's got to write a letter to his mother.

Peter: I've got a million things to do. Could it be tomorrow?

Nesmith: Oh, I remember reading it in the paper. Due to lack of interest,
tomorrow's canceled so we'll have to make it the day after 
tomorrow.

Zero: Don't worry, Peter. You'll like it down below.

Peter: What about the fires?

Zero: People are always talking about the fires. You don't burn, all
      you feel is a sense of depression.

Davy: Uh,wait a minute, Mr. Zero, I'd like to make a deal with you. 
      It doesn't really matter who's soul you get, does it?  Why don't you
      leave Peter and take me instead?

Zero: My contract is with Peter.

Davy: You're not taking him.

Zero: It's 12:00 Peter, time to go.

Micky: No you can't have him, devil, no he's staying here.

Zero: Peter, come along, Peter.

Micky: No, he can't leave.

Zero: Let go, let go.

Peter: Hey, wait a minute. Could you flip a coin and I'll go with the
       winner?

Micky: No, Peter, you're coming with us.

Nesmith: Wait a minute. We really can't stop him if he has a contract.

Zero: Exactly.

Nesmith: If that contract's good.

Zero: It's legal and valid.

Nesmith: Well, I don't think so and I'm willing to go to court to test it.

Zero: Why can't you young people just accept the devil and be done
      with it.  We have, uh, 10 more minutes to go. We will convene a
      court.

(Zero claps his hands and they all find themselves in Hell's court)

SETTING: Hell's Court

      Presiding over the court ... Judge Roy Bean.  

Roy Bean: Guilty!

Zero: Sometimes known as the hanging judge.

Roy Bean: Hang 'em!

Nesmith: Hey, wait a minute.

Zero: The jury will consist of 12 condemned men from Devil's Island.

Jury: You'll soon be one of us.  You'll soon be one of us.

Micky: Don't worry, Peter, it's kind of like joining a club.

Jury: Welcome to the club.

Peter: I wish they wouldn't do that.

Roy Bean: Guilty!

Zero: I would like to call the first witness.  Billy the Kid.

(Kid appears)

Davy: Why do they call him "The Kid"?

Micky: Because, he, he, doesn't kid.
       Sorry.

Nesmith: No, it's okay.

Zero: Well, remember we entered into a contract in the year 1882.  I
      offered you, in return for your soul, to make you the most famous
      gunfighter in the west.  And did I keep my part of the bargain?

Billy the Kid: You sure did.  And I'll shoot the first man who says you
               didn't.

Zero: Your witness.

Micky: Who'll take the first defense?

Nesmith: Well, I don't know, why don't you take it?

Micky: Huh-huh.

Davy: Let's choose for it.

Micky: Okay, let's choose fingers for it. The odd finger's it. Ready.

All: One, two, three.

(show fingers, Micky and Davy have two, Mike has one)

Micky: You have the odd finger, Mike.

Nesmith: Well, I don't see what's so odd about it. Just as normal as
         everyone else's.

Micky: You've the odd finger, Mike.

Nesmith: Well, I've seen my fingers around alot.

Micky: You have the odd finger, Mike.

Nesmith: I got the odd finger.  I gotta go talk to Billy-poo over here,
         huh. Say something, uh. Well, Mr. Kid.

(Kid pulls gun on Mike)

         Well, that's just a figure of speech. (laughs nervously)

Kid: Speak your peace, it's gonna be your last.

Nesmith: Hmm, in 1882, Mr. Zero promised to make you the most famous
         gunfighter in the west, did he not?

Kid: That's right.

Nesmith: And he did, and you are, and I don't really think there much
         more to talk about.  Just run right on out there, and shoot people,
         famous.

Micky: What the?

Nesmith: Well, there's no sense in antagonizing the jury.

Jury: You'll soon be one of us.

Micky: They look antagonized enough as it is.

Zero: Shall we close the case?

Micky: Your honour, I insist the prosecution call another witness.

Roy Bean: On what grounds?

Micky: On the grounds, that, um, the television show's not over.  We
       have to, um, have a little more. 
       How was that, pretty good?

Nesmith: Oh (a-ok sign)

Zero: Of course. Why not? I have many clients.  

Davy: Don't worry, we'll get him on the next witness.

Zero: I call to the stand, Blackbeard the pirate, the scourge of the
      seas.

(Blackbeard appears)

Blackbeard: *laughing*  Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum, I smell the blood of
            an englishman.

Davy: O! That's me. It is me.

Micky: Wait...

Davy: Excuse me, Mr. Black, uhm, Mr. Beard ...

Blackbeard: Drink.

Davy: Oh, no.  Thank you.

Blackbeard: What's your name, lad?

Davy: Um, David Jones.

Blackbeard: So you want to go to sea, do ya?

Davy: Oh, no, I don't want to go to sea.

Blackbeard: Sure you do. The rough sea makes rough men.

(makes rocking motion with bottle)

Davy: Um, excuse me Mr. Black.

Blackbeard: I always did like young sailors, with the swell of the ocean in
            their veins.

Davy: (feeling seasick) Don't say swell.

Blackbeard: The rocking motion of the waves.

Davy: Don't say rock.

Blackbeard: And the fresh, salt sea air.

Davy: Don't say air.

(staggers back to table)

Nesmith: Why've we stopped? I get sick being still.

Davy: Was that a rough crossing.

Micky: Don't worry, Davy, we'll get him on the next witness.

Zero: And for my next witness. Attila the Hun.

(Attila appears)

Micky: At last a co-operative witness.

Nesmith: Big fella. Alright look, go in there and pin him down.  Don't
         let him get away on a point.

Micky: Okay, baby. Don't let him go. Just like in "Inherit the Wind", 
       boy. I'm gonna learn that. Just like in "Inherit the Wind".  

Nesmith: "Inherit the Wind", sure.

Micky: Spenser Tracy, baby.

Nesmith: Alright go.

Micky: Here I go.

Nesmith: Go.

Micky: Alright. Alright Mr. Hun. uh, just as a point of clarification, what year
       did you enter your contract with the devil.

Hun: Kobichibiwa

Micky: Ha, habisoma kobahowaha?

Hun: Komshimiti.

Micky: Ho, ho, homichow.

Hun: Hochibila.

Micky: My, my, kochima eldo doia!

Hun: Komichmidae.

Micky: Hai, kochimichimi eday nai awuta!

Hun: Haitchack homichicauwa! Hoshimikata homlukata.

Micky: My hatchtuna kee machata!

(they continue to argue)

Nesmith: Lukatya!

(gong sounds)

Hun: *bows*

Micky: What did you say?

Nesmith: Ida know.

Zero: The prosecution rests.

Micky: Then the defense will rest also.

Roy Bean: Until what time would you like to rest?

M. Until we think of something better.

Roy Bean: I think we've heard enough. We can pass sentence.

Nesmith: Uh, the defense would like to call it's first witness.

Roy Bean: And who is that?

Nesmith: Mr. Zero.

Zero: Why, I'd only be too happy to take the stand.

Davy: Would you please raise your right hand, and put your left hand
      on the Bible?

Zero: You must be joking.

Davy: Um, can I interest anybody in taking a quick peek at this book
      here. It's been on the bestsellers list for many years.

Roy Bean: We don't read.

Micky: We can run the picture for you. 3 hours of glorious color, full
       wide screen, with stereophonic sound and popcorn.

Zero: My dear boy, I appeared in that picture.  The garden scene, I
      played the snake.

Nesmith: Now, uh, Mr. Zero.  Aside from these witnesses, what else do you
         present as evidence.

Zero: This contract, in exchange for fame fortune and the ability to
      play the harp I purchased Peter Tork's soul.  Is this your
      signature, Mr. Tork?

Peter:  Don't call me mister, I'm just a kid.

Roy Bean: Guilty!

Nesmith: Well, I say that contract is null and void because in fact, Mr.
         Zero, you didn't give Peter anything in return for his soul.

Zero: I gave him fame and fortune.

Nesmith: Well, you gave him fame and fortune, but Peter didn't want fame
         and fortune, you see. All Peter wanted was just his music. He just
         wanted to play the harp, that's all.

Zero: I gave him the ability to play the harp.In return for his soul.

Peter: You know, it was almost worth it.

Nesmith: No, you didn't give him the ability to play the harp. You see,
         you see Peter loved the harp, and he loved, he loved the music that
         came from the harp and that was inside of him. And, uh, it came,
         um, it was the power of that love was inside of Peter. It was
         inside of of him from the first. And it was that kind of power that
         made Peter able to play the harp and you didn't have anything to do
         with it at all.
 
Zero: (laughs)

Nesmith: Don't you understand what that means when you have that inside
         of you?  What what what comes out.  Uh, if you love music, man, you
         can play music. If, uh, people say I can't carry a note, I can't, I
         can't say, I can't sing, I, I'm tone deaf. But nobody's tone deaf
         and if you love music you can play music. And all it takes is just
         love, because, uh, because, baby, in the final analysis, love is
         power. That's where the power's at. And and and you want to tell me
         that you gave it to him but I know different, because I'm a
         musician.  And, uh, well, that's really all there is to that.

Zero: Love. *laughs* You make me laugh.
      There, I've taken the power away. Play your harp.  See what he can
      do with it now.

Nesmith: Okay, go play the harp.

Peter: Michael, I can't.

Nesmith: Didn't you hear what I said to Zero, man?  Look. The power's 
inside you. Nobody can give it to you, and nobody can take it away.
Now go play the harp.

Peter: Okay Mike.

(Peter plays beautiful solo harp version of "I Wanna Be Free")

(Everyone cries and/or smiles)

Roy Bean: I declare the defendant ... NOT GUILTY!

*cheering*

(devil is sent back to hell)

Roy Bean: Do you know "Melancholy Baby"?

*laughing*

Nesmith: It's all part of the show.

NO TIME video