Beginning missing!

SETTING: Cartwright House

Vallerie:  Ronnie, and they're not Chipmunks, they're the Monkees.

Ronnie:  (to Vallerie) But they're dreadful.
         (to Monkees) Ah ha ha ha.

Monkees: Ah ha ha ha.

Ronnie:  (to Vallerie) All that hair.

Vallerie:  (to Ronnie) Ronnie, please.
           (to Monkees) Thank you very much fellas.  That will be a week from 
           Saturday.

Monkees: (mumbling)

Vallerie:  I'll see you then.  
           Come on, Ronnie.

Ronnie:  Ohhh.

(Vallerie leaves the room, and the Ronnie and Pete try to.)

Ronnie:  I beg your pardon.  A gentleman does not stare at a lady.

Peter:  A beggar can look at a queen.

Ronnie:  Oh.  Nevertheless.  I thought you gentlemen might like to know I found 
         your music primitive, grotesque and ugly.

Micky:  But it sure keeps your foot tappin', don't it?
        (Drums.)

(Ronnie leaves the room.)

Nesmith:  I don't like him at all.

Davy:  I don't like him either.

Micky:  I don't like him that much.

(Peter stares adoringly at Vallerie's portrait.)

SETTING: In Monkeemobile

Nesmith:  Guys, you ready?  Lets go!  

Davy:  Pete?

Nesmith:  Pete?

Peter:  (talking to painting) And then when I was eight years old my family
        moved to Connecticut and they took me with them and they put me in a
        private school for a year, but I didn't like that so them they put me
        in a public school the year after that.

Micky:  Let's split!

Peter:  ... because I wasn't at all happy at the private school.

(Opening Credits)

SETTING:  Monkees' Pad

(Peter rubbing noses with Vallerie's painting.)

Nesmith:  Hey listen, Pete.  Um, you know, if you really dig a chick you should
          tell her ... you shouldn't steal her picture.

Peter:  I can't talk to girls.

Micky:  Hey it's easy man!  Talk ... pshaw, come on.  I'll show you.

SETTING: Cartwright's garden

Micky:  It worked great in "Cyrano de Bergerac".

Peter:  Yeah, but what if I freeze up?

Micky:  Shhh.  Don't worry.  Just keep your lips moving and we'll do the rest.  

(Upstairs door opens.)

Micky:  Here she comes, now call her.

Peter:  M-M-Miss Cartright?

(Peter moves his lips, while the others speak for him.)

Micky:  I love you, my dear, more than I can tell you.

Nesmith:  Love you ...

Ronnie:  Vallerie, darling, come inside, it's chilly out here.

Vallerie:  I thought I heard someone.

Davy:  I love you more every day of the week.

Micky:  I love you twice as much on Friday because I want the weekend off.

Nesmith:  This is working great, man.  Let's do more.  Go, go, go.

Davy:  Speak to me, speak to me, my darling.  I love you.  Let me caress your
       head.  Let me kiss you.  I love you.  Let me kiss you.  Ohhh.  I love
       you like the swallow-tailed dove.

Nesmith:  I love you like the ...

(Gardener punches Peter.)

Monkees:  Ohhhh.

SETTING: Monkees' Pad

Micky:  Come on, cheer up, Big Peter.  It didn't work for Cyrano either!

Peter:  I'm not good even by proxy.

Micky:  I'll tell you what I do know.  You've got to get that picture back
        before we all get in trouble.
 
(Knock on door, Micky looks to see who it is.)

Micky:  It's Miss Cartwright!  Hide the picture!

(Mike and Davy hide portrait behind a mirror.)

Micky:  Come Cart Miss in right!  I mean, uh, hi.

Vallerie:  Hi.  Just thought I'd stop by and see what music you'll be playing
           at the party.

Micky:  Oh, ah, ah, I thought we'd start out with, uh, "Last Train to
        Portrait".  I mean, ah, hi.

Vallerie:  You remember Ronnie Farnsworth?

Ronnie:  What a dump!  This place is incredible.  You'd have to call an
         interior decorator in if you wanted to condemn it.  Look at that
         lamp.  Look at that table.  Look at that person.  Look at that mirror.

         (to Mike) You, ah, really get a big kick out of yourself, don't ya.

Nesmith:  Yeah, well I'm all I have.

Ronnie:  That's too bad.

(Mirror slips a bit.)

Ronnie:  Vallerie, Vallerie ... that is your portrait!  They're the ones who
         stole it!  I'm going to contact the authorities!

Micky:  You do and I'll be sorry!

Peter:  I took the picture, Miss Cartwright.

Vallerie:  That's alright, Peter.  You can return it at the party.
           Come on, Ronnie.

(Vallerie leaves.)

Ronnie:  Monkees!

(Ronnie leaves.)

(Micky pantomimes fight with Ronnie.)

Nesmith:  Come on, Micky, cool it.  Now Ronnie's got a lot of very redeeming
          qualities.

Davy:  (dressed as old woman) He probably loves his mother.

Micky:  (with stuffed monkey) He's probably very kind to dumb animals.

Peter:  (on hospital bed) He probably gives to the Red Cross.

Nesmith:  Anything else?

Monkees:  (dressed as cavemen) We attack!  
          (War cry, pounding on chests, coughing)

SETTING: Outdoor Cafe, downtown Centerville

Ronnie:  Only the best for you, my dear.  Garcon!  Garcon!  Some, ah,
         champagne, the best in the house.

Davy: (As waiter) Oui, monsieur.

Ronnie:  You look beautiful tonight, my dear.  Absolutely ravishing.

(Davy gets bottle of champagne, and pounds cork in tightly.)

Davy:  Champagne, sir?

Ronnie:  Ah yes.  Champagne.  Only, only one who is born to the grape knows the
         proper way to open champagne, here let me.
         (Struggles, pops out cork and knocks down a building.)

SETTING: Park

Ronnie:  Art, Vallerie, art!

Vallerie:  That's nice.

Ronnie:  Oh Vallerie, no, no.  See that doesn't SAY anything, it's abs ... oh,
         but this!  I mean, this is magnificent.  
        
         (points at a large contruction of steel pipes)
        
         A comment on the over-mechanized structure of our society.  Ah, young
         man. Young man, are you the artist responsible for this magnificent
         creation?

Nesmith: (As park attendant) What are you, a nut?

Ronnie:  Oh, no.  I love it!  I'm an authority.  I must have it, I simply must
         have it.

Nesmith:  You can have it, but all it does it turn on the fountain.

(Ronnie gets water splashed in his face)

SETTING: Just outside Centerville Drugstore

Ronnie:  Vallerie, please understand he was making that up.  

Micky: (As salesman) Take a toy home for the little nipper, sir?

Ronnie:  Oh no, thank you very much.

Micky:  Ah, you don't like kids, huh?

Ronnie:  Of course I LIKE children very much.

Micky:  Oh, then you'll love our new Derby doll.  Here hold her.

Ronnie:  Oh, isn't she cute.

Micky:  Yeah, isn't she.  The only doll on the market that really wets ...

        (Ronnie gets wet)

        and spits ...

        (doll squirts water in Ronnie's eye)

        and screams.

        (doll shrieks)

Ronnie:  Say ... haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Micky:  Nope, sorry.  Gotta go now.

Ronnie:  (to camera) I'm beginning to smell a rat.

SETTING: Cartwright house

(Looking at a Monkees promo photo.)

Ronnie:  I told you Vallerie, I told you so.  Now there is the waiter, there is
         the park man, and there is the toy salesman.  A feeble plot to
         discredit me.  Well, well, two can play at this game.  Aha.

SETTING: Garden

Vallerie:  Hello Peter.

Peter:  Hello Miss Cartwright.

Ronnie:  Nice of you fellahs to join us for this afternoon.
         You've shot skeet before, haven't you Tork?

Peter:  Well, I, uh ...

Davy:  Well, actually Mr. Farnsworth, I happen to be an expert with a gun.

Ronnie:  Very well, Jones.  You don't mind if I shoot first, do you?

Davy:  Oh, go ahead.

Ronnie:  Alright, Jeeves.  Pull!

         (shoots the clay pigeon over his shoulder.)

         Hmmm.  Give it a go, Jones old boy.

         (Davy nearly shoots Jeeves)

         Close shot.

Ronnie:  Now the point of badminton is to hit the bird back and forth as hard
         as you can.  What do you say, Tork?  Should I serve first?

Peter:  Ah, uh ...

Micky:  I say badminton is my game, Farnsworth old bean.

Ronnie:  Very well, Dolenz.  May the best man win.

Micky:  Pray tell.

(Play badminton, bird ends up in Micky's mouth)

Ronnie:  Where's the bird, Dolenz?  

         (Micky spits out bird)

         Nice return, Dolenz.

Vallerie:  Ronnie.

Ronnie:  Vallerie.

SETTING: Monkees' Pad

Nesmith:  Well, I guess we blew it.  Man, those lawn games just aren't our bag.

Davy:  Sorry Peter.

SETTING: Cartwright house

Ronnie:  I was just trying to show you what they were.

Vallerie:  Ronnie, I don't care what you were trying to show me, but by shaming
           those boys you humiliated me, and yourself.

Ronnie:  Why are you calling him?

SETTING: Monkees' Pad

Peter:  She wants me to talk her to the party.

Micky:  Groovy man!  You made it!

Nesmith:  That's wonderful!

Peter:  I can't make that scene.  I don't know how to behave with a lady.

Micky:  Man, he really doesn't know how.

Nesmith:  He could learn.

("Forget that Girl" romp)

Davy:  Didn't you ever have a crush on anybody?

Peter:  Yeah, once.

Davy:  So, what did you do about it?

Peter:  I took her to a Cub Scout meeting.

Micky:  Didn't anybody ever have a crush on you or anything?

Peter:  I once got some threatening Valentines.

Nesmith:  You told me you used to play "Spin the Bottle."

Peter:  Yeah, but I always lost.

Nesmith:  Well maybe we can fix that.

(Monkees sitting in a circle with a GIRL.)

Nesmith:  We appreciate you coming.  We're just going to play "Spin the
          Bottle."  You know, the regular old party game where you spin the
          bottle and whoever the bottle points to gets a kiss.

Micky:  Who gets the bottle?

Nesmith:  Hey.  Okay, go ahead and spin it.

(Girl spins the bottle.  It stops at Davy.)

Davy:  Oh well.  What do you know?

(Kisses girl.)

Peter:  It always points to Davy.

Nesmith:  It does not either.  Go ahead.  Spin it again.

(Girl spins bottle, it starts to point at Davy.)

(Peter struggles with it.)

Micky:  Fight it, Big Peter!

(Stops at Davy.)

Peter:  See what I mean?

Davy:  I won again.

(Kisses girl.)

Nesmith:  Spin it one more time, and let ... oh, wait a minute.  Davy, ah, you
          leave the room.

(Davy goes to the door.)

          Out.

(Goes just outside the door.)

          Out, all the way out!  
          (to girl) Okay, go ahead, spin.

(Girl nudges bottle and it flies to Davy.)

Peter:  It always happens this way.

Micky:  This boy is very depressed.  He needs help.

Micky: (as Freud) Now tell me your problems, my boy.

Peter:  (on analyst's couch) Well, when I was very young, I used to be
embarrassed about kissing, but now I can talk very openly about

(looks around nervously)

s-e-x.

Micky:  Oh, ja, ja, ja.  Your problem is kaput!  I know, I know the problem. 
        Mother fixation.  You're too close to your mother!  Now don't you feel
        better?
       
       (phone rings)
      
       Ja.  Ja.  Yes, Mother, I vill.  I promise I vill.  Yes.  I promise I
       vill!  Ja, Ja!
      
       (to Peter)  It vas my Mother!  She tells me to put on my galoshes all
       the time and the whole day it's not even raining and she wants me to put
       on my galoshes.  You know, when I was a little boy my mother used to
       wrap my lunch in the road map.

Micky:  (peeling off fake beard) Man, I still think Freud could help.

Peter:  Well, then let Freud take her to the party, I can't go through with it.

Nesmith:  Oh, sure you can.  Besides, we'll be right up there on the bandstand
          giving you moral support.

Peter:  Promise?

SETTING: Cartwright House

Micky:  (quietly, to Peter) Remember, talk music, books and politics.

Peter:  (to Vallerie) I read an interesting music about books and politics the
        other day.  It was very interesting.

Micky:  (to Monkees) Oh man, he's gonna blow it.

Peter:  (to Vallerie) I was re-reading Hamlet the other day.  It's about this
        Danish prince.

Davy:  (to Monkees) Hey, we'd better do something before he starts to cry. 
       Come on.

Peter:  (to Vallerie) And then the queen drinks the poison and then she dies.

(Vallerie finishes her drink.)

Vallerie:  Peter, would you mind refilling this for me?

Peter:  Yes.  No.

Micky:  (as stockbroker)  Mr. Tork!  Mr. Tork!  I'm looking for Mr. Tork.  Is
        he ... oh, excuse me.  Mr. Tork!  I'm looking for a Mr. Peter Tork.  Oh
        yes.  Oh.  Hello.  I'm looking for Peter Tork.  I'm his stockbroker.  I
        have to tell him to sell short, before short changes his mind.

Vallerie:  I thought he was just a musician.  Is he very wealthy?

Micky:  W-w-wealthy?  Oh, he smokes ten cigars a day, and lights them with $100
        bills.

Vallerie:  That's an expensive habit.

Micky:  Well, not really, he gets the cigars wholesale.

Peter:  Here's your drink, Miss Cartwright.

Vallerie:  Peter, your stockbroker's here.

Peter:  My wha-?

Micky:  Good evening, Mr. Tork.  Have a cigar.

(Micky pops a cigar in Pete's mouth.)

Peter:  Ah, I don't smoke.

Micky:  The count told him to cut down.

Vallerie:  Ah.

Micky:  Go ahead, Mr. Tork, light up.  If you don't have any $100 bills, here,
        I have a blank cheque.

Vallerie:  Peter, you didn't tell me you were in the market.

Micky:  M-m-market!  You've heard of the New York Stock Exchange?

Vallerie:  Why, yes.

Micky:  Well, he owns the New Tork Stock Exchange.

Davy:  (as tailor) Oh, hello.  Have you seen Mr. Tork?  No you haven't?  Thank
       you very much, excuse me.  Yes.  Oh.  Hello, I'm Mr. Tork's private
       English tailor.

Vallerie:  Oh really?

Davy:  Yes, isn't that nice?  Yes.  Excuse me.  Now, Mr. Tork, I've told you
       before if you want that jacket by Thursday you're gonna have a fitting
       right now.  Can you hold me cloth, please?

Micky:  Oh, of course, hold your cloth.

Davy:  Let me see.  Shoulders, shoulders 38.

Micky:  Shoulders 38.

Davy:  Could you hold that, please?  Thank you.  Waist 18.

Micky:  Waist 18.

Davy:  Yes, head, neck 28.  Could I have my cloth, please?

Micky:  The cloth, sure.  Right away.

Davy:  Thank you very much.  Here we go.

(Micky and Davy talking)

       Okay, now we need to cut.  Don't worry we're gonna make a line down
       here, line here.  There, good.

Vallerie:  Peter, you're a surprise a minute.  Next thing I expect to see is
           the captain of your yacht!

Nesmith:  (as yacht captain)  Uh, Mr. Tork, would you like for me to bring the
          yacht around?  I'm the captain of his yacht, there.

Peter:  No, I came by bus.

Micky:  Oh, he came by bus.  That's very funny.  He is quite humourous.

Nesmith:  Will you be sleeping the cust-customary twenty people tonight?

Peter:  No, not tonight.

Nesmith:  No?  Look at the map, here, I show you.

Davy + Micky:  Look at the map.

(All talking)

Ronnie:  Oh, excuse me.
         HA!

Vallerie:  Ronnie!  What are you doing here?

Ronnie:  Oh!  I'm here to expose some Monkees, who are making a monkey out of
         you.

Micky:  Oh, I better get back to the stockmarket.

Nesmith:  Yeah, I left the yacht running.

Davy:  And I've got some alterations to make.

Ronnie:  Frauds!  Every one of them!  Yachtsman, brokers, tailors!  Ha!  They
         are just fifth rate musicians.

Micky:  Third rate musicians!

Ronnie:  You are being paid to play.  Play!
         It's true, isn't it, Tork?  Frauds, fraudulent frauds!

Peter:  It's true, it's true.  They're just my friends.  But they knew how much
        you meant to me.  And they wanted to make me out something special.

Vallerie:  But you are something special, Peter.

Peter:  Me?

Vallerie:  You didn't have to do all of this.  I think you're a fine enough
           person just being yourself.

Nesmith:  Hello everybody.  We're the Monkees, and for the first song we'd like
          to do tonight is "You Just May Be the One."


Peter:  First dance is mine.

Ronnie:  No, no, no, no, no.  Vallerie, this, uh, dance is mine.

Peter:  Vallerie, you decide.

("You Just May Be the One")

Nesmith:  Would you believe that the Peter we all know and love have now turned
          into a wolf in sheep's clothing?

Micky:  Which just goes to prove ... you CAN make a silk purse out of a sow's
        ear.  If you have enough good silk.

Davy:  Which proves more than ever, it's not how you play the game, it's
       whether you win or lose.

(Peter and four girls playing spin the bottle.  Peter wins.)

(End Credits)