The Final Sacrifice
Topic: Math Club
Well, here it is. The final sacrifice I made for the Math Club.
Oh how I love my pi!

Dinner at Jess'
Now Playing: "Meant To Live" by Switchfoot on "The Beautiful Letdown"
Topic: Friends
Tonight I went over to Jess' for dinner. It was so exciting seeing her twice in one week. Bridget and Leigh were also there. She made chicken enchilladas, rice and beans. She also made lime margaritas from scratch. As in she actually squeezed the juice out of the limes. Everything was quite tasty. I didn't have a lot to eat since I had a slice of pizza at the ICC meeting ( yeah, I ended up going "for the club next year"), but it was all good and very enjoyable. Bridget and I did the dishes as part of a thank you. Then Gianna arrived and she had some food while Bridget started to teach Jess had to salsa. Then Gianna was teaching. Then there was just dancing all around. Then Ilsa came home so we got to see her for a shortwhile. Then it was time for the Benson Escort Van to leave. It was a very nice evening. I need to have more like that.

Passover
Now Playing: "Die Another Day (Dirty Vegas Main Mix)" by Madonna on "Die Another Day"
Topic: Personal
Bridget, Leigh and I drove down Saturday morning and arrived home around 1:30 or so. Then we went for a hike around the lake. I had originally forgotten where the lake was but then my dad reminded that it was at the Tennis Club and that was where the infamous duck episode happened. It had definitely been a while since I had been to the Tennis Club. The outside hadn't changed much expect for privitizing the lake so there was now a wall/gate around it. We spent a little over an hour walking around. It was beautiful. We also saw lots of wildlife. Quite a few ducks, swans, geese, coots, and turtles. We also saw some goslings (baby geese), and ducklings. At one point we saw the mommy duck and her 7 ducklings in the water and they were swimming in a line. It was SO cute.

Anyway, we then went back to the house and helped set the table and some stuff. Then we got ready. Since it was still early, we decided to play a game. We played ThinkBlot which none of had played before. It was definitely an interesting game. Probably more fun with more people. By the time we finished, it was time for people to arrive so we went downstairs. We were in the living room having some matzah with either bree or mock chop liver. Then Jessica (for reference sake, my friend Jessica will be known as Jessica whereas my sister Jessica will be known as Jess) arrived and we really got to socalize. It was the first time I've seen Jessica all quarter. More people arrived, we did introductions yadda yadda, time for the Sedar as usual.

The main changed thing about this year's Sedar was the fact that my brother was at the head of the dining room table, my sister and all of her friends were at the rest of the table, me and my friends on the big black table and then my parents at the card table (aka "the kids' table"). Dad led a very good Sedar as usual although I think we did skip a page because we forgot to dip the parsley in the salt water and we missed a glass of wine somewhere. *shrug* My dad was making fun of my sister for when she was allowed to drink the wine so she in turn pointed out that at our first sip of wine, it said the second cup.

As usual, the meal itself was absolutely fabulous. Mom made her usuals of matzo ball soup, Costco chicken (much more tender than past Costco chickens I've had at home), salmon, potatoe koogle, cucumber salad and Rema brought some green beans. I had some chicken, salmon and potatoe koogle. Oh, I also had the kafelta fish (you know, I don't think I'll ever be able to spell that correctly). All extremely delicious! Then we did the white elephant with mostly Target Days items which I helped buy so I had some idea of what was there yet somehow I picked the magnetic notepad. Ah well. During the white elephant, we also had dessert. Again my mom her absolutely fabulous usuals of the fudge, the brownie and the egg white cookies. I had a lot of desserts ?;-9

Then we had our search for the afi-comin (that too I will probably never be able to spell). The 3 year tradition of a SLO person finding it was broken by newcome Kathy finding it. Jason, one of Jess' friends, was pretend bummed because he is Jewish and apparently has never been the one to find it. My dad tried to help him out by trying to give him a 5 minute head start but the rest of us objected and afterwards he said "Jason: 0 for 35. Kathy: 1 for 1." Then people started to slowly leave and we started to clean up. Jessica hung around for a bit but left 10ish because she did have a good half hour drive back. My mom suggested that Bridget, Leigh and I watch a movie so after sorting through all the DVDs, we decided on The Emperor's Club since neither of them had seen it.

Not more than 5 minutes into the movie, I started to get an acid reflux attack. Since I was very stupid and left the Maalox in my backpack in SLO and we didn't have any antacids in the house, my dad went out to the market for some. While he was gone, I threw up half of dinner. Mom and I concluded that the extremely big meal in combination of the fatty foods served is what caused it. Dad came home with the antacid which I had a couple swigs of and then eventually rejoined Bridget and Leigh in watching the movie. Since they've discussed it already, no harm in me talking about it. While waiting for my dad, my mom had glanced in on them or something and came out asking me if Bridget and Leigh were a couple. I hadn't been in yet and told her no, or at least they hadn't told me and I would think that one of them would have told me and asked her why she thought that. She said they looked "very couple-y." I took a peek for myself and yes, they were snuggly but I told my mom that they were just friends but she didn't believe me. Anyway, by the time I got to sit down and watch the movie, it was at least half way through. By the end, I felt better but still had some pain.

So then we went upstairs to go to bed. I hadn't been lying down more than 15 minutes when I ran to the bathroom and threw up the other half of dinner. And even after that I still had chest pains. Actually, I had chest pains all night. I was so tired, I really wanted to lie down and sleep but everytime I did, it hurt. I was in and out of sleep, tossing and turning and occasionally sitting up from about 1 to 4:30. At 4:30, Bridget woke up too because she was hot. We chatted for a bit but then I went to the bathroom and then went downstairs to get some water. While down there, I decided I needed to sleep sitting up in order to sleep with the least amount of pain. So I got my blankets, went into the bonus room, kicked the foot rest up on the smaller couch and went to sleep around 5. I woke again around 7 due to the sun light, but I awoke with no pain. It was nice so I went back to my room. Bridget woke up shortly after I got back and started getting ready and stuff while I slept more.

My mom came in at 10:15 saying she forgot to wake me. Normally it wouldn't have been too much of an issue, but she needed us out of the house by noon since she and Dad were driving to Vegas to do house things. Bridget and Leigh were already wide awake, dressed and doing homework and reading respectively. So I quickly got ready and then we had breakfast. Since I was feeling fine, I thought a normal breakfast would be fine. So I started driving and fortunately, we had to stop at Bridget's house because her parents had some stuff for Gianna that needed to come back with us. I wasn't feeling that great and thought I might throw up again so I asked Bridget to drive just in case. I did feel better by the time we stopped for gas in Santa Barbara but I let her continue to drive all the way back to my place actually. We did have a quick visit at South House when we dropped off Leigh and then Bridget visited at my place since she had a meeting in SLO at 4 (it was 3 at the time).

So up until about 10:30 or so, Passover was great and a lot of fun. Although getting sick I can definitely sick. I'm going to miss our big Passover celebrations. But who knows, maybe Jess, Justin and I can drag some people to Henderson with us next year ;-).

Amazing what the start of coming out of depression can do!
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: "Girl Power" by Shampoo on "NoAlbum"
Topic: Personal
Aside from a general feeling of happiness today after Number Theory, I made some major improvements at the gym today. When doing the dip/pull machine, I decided to push my self and move up to plate 16 (88 pounds assistance) and was able to do 10 each inner and outer pull ups and 10 each inner and outer dips. Then when Bridget and I went back for her round (I had gotten out of class early and thus had started early), I decided to try some on plate 14 (72 pounds assistance). Imagine my surprise when I was actually able to do 5 inner pull ups (the dips I've always been pretty strong on). Now if I can just get that rep up to 10, I will have accomplished one of my gym goals: pulling at least half my weight on the pull up. Once I get that, my new goal will be to pull 2/3 my weight aka be on plate 11. I'm sure I'll be exteremely sore tomorrow considering how hard I worked my arms today but it was so worth it. Bridget was very impressed and noted my change in mood. All I have left to do with Math Club is get reimbursed for Yosemite cancellations. Although Tyler said to wait on them and talk to Tami because apparently Tami does have the time to go that weekend and may still be going. Go figure. Well, if she doesn't talk to me by the end of Number Theory on Thursday, I'm cancelling them and putting in my request to get reimbursed. And now that I don't have to go to the ICC meeting tomorrow night, I can go over to Jess' and have chicken enchilatas and margaritas. (yes, margaritas because, yes, I do drink when invited into a social setting that has alcohol.)

Speaking of great things...
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Library lab noises still
Topic: School
Speaking of great things, I got both of my midterms back today.

Number Theory was 19/20. My point off was for the proof I figured out towards the end and rushed through and left some details out. I looked up the average on Blackboard and it was 14 point something. So I feel really good about Number Theory.

Analysis was a surprising 70/100. Not really sure how that happened but I'll take it. That's higher than both of the first midterms for the past two quarters. Really I was just hoping for a 56 or higher to get above the first midterm last quarter but I will most certainly take a 70. Now I just need to make sure that I get higher than that on the next midterm and the final. It'd be awesome if that was my lowest and it got dropped. I can dream, can't I? But yes, was very happy to see that. Things just keep looking up today =).

Now to the sitting room part to work on my part of my presentation for Plastics. Group meeting in 50 minutes. Perhaps I was a bit rushed in that whole looking up comment...

Well, I did it
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Library lab noises
Topic: Math Club
I resigned from Math Club. I sent an e-mail to Dr. Sze, Dr. Shapiro, Rebecca and Tyler about it. So far I've talked to Dr. Sze and Dr. Shapiro in person. Rebecca sent me a reply e-mail.

It was amazing how much better I felt after sending out a one line e-mail. My mood has already gone up and while doing some Number Theory outside I felt pretty relaxed as if some of the stress was just melting away. It was great. It'll be so nice to have no more commitments on the weekend except for my butt with a library chair. Ah, being free is great.

The Seemingly Never Ending Math Club Saga
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Math Club
Randy sent me an e-mail in response to the previous entry. And then I guess he talked with Rebecca and then she sent me one too. I won't post them here since I doubt they want that public (then again, I haven't been very good about reading people recently, have I?).

Anyway, after reading those and talking things over with Bridget, my decision to resign hasn't changed. If anything, it has become firmer. I feel the club is going to die next year anyway since apparently I managed to drive out any remaining members. As I said before: "Now that I've managed to make enemies out of friends, I'm not regressing even farther into depression for them anymore" (Wow, it's weird to quote myself...).

Tomorrow morning, I hope to get off work a little early and go over to the Epicenter and ask about it. As a rule follower (apparently one of my many faults of being President), I'll be resigning officially and then dropping off the radar. No more events, no more hanging out in the lounge. I'll clear my locker out and pay my debt to the snack bar tomorrow. Instead of me "alienating people" from the Math Club, I'll make easier and alienate myself from the Math Club. Am I taking the cowards route by avoiding the issues? Yes, but after having spent many nights this month crying myself to sleep, I really just can't deal with it anymore and would rather concentrate on other things. Like my school work, senior project and hanging out with my real friends.

"Poly students say no to fee hikes"-The Tribune
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: "First Time" by Finger Eleven on "The Greyest Of Blue Skies"
Topic: School
It's official now: Both the facilities fee increase and the ASI fee increase failed in the fee referendum Wednesday and Thrusday. The Tribune reported that the ASI one failed by just 76 votes. Which apparently "suprised ASI leaders" because "two thirds of students surveyed last fall supported the fee hike for the renovation projects." What ASI leaders are forgetting about that survey is that in the end, students were basically asked "would you rather have a really nice renovation that will cost a lot of money or a normal renovation that will be less expensive than the other one?" There was no option to not have the renovation, i.e. to not have a fee increase. Someone's letter to the editor of the Mustang Daily reminded me of this fact. The Tribune also said that this was the first time that the students have voted against a fee increase for ASI since 1984. And I would just like to point out that without voter intimidation (read: last year's athletic sholarship fee referendum), the students actually really don't approve of unnecessary fee hikes. I said it last year and I'll say it again: if they want more money for renovations or jocks, start charging the students who actually gave a damn. Yeah, that would include me with the gym and the bus but I'm okay with that. The only fee increase that I will continue to support is any dealing with Health Services because no one chooses to get sick or break a bone.

Excuse me for having values
Mood:  blue
Rebecca really hurt me tonight. As we were leaving the porn shop (yes, you read correctly), the plan was that Hagan, Kevin, Rachel and I were going to head to KFC to get some food and Rebecca and Randy were going to head to SLO. Then as Rachel and I were getting in my car, Rachel and Randy come up and Rebecca asks Rachel is she wanted to go in Rebecca's car. I asked why. Rebecca said "Because we're going drinking and I know you don't want to go." I was absolutely astounded that she would just automatically assume I wouldn't want to go. I asked her how she knew I didn't want to go. She said, "Because you say people are stupid for going drinking." I told her that I have never said that. She said, "Well, that's how you make people feel ." I might not drink often (mainly because anytime I've gone to where alcohol was being served, I've driven) and I might disapprove of people who drink and drive and might have been confused as to why people went to Vegas only to spend the majority of time drinking but I don't think I've ever said that someone was stupid for doing so. I said "Well, it's clear that I'm not wanted" and got into the car. Then I heard Rebecca basically telling Rachel to get in the car. Rachel said bye to me and got into Rebecca's car.

That really hurt me. So apparently that's two of the values I was brought up with that I tried to impose on people. To me, they have always been common sense: you don't arrange for guys and girls to be sleeping in the same room, and you don't drink and drive. Julie agreed with me when I told her and she too couldn't understand why people got so upset about that.

You know what, I'm not sorry that I was brought up with strong beliefs. I'm not sorry that I believe one should drink responsibly. I'm not sorry that I don't like browsing porn shops. I'm not sorry that I'm uncomfortable sharing a room with a guy I barely know. The only thing I'm sorry for is that they elected me president of the Math Club knowing I had these values.

It took me a while to realize how fully no one liked me as President (and apparently as a person if they don't like the things I believe in). But I do now. I now remember all these feelings I've been having: they're the ones I had in middle and high school; when I was depressed. This whole situation has thrown me so far back into depression, I just can't take it anymore. Monday morning I'm going to the Epicenter and asking how I officially resign. Now that I've managed to make enemies out of friends, I'm not regressing even farther into depression for them anymore.

My real friends helped pull me out of it before and I'm sure that they will be able to do so again. Once I dump Math Club, I'll be able to spend more time with them and I know that that will help me beat this. I just need to be with people I can trust and depend on.

Why Dream When I Can Live the Nightmare?
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: "Opening" by Linkin Park on "Reanimation"
Topic: Math Club
It's nice to know that I get everyone's opinions and feelings about Math Club through Rebecca. You know, I've been trying my damnest to not take this personally but it's nearly impossible now. If it was at least various sources, I'd feel better. But apparently everyone is venting to Rebecca. *sigh* I can't wait for this nightmare to be over.