A Daily Prayer
I want to thank you, Lord for being so close to me so far this day. With your help I haven't been impatient, lost my temper, been grumpy, judgmental or envious of anyone. But I will be getting out of bed in a minute and I think I will really need your help.
The Birthday Gift
A guy was talking to his buddy and says "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything and besides she can afford to buy anything she wants so I am stumped." His buddy says "I have an idea, Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the guy did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it, she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth and ran out the door yelling---"See you in two hours!"
Would another name for Santa's helpers be: 'Subordinate clauses?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
"15 Things NOT to say when you are pulled over"
14. I'm surprized you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special.
13. If I bend over will I still get a ticket?
12. No, offi, offic, lucifer.....I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
11. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110mph.
10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
9. But officer I've got 2 different drivers licences from 2 different states! pick one.
8. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!!
7. On the way to the station lets get a six pack, oh and don't forget the cigs.
6. You'll never get those cuffs on me you homo!
5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in twenty minutes.
4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
3. How long is this going to take? your wife is expecting me.
2. So thats what those yellow flashing lights mean in a school zone!
1. What do you use those rubber gloves for anyway?
IT JUST DOES!! OK?!!
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut!
More stupid stuff to come.....check again another day!!!
Here are a few new things updated before you got here....
Here are a few things to think about....if ya want the answers email me!!!! "L"
There is one word in the english language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it??
A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?
Here are some bumper stickers found from travels.....
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
Humans
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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
Animals
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A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
A gorilla's penis is 1/3 that of a human.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
The giraffe has a black tongue that is 14 inches long and no vocal cords.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfishes haven't got brains.
Quickies
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These two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.
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Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until they talk.
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A guy walks into a Greeting Card Shop, and asks, "Can you tell me where you keep those blank cards? I need one for somebody I'm not talking to.
A man is sitting down to read the paper when he hears a knock on his door. Upon opening the door the man is confronted by a snail on his doorstep. "Good evening," says the snail, "I'm collecting for the snail benevelent fund. Would you care to make a donation?". The snail gets his reply as the man kicks him into the bushes. Ten years later there's another knock at the door. Again, the man finds a snail on his doorstep. "That wasn't very nice!" exclaims the snail.
click here for a list of the top 50 oxymorons!!