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(SOME OF) THE WORST THINGS IN THE WORLD



Stupid people; mean people; boring people; sadistic people; overly good looking people; overly smelly people; MTV; liver; liver and onions; my mother's hamburgers; being married to somebody you're not in love with those yellow signs in car windows that say Baby On Board; those Garfield things stuck on car windows: people that wear sunglasses with those little strings around their necks; Nazis; yuppies; vegetarians; liberals; feminists; Scientologists; New Agers; brat packers: illegal aliens; restaurant critics; rock critics; just about every other kind of critic: weiner dogs; schnauzers; poodles; pugs; all of the other ugly little dogs in the world: guys with hairy backs: girls with hairy nipples: girls with small nipples; people who say nipples a bunch of times; talking to someone who has extremely bad breath and they don’t know it; waking up in the morning next to someone you have a crush on who has bad breath; starting to laugh at a funeral; having to sit next to some guy on a bus who decides to tell you about his recent anal surgery in great detail; Bob Dylan's beard; Tina Turner's armpits; Whoopi Goldberg's hair; Dick Butkis' butt; Donald Sutherland’s voice; guys with real limp handshakes; getting juju bees stuck in your teeth; bad harmonica players; bad guitar players; seeing a million guys walking down Hollywood Boulevard with guitars and knowing that they probably are bad guitar players; people who play you their terrible original songs and who keep into your eyes while they're singing the goddamn things and all the while you're listening you're trying to think of something nice to say when they finally finish; the fact that people are too stupid to realize that rock 'n' roll died with Elvis; the facat that the rld is too loud; computerse Interenet (who cares?) watching white people who can't dance try to dance; the incense at the local New Age bookstore; the people at the local New Age bookstore; waiters in restaurants who come up to you and say "Hi, my name is Ron!" (I don't give a fuck what your name is pal. I'm here to eat, not to make friends); those disgustingly sincere and interminably longwinded pleas for money on KPFK (listener-supported) radio; women who bring babies to movies, bookstores and libraries; women who bring babies anywhere since the baby clearly doesn't care where it is so it's just that they're too goddamn cheap to hire a babysitter; taxi drivers who want to tell you their whole goddamn life story; anybody who wants to tell you their whole goddamn life story when you don't want to listen to it which is just about all the time; horrible idiotic movies about moronic teenagers starring disgustingly overpaid and untalented teenagers which draw hordes of stupid, idiotic, whacked-out teenagers to see them that make producers who are not teenagers and couldn't give a fuck about the actual plights of teenagers richer and more decadent than they already are; the fuck internet; people who take out their wallets and insist on showing you pictures of their children when everybody knows that all children look the same; bald guys who think they're fooling you by combing their few remaining strands of hair backwards over the bald spot; hostile, moronic telephone operators; hostile, moronic nurses; people who blabber on and on about the "beautiful sunset" they just saw or worse, who invite you to go watch the sunset with them (as far as I'm concerned, sunsets are just like Scientologists...you seen one, you seen em all); those real terrible paintings of sunsets, seascapes, small Parisian cafes, Elvis, Barbara Streisand and Telly Savalas that people who live in depressing tract homes or mobile homes always have hanging in their dens (bad wood paneling) ; going over to a girl's house that you like and while she's in the bathroom you look at her album collection and all the has is Neil Diamond, Mantovani, 101 Strings, and a couple of old Joni Mitchell albums and you know right then the romance is over; guys with no necks; guys with their ears growing directly out of their necks (these are primarily ex-marines); Mexican gardeners with those blowe things; guys with a lot of hair growing out of thei nostrils; sweaty, overweight women in jogging suits who run in place at stop lights; guys that are always scratching their balls in public (these are mostly Mexicans and Iranians); guys at the gym that grunt real loud when they're doing their exercises and you know that these are the same guys hwo make a bunch of noise when they fuck; anybody who makes a bunch of noise when they fuck; bending over to tie your shoe at the gym and having to stare at some old man's wrinkled old balls who's getting dressed at the locker right next to you; French people whose armpitssmell like Gouda cheese; guys at the beach who wear those bikini trunks that their balls hang out of; real white, fat ladies at the beach who insist on wearing bikinis that everything is hanging out of (bleecchhh!); French people with bad teeth; Italians with bad teeth; Mexicans with bad teeth; supermarket checkers with bad cases of acne; Macdonald's employee with big, huge, pussy red boils on the back of their necks; those stupid haircuts that people have today; stepping in dog shit and being in a room and somebody says, "Hey! Somebody stepped in dog shit!" and everybody looks at the bottom of their shoe and so do you and there it is on your shoe, so you try to pretend like it's not there but now you've got to get out of there before the smell gives you away; seeing a blackhead on some guy's neck who's standing in front of you when you're in line to see a movie and you want really bad to squeeze that sucker but of course you can't, so you just stand there suffering for the 45 minutes it takes you to get to the goddamn ticket booth; getting bullied by crummy, insignificant people like nurses, bank tellers, secretaries, gas station attendants and other assorted morons who get off on bullying you because their lives are stupid, dull and meaningless and they have nothing better to do than be rude, ignorant assholes because now they get to feel important for about two seconds; being put on hold by horrible, idiotic secretaries and wanting to strangle the shit out of them but you can't do anything except call them back and put them on hold but it would'nt matter anyhow because they're so goddamn stupid that they probably like being put on hold; people who talk real loud when they're standing about six inches in front of your face; people who keep on smiling at you when they're standing about six inches in front of your face; when you meet somebody in the hall and you try to walk around them and they move in the same direction that you're moving in and then you move in the other direction and then they move in the same other direction and you go "Oh, excuse me," and they go "Oh, excuse me," and this goes on for about two minutes and finally you just stand there so the asshole can walk around you, except he's just standing there too and now you're bothpissed off and basically it's one of those completely meaningless interactions that exists for no other purpose than to waste away more of your incredibly short, precious life; having a Negro with giant hair (soe of em still do!0 or someone with a real big head sit in front of you at the movies; having people that stink real bad sit behind you at the movies (I'm sorry to sayso, but these are also generally Negroes); that chaccching sound that many Jews make, sort of like they're trying to eject a peach pit from the back of their throats; when you really like a girl but you have to pretend that you don't like her so that she'll like you more than you like her so thatyou can keep the upper hand; getting diarrhea before you have to go out o a date; falling down or tripping in front of a girl who you're trying to impress; cutting a fart in a movie theatre on a date with a girl you're trying to impress; having the girl who you're trying to impress tell youthat there's a piece of food on your teeth when you go out to dinner; realizing you are going to die very very soon; having the girl you're trying to impress tell you that there's a booger hanging out of your nose when you get out of the swimming pool; when a girl you like has this one long hair growing out of her chin and you're afraid to tell her; when a girl you like has this one long hair growing out of her nipple and you're afraid to touch it; when a girl you like has a cunt that smells like a spoiled chicken; having to sit next to a sweaty, fat lady on an airplane; having to sit next to a sweaty, fat lady with a baby on an airplane; sitting in the waiting room at Kaiser Permanente next to three sweaty, fat ladies who are all chain smoking Camel cigarettes and who've all got horrible screaming kids that they apparently don't realize are horrible, and you want to tell them to shut the fuck up but you can't because you don't want the other people in the waiting room to think that you hate kids; having a nurse or a lady doctor stick her finger up your ass with that glove on it and trying to act like you're not embarrassed; putting your dick back in your pants too fast and getting a big urine stain on your pants and having to wait in the bathroom of some goddamn Mobil station until the fucking thing dries; talking to a Negro and trying to have a normal conversation, but the problem is that all you can thin of is that you're talking to a Negro; people who talk about "saving the planet"; anybody who uses words like harmony, growth, karma, networking, left brain/right brain, self-transformation, global conscioueness, totalfulfillment or any of those other incredibly repugnant New Age buzzwords; having somebody say something shitty to you and not having an answer and then thinking of all these great comeback lines three days later; trying to get out of a conversation with one of those people that won't let you out of conversations and you actually have to sit there and try to find a break in their breathing, and finally you do it and then afterwards you feel guilty; cutting a fart in the library and trying to cough or rub your foot on the floor to cover it up and you know that nobody believes you for a second; taking one of those shits where you don't quite finish and you have to keep wiping your ass, but you never can quite get all the shit out of your ass and it takes a million pieces of toilet paper before you do and finally you think everything is cool but then at the end of the day you look at your underpants and--sure enough--there's this big goddamn brown stain staring at you; imagining Orson Welles taking a shit; imagining your parents fucking; imagining fat people fucking; imagining Donald Sutherland fucking; imagining Ed McMahon fucking; imagining Wayne Newton fucking; imagining Dr. Joyce Brothers fucking; imagining Wayne Newton fucking Dr. Joyce Brothers; when somebody you know tells you that they have cancer and they only have six months to live and you don't have anything to say to them; the fact that Elvis, Marilyn, James Dean and most of the other people who counted are all dead; realizing that almost everything that people say is bullshit; realizing that there are only three choices in life--you either get a day job, you die tragically, or you sell out; realizing that nothing ever really happens; realizing that most of your dreams won't ever come true; realizing that everything fades away and that we just turn to dust and that without the grace of God none of this means a fucking thing; realizing that everybody in the world has a butt, and that you've got a butt too, and that somehow the fact that we all have butts makes us really all the same no matter how we try to get away from that fact and somehow that makes the whole thing sort of OK and I could go on forever but I think that's about enough for now.


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VARIOUS TYPES OF DOODY (hey, don't laugh putz....this is serious, ah.....shit!!)

BORING (yet meaningful) LINKS

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Back to Isla Vista..
answers to some really important questions
under confucktion
make your very own custom doody
Annette's tits (under construction)

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