he he he HA HA HA ho ho

A top movie producer was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers with several top stars. Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Van Damme were present. The producers really desired the box-office omph of these three, so they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, "I'll play him."

The producers were pleased. "Sounds splendid. Who do you want to be, Arnold?". Arnold says, "I'LL BE BACH."

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An Irishman, a Frenchman and a Pollack were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."

The Irishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.

The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.

The Pollack says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.

Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Irishman, who staggers out totally drunk.

Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather inebriated.

Then, they release the Pollack, who comes out and says, "Has anyone got a match?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Thought that you might enjoy this stock market report:
Helium was up, feathers were down, and paper was stationary.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpiller stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
also, 3 new bonds are being issued:
Lewinsky bond:  has no maturity
Gore bond:  has no interest
Clinton bond:  has no principle

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25 things I have learned in 50 years (by Dave Barry)

1). The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2). You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3). People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4). The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5). You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6). A penny saved is worthless.
7). They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8). The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9). The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10). There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11). There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12). People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13). There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14). Nobody is normal.
15). At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: The universe is even bigger than they thought! There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16). If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
17). The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18). The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
19). If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20). You should not confuse your career with your life.
21). A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22). No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23). When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24). Your friends love you anyway.
25). Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

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Great Excercises to prepare for Ski Season:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill -- now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.   Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, zip it all the way up and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

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Take this test and see how well it fits you. Some answers may not fit you exactly, but just pic the one that is closest to you.
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HOW OTHER PEOPLE SEE YOU

Keep track of your letter answers.

1. When do you feel your best? (a) In the morning (b) During the afternoon and early evening (c) Late at night

2. You usually walk (a) fairly fast, with long steps (b) fairly fast, but with short, quick steps (c) less fast, head up, looking the world in the face (d) less fast, head down (e) very slowly

3. When talking to people, you (a) stand with your arms folded (b) have your hands clasped (c) have one or both your hands on your hips (d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking (e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with (a) your knees bent and your legs neatly side by side (b) your legs crossed (c) your legs stretched out or straight (d) with one lag curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with (a) a big, appreciative laugh (b) a laugh, but not a loud one (c) a quiet chuckle (d) a big smile (e) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering, you (a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you (b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know (c) make quietest possible entrance and try to stay unnoticed

7. You are working hard, concentrating hard. You are interrupted. You (a) welcome the break (b) feel extremely irritated (c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most? (a) red or orange (b) black (c) yellow or light blue (d) green (e) dark blue or purple (f) white (g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie (a) stretched out on your back (b) stretched out face down on your stomach (c) on your side, slightly curled (d) with your head on one arm (e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are (a) falling (b) fighting or struggling (c) searching for something or somebody (d) flying or floating (e) You usually have a dreamless sleep (f) You're dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:

1: (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6

2: (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1

3: (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

4: (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1

5: (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

6: (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2

7: (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4

8: (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

9: (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1

10: (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Add the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as some one they should "handle with care." You are seen as vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant. Others may admire you and wish they could be more like you, but they don't always trust you and hesitate to become too deeply involved with you.

FROM 51 TO 60 POINTS: Your friends see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, quick to make decisions (though not always the right ones). They see you as bold and venturesome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes a chance and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

FROM 41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, and always interesting; someone who is constantly the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to your head. They see you also as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who will cheer them up and help them out.

FROM 31 TO 40 POINTS: Other people see you as sensible, cautious, careful, and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or too easily, but someone who is extremely loyal to the friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize that it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but, equally, that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is broken.

FROM 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very, very cautious and extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every side and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction on your part is caused partly by your careful nature and partly by laziness.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs to be looked after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier, who sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only the people who know you well know that you aren't. The trouble is that you don't let very many people get close to you.

* * * * * * *
Let me know what your score was.  I got a 42.....which ended up being pretty accurate!!

Haaavvee Fuunn!  From pAbLo!!

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CRIMINAL 'DARWIN AWARDS:
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A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo   teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
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  A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs.  The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
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A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
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  Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
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 Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
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 Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were   showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
   _________________________________
  Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
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 Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
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  Cigars and Insurance: A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won. In delivering the ruling, the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

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GROWING OLD

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to be put away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes sometimes I find my self on the stairs and can't remember whether i was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem knock on wood." as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

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This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare .He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called ilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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