Hey kids! It’s been a while huh? well since last time we have spoken I did finish that sociology class (88%) and am now currently on the last day of my 3 week break before starting 2 new classes. It feels pretty good to just put the ol brain in neutral for a while. I'm sure with my new classes starting up tomorrow I will have plenty of material to discuss (rant) about soon tho.   : )

    I spent the vast majority of my time off here in Edmonton, and not in cyberspace, which was much needed I think (no offense to you cyber friends). April came for the last 2 weeks so it was nice, however the last few days, when we met up with my friends, turned into an altered blur of martini lounges, gay bars and Denny’s trips. I always like it when April comes over to visit because I end up taking her to places/events that are readily available to me but which I never get around to doing on my own (social aspects of life I mean).

    Why is this? Why do we feel pressure to go out and “do” things in numbers? I agree that there are some instances where it just calls for company. That great conversation over dinner, or a laugh and a good friend with drinks is a great pastime for which I adore. But I'm talking about the variety of concerts, plays, operas, Football games, THINGS to do here in downtown Edmonton that I just wouldn't do alone. Why, why, WHY is this? It's even more frustrating when you realize that most of said events involve just siting or standing in a dark room not even talking to the person you have brought to boost your divine social class.

    I mean there are some things that I'm cool with going commando on. ......Movies are cool by myself. Fast food while flying solo? No problem. But to go to an actual social event sans escort (male, female, don't matter) where there are other people to judge you and your worth, looking down at you with THOSE eyes. You know what kind of eyes I'm talking about here, the KNOWING ones. the eyes that yell out to everyone that THEY are here with a kickass date and YOU are here at this soiree all by yourself!! It seems like it's the 3rd grade all over again and I'm the odd man out in selecting dodge ball teams. Are we so insecure in front of total strangers who we will never see again to need to find someone to go do things with (even someone who's company we don't even particularly enjoy, just to be there with someone)? I'm as guilty as anyone, but I'm not proud of that fact. The whole charade of going it alone just screams "I'm a loser, I'm here by myself because absolutely no one will attend this function with me. Ya, I TRIED to wrangle some poor soul up to accompany me at this event with my sorry ass, but there was absolutely NO price I could pay that would convince ANYONE of any worth to go with me............." At least that's what it feels like sometimes.......

    Now, don't think I'm some sort of jaded wank currently typing this poison prose while siting in his parents basement, on their computer, resting in nothing but day-old underwear. You know the type. The guy who has never tried to open himself, or lend himself to anybody, or give anybody the chance to prove that they cared about him. And now he feels he has to push out his middle finger outward to all the beautiful people as he fades into his dreary muddle of his Dungeons and Dragons existence, all the while thinking about how he has never gone out with a girl in his life and it's the fault of everybody who has ever been the object of affection from any member of the opposite sex. I'm not him, contrary to what this last paragraph might lead your able eyes into believing. I do have good pals here, but none in downtown where I reside, and I'm quite a spontaneous person. This would limit the availability of hauling in a suitable cohort when I see a flyer on a lightpost advertising a concert that is to be starting 2 hours from the time I am reading it. SO what do I do in a situation like that? go home, cursing myself that I didn't find the ad with enough time to hunt down someone to go with. Pathetic, and I know it. But most of us are like that, aren't we?

     I feel especially terrible about not doing things by my own capable self considering my philosophy that you are the maker of your own destiny. One where you cannot wait for things to happen to you, rather you have to make them happen. I do read my horoscope, and am not closed minded about spirituality or religion. However, YOU are on this earth here and now, and you cannot just blame things on forces beyond your control. Bad sign, Karma, Omen, whatever. I don't know if those are reliable excuses for one's tuns in life. That must sound funny coming from me, for I have never considered myself a neo-rationalist.

    This whole "don't go it alone" thing is a crazy irony to life when you consider that everyone is trying to be "themselves" now. Everyone here is an "individual." This is the epidemic of enlightened young adults who think that the test of their true uniqueness is wearing a Marilyn Manson T-shirt, or dying their hair blue. They aren't even CONSIDERING that true individuality comes from within. You see them all thinking they are shocking, being "themselves," when all they are doing is reinforcing the fact that they are the biggest followers of all. This is because they are trying to be individualistic on the very shallowest of all levels, the wholly unimportant physical appearances stage. Why is it that when the "kids" talk about truly being themselves they will always mention very trivial examples like bands or clothes in proving how unmoving they are in their true beliefs? It doesn't even enter their brains that thinking for yourself and truly living your life in a fashion which perfectly suits you is the true test of being yourself. But then there are no rewards like being the envy of your peers that way!! In the immortal words of Hunter S. Thompson, "True outlaws don't need to spell it with a capital "O"".

    You can have the most original wardrobe, worship the most unheard of bands, pray to your own personal cult deity that will come on a spaceship and take only you away from the rest of us unknowing, unevolved morons but It means nothing, NOTHING if you are still thinking and acting like it matters what you wear, or listen to, or read for inspiration. Look at these great individuals who have changed or challenged the status quo when it needed to be: Einstein, Hawking, Schindler, Ghandi. These people have changed the way people perceive themselves, or others, or the world. They have stepped up against what others have believed to be tried and true and really CHALLENGED the way we think, feel, function. Did they feel the need to dress all kooky so they could be heard and taken seriously? Did they force their superficial mores on the public, or claim to be cool by dying their bodily parts an unnatural colour? nope. (although the jury's still out on what was going on with Einstein's hair). They believed in what they were doing and im sure they didn't think twice about what they were wearing while doing it. I don't think Armani or Klein are going to get a nobel peace prize or end world hunger anytime soon (or perhaps they will end world hunger, if they donate all the would be food their models would be eating if they were in another line of work to starving countries). I just hope we keep perspective on how much a factor these shallow standards of dress, acts, and other standards of nonsensical distaste seem to be regarded as, and how much they SHOULD be. I think the difference is obvious.