May 17, 1998

    Going back to school like I have been the past while, I have been able to gain valuable insight. In the past. I would think on why something would happen, and dismiss it as a "gut" feeling, or that "that's just the way it is". Now that I am in a Sociology class I am fascinated by how much I took for granted, as just that, something that just happened. What the profound revelation is now is that there are systems, patterns to what's happening, whether it be through society's beliefs, gender unequalization, race relations or whatever.

    Case in point: People who have met me in the past think (assume) I'm gay. That is usually their first assumption of me.  This is not a good or bad thing obviously other then the fact that it tells me that they have antique views as well as elementary homosexual stereotypes.  The only thing I always found slightly one-sided about this unofficial consensus is that it does happen SO often that I am judged this way. it seems to be that I assert some mannerisms that are universal in the perception  - or should I say misconception -   that i am "on the phone" (as my Friend Jen calls it, meaning "out of the closet").  I used to dismiss this as "redneck bigotry" because I talked a little differently and acted more emotionally then all the Gun toting, Pickup driving, Colt 45 swilling, undereducated, "real men don't cry" types  that seemed to congregate on the vast unforgiving plains of  my former residences (Red Deer and Grande Prairie, Alberta, which in case you don't know, aren't exactly "friendly" to non-Macho behavior). So I just blew it off as that.

    Now I live in a larger city (Edmonton) which has a great variety of different people, all types. The character and attitudes of the people are more open for sure,  but the assumption is the same. The difference is the delivery. People are more open to my "impending gayness". Instead of people telling me to "stop acting like a fag" When I call a male classmate a "darling", I get things like "Oh, why don't you call your boyfriend here?" when I tell a Future shop salesperson that I have to talk my computer purchase over  with my "significant other" before giving in to his high pressure sales  - an ambiguous comment I know, but why judge it?

    So, why do people think this? in the past I thought it was just, you know, as I said numerous times before, stereotypes. My friends have tried to help, fore they have noticed it too, giving reasons like I show a preference in "gossiping with the girls" in the kitchen when the "men" were in the Living room watching the baseball game (notice I didn't say hockey, which is a true art), or that I am really "bubbly" or "talk with my hands" or "love to tell long anecdotes". Obviously these weren't, in my opinion, great explanations to this impending phenomena.

    So I'm reading my Sociology text when I notice that there was significant research done in gender nonverbal communication to suggest that our 2 genders act very much differently when speaking to another person (this might not be anything new to most, but it was to me). For example,  women try to maintain eye contact when talking one on one to people, whereas men tend to try to avoid it, unless confronting someone or making a sexual pass. Also there was a distinction that women used their hands to express themselves (I have already pointed out that I do) where as men keep them stationary. Furthermore, women tend to tilt their head when their genuinely interested whereas men try to keep their head, again, stationary. I'm sure we here are all aware that it has been studied that women tend to be more expressive and men tend to be more black and white, which is another thing where I have to side with the female perspective. Overall I ended up placing the textbook down, thinking "and I thought it was just cause I did a mean hustle"

    Do I think that these researched traits have something to do with the fact my sexual preference is misjudged? Could it be that people see these "feminine" traits in me and subconsciously think since I act like a woman I must be gay? I don't know. Do you? Perhaps thinking this research can put a factual reality to my wonderment is a futile task in itself. Maybe I'm grasping at straws because I want, need, have a genuine longing for, this to be "real", to have some structural scientific meaning so that I could point and explain why most people, regardless of background or belief, think this, and therefore not have to be going on blind with emotion in that respect.  A few times in writing this entry I have wanted to just delete it, because I thought if I truly believed straight people and gay people were completely equal in merit (which i'd like to think that I do) I wouldn't even bother to wonder why some people "just don't get it" in respect to my androgynous behavior. However in the end I took the standpoint that ignorance is NOT bliss.

    I just hope that some day we can look at the content of one's character and the first impression that overtakes us to form a lasting first impression will be what they say, not how "flaming" the delivery is. That's me, the eternal optimist.........obviously