May 22 1998  

    A few people have asked me if my poems are about anyone in particular. They aren't. Not about anyone specifically, as in a named person that is. I do understand the basis of this question, fore I have many writings that have the name "you" in present. I think that the term "you" can be used as many things, not just for a certain person. Most of the time that term is used by me to adequately describe a variety of outlets Im trying to express in my writings...Media, culture, or even my own overfed ego sometimes. I just want to let everyone know that although some of my work is about loss, or sorrow, rarely is it directed maliciously to any one person who did me wrong in the past. Get it, got it, good! 

    Now, today I'm feeling OK. It has been no secret to my friends that for a little while I have been somewhat down, but I'm getting better with school going so well. Febuary-March was a terrible time for me, absolutely terrible.  the worst period in my life that I have had to go through in quite a while. I feel a little bit better in hindsight about that period because I handled the crisis myself for the most part, and made a conscious effort not to cry on anyone's shoulder (except for my dearest April, who I can't seem to do anything without some days,) who was really great when I wasn't feeling super swell about myself and my self worth (Ok I'll end that part there before you good people in Cyberland think this is a "oh look at me I've got no better use for free webspace other then to bitch about my terrible life" kind of site, which, by the way, I've never had an overwhelming affection for myself.) The important thing is, I seem to have seen some distant light at the end of the tunnel.

    Even though that period is pretty much over, I have adopted a "new and improved" all encompassing  and interesting crisis (we will call it "interesting" so we can subjectively look at  it for strict research and evaluation purposes, with no emotions whatsoever,) which is the Feeling that I am too "old" at 24 to go back to college. Hmmmm, I could just do what most mid to late 40 year old balding males do when they are going through such panic because the ole prostate just ain't what it used to be.....Comfort myself in material status symbols!!! I'm sure a nice 50 thousand dollar ultra sporty car will make up for my emotional strain vis a vis my late blooming educational pursuits! That is another thing I can't understand.......adults today (tsk tsk)

    I completed my first final today. Did pretty well I think I did. I have taken the first small step in achieving my long cherished goal of being a social sciences pseudo intellectual. The fact that I did so well today really amazed me, just as doing this well the whole class has. I have never been credited in my life as being known for my thoughts, and to be quite frank, some of my old friends (notice I say "old") usually used to brush off my opinion as sort of the "idiot's perspective." The funny thing is I never really noticed their unabashed patronizing regarding my questionable intellect until I stopped hanging around with them, and found different, more open minded friends that viewed me and (I think) value me as someone who actually has something of merit to say about a given subject, not just comic relief. I wonder if that is why I hold the quality of relative insight in such high regard now? When I played drums, people would come up to me and say "man, if only I could play an instrument like you do." and I would think, "well, it's no big deal." Perhaps we covet personal gifts and talents in other people moreso if we feel we don't have them ourselves? A "grass is always greener" theory......That would explain my drive to up my I.Q. quotient. Regarding such areas, I'm noticing more than ever now that I have changed a lot in the last 1 1/2 years since I moved to Edmonton, and it's for the better in most ways.....I don't know if it's a growing posses from me or the change of environment from a Redneck Habitat to one of a more open-minded setting, or even if it's just the people I'm hanging with now. I think I play more of a "role" in my friends lives now then I did with my old ones back in Red Deer. I had always had vast feelings of expendability in the past, coupled with a notion that what I said didn't matter. Is this a genuine swing in attitude of worth from doing well in school? I would hate to think that I would value my existence based on the ability to retain information straight from a textbook, because I have always held true the ideology that real intellect comes from thinking your "own" way, having your unique thoughts and theories and values, your own opinions. It could be BASED on educational resources and lecture, of course, but not be the product of them, which is, in my opinion, what answering multiple choice questions on a test is about.

 
   I have been very fortunate in the fact that although my personal educational records (until now) were far from spectacular, I had always made friends with people that were very intelligent, or at least coherent enough in relevant thought that they could at least feed my intellect and make me think. I'm sure had I not had the enviable social skills that I do at my disposal (right) I would've spent my Saturday nights in High School fraternizing with Biff the human colostomy bag, Whose future career prospects and endeavors no doubt would have involved the lofty goal of some sort of custodial work if he was lucky, or had friends in high places (no I did not have a dumbass named Biff at my high school, just an example.)

    A few of my net friends have expressed interest in seeing what I look like via some scanned pictures of myself.  This brings mixed emotions from within. I myself enjoy putting a face to the thoughts and feelings of some of my friends web pages, and it is nice knowing what they look like when I'm talking to them, it brings a sense of intimacy or at least commonality between two people communicating through would otherwise be a cold medium, so I see value to it in one way at least. Having access to scanners at school makes the possibility seem immanent as well.  However, in a society where self worth and personal integrity is directly correlated with physical appearance, and being bred in a culture where it seems that you only have something "worthy" to say if you have a perfect, toned body (yes for men too girls,) I have some reservations. Do not get me wrong, I am hardly an outcasted hunchback by any stretch of the imagination. Rather, on some days (when my hair is just right,) my mirror breaking potential is hardly nil. But I have had some very good comments on my thoughts, and I'm afraid that they will be perceived differently once full decisions about my looks have been made. If people find me to be not pleasant looking, will my thoughts, ideas, opinions mean less to them? I have spent 24 years trying to secure a spot in society where I am judged by everyone based on the first impression of physical appearance, only to end up basking in a medium where my desires and passions can be shared without being corrupted by inane physical assumptions. Will this mechanical sanctuary I have found come crashing down the second the people who now relate to me see my digitized face? Will the fact that, according to the Canadian government, I am 15 pounds over my ideal hight/weight somehow affect my ability to scream out what I believe is my truths that I hold in high regard? God I hope not.......

    I will leave you on a zany note (I like zany.) My hometown (Edmonton, Canada) has the worlds record for most deaths at one time in a trailer park......something I know I'm proud of! Forget the world's largest mall, the 5 stanley cups our Oilers have won, the numerous accolades this fair adopted city of mine has accomplished, I am PROUD that the most fatalities in an institution that is synonymous with white trash and low income has happened in this town!! YAY EDMONTON!!!! If your wondering, No it did not have to do with a disgruntled postal worker : ) (the trailer park comment was supposed to poke fun of the fact that there are people who actually record these kinds of things, NOT the fact that a lot of people who live in trailers died here, which isn't funny at all. Rereading it I noticed it could of been taken either way, so here is the clarification.)

Until next time........