Another reason why I had stopped writing in my journal for a little while is that I have found out that nobody cares about anybody else's opinions are about life. this I have adequately learned from philosophy class. No, I know what your thinking, and NO no one told me to shut up! LOL No, I came to this conclusion myself by listening to these 18 year olds banter on and on and on and on about (what I think are) totally trivial aspects of life, or morals, or values. They talk about what they think people "should" act like, or "should" do, absolutely assuming they are stumbling across the most mindblowing concepts about the state of the world known to humanity, when the fact is, nobody cares. I didn't care. The prof appeased every one of the would be platoist by giving a lackadaisical "good point" nod. And it lead me to think that unless you stumble across something monumental that all of mankind is going to embrace as a revelation in modern science or have such profound concepts of the arts or ethics or philosophy, no one is going to listen. Of course, it will matter to YOU, and mean something great, but people don't seem to care what others say, as long as they get their opinions out themselves. Likewise, I have nothing new to say about the world, and my thoughts/experiences aren't going to change anyone, so I thought i was nothing more then those annoying kids with their pocket doctrines shaking the tree of logic for some well used, recycled verse to shock the world. Of course, that is not why I put up the page....it was mean for me to wrestle with my thoughts of life and such. How could I have lost my motivation on why i started a journal in the first place?  

    In my "what is this world coming to" part of this entry (Don't I usually have one or two in every one??!) I see that NBC has some new "the more you know" community service announcements. Now these in the past have been somewhat noble in an imposed community service kinda way, we get well known NBC would-be 90's icons and get them to give something "back" to society by taking 30 seconds out of their busy schedule to tell American kids to "be a teacher" or "don't drink and drive" or "don't use drugs." Now, although I'm sure these ads aren't making this world of ours never never land, I don't see anything wrong with them. The real interesting (pathetic?) thing about this new one, is that they get a thursday night king of sit-com parody and get him to say that "if you have sex with a woman that's passed out drunk, it's still rape..........HELLO!!?!

    I'm not saying I thought they were totally out of line in making that, because in my opinion The really sad thing of that whole segment is, in some parts of society, we probably DO need it. And that's my point. Living in a world where we have go out of our way to get big name celebrities to tell todays American male youth that sticking your fleshy protuberance into a woman while she's passed out drunk is actually WRONG frightens me. Used to be that I would hear of that situation once in a while in Red Deer when I went to college way back when. But this was a town where every truck sold at the local Chevy emporium comes with a gun rack. But in a REAL, decent society? take me away please........ Sticking with Red Deer, their WHL hockey club (major junior), the Red Deer Rebels, have changed their uniforms. they went form the bland "Rebels" in handwriting style-crests to this completely hokey cow skull (with horns of course!) that is classlessly embossed with hockey sticks around it!! As if bigoted, narrow minded rednecks didn't have their brand on enough Red Deer paraphernalia (the big bars there go by names of "the silver buckle" and "Billy bob's", to name an embarrassing few), now everyone who lives in midsised cities in Western canada and the pacific U.S. will associate the town with those stupid uniforms.....oh, and the website address to the team? www.RIPSNORT.com.......no, no, Im not kidding, (you can't make this shit up!!!)

    You know what? Contrary to what your thinking right now I don't HATE these red deer people. No, I do not, that would make me no better then they are. What I have a genuine loathing for is that this poor town (which still has some pretty cool people stuck there) is shooting out this image of cows, beer, big hats, trucks, chainsaws, ultimate fighting championships, cows, two step, and yet more cows. It is taking pride in presenting itself as a uni-faceted agriculture town that is pigeon holding anyone who lives there and wants to break out of that excruciatingly tight mold. I can't imagine a kid growing up there who doesn't like playing high school sports or hunting for defenseless animals for sport even getting a fair shake as a person, which is sad (ahh, memories of Grande Prairie......)

    I feel my life is a sham sometimes. No, not a "sham," for that would mean im lying to myself or others about my motivations on why im living life. But I feel I'm not truly living life like I should be for someone my age. This goes beyond antiquated thoughts that have permeated my psyche ever since I have moved to Edmonton about waiting too long to go back to college. No, I feel like Im living my life for the wrong reasons, that my thoughts, or more importantly, motives arent pure. I mean that I should be at the age now, so i thought, that I would want to learn more about the world solely for my own pleasure or knowledge (schoolwise), but I'm rapidly coming to the somewhat disheartening conclusion that im just learning at school to get my "piece of paper"....if i indeed do that even. True motive for learning about yourself and surroundings should come from within Ive always thought, but its a grim reality that that's not really happening with me. I enjoy reading my texts, but frequently put them off, and if given the choice truth is that if there was some reason i could just be "handed" a degree without working for it I would gladly accept it. This is very disturbing to me for I think that at 24 i would be entering a stage in my life to really try to Better myself for the pure, unfiltered advantage of simply being better off for the knowledge, and frankly im a little disappointed in myself that I obviously haven't reached that pinnacle yet in my life like I thought I would. I do read alot. Novels, poems, but I have developed this intellectual conscience over the past couple of years that I feel I must read books whether I want to or now (how weird is that?). If I go a few weeks without reading something worthwhile, I feel so guilty about it that I make myself read something whether I like it or not. It's like Im trying ot turn myself into a man that I WANT to be, a respected, intelligent human, but it's not necessarily who I AM. Sometimes I wonder if I would have found this new, more thoughtful side of me if I hadn't stopped playing drums in a band, for that usually took up most of my time when we were playing every week to pay the rent. Sometimes I wonder which is better. I mean, I consider myself a much better drummer (or did) then a thoughtful person, so perhaps I'm overcompensating now.

    This leads me to the eternal question: if I turn out to be a man who is well respected in society by my education and career (assuming I get that degree and make something of myself), but at heart I'm not really "into" what I'm doing (thats the best way i can describe it, for lack of a better word), does that make me a bad or fake person? OK, Im going to go into something here, and I dont know if anyone can follow me on this, but I'll try to explain what i mean: There is an aspect of purity or truth or peace I have been seeking to find in myself that I haven't discovered in a very long time, and its not going to matter how deeply I achieve my carlsberg years, if I don't have this.......peace(?) Im going to lose it. But the question is what is MY peace?....my passion? Of course I would assume a job i like and a mate I love is part of that, but I know there is something in me, some drive that I have but cant seem to find in myself that I need to before im "whole"......I once had this very feeling in myself, playing the drums were it for me growing up, but the business aspect of music I faced later on ruined the feeling, and Ive never gotten it back in any aspect of life. Simply put, everyone has something that drives them, and I had one, but lost it, and I know there is something else that will fuel it, but I just cant grasp it. I know what your thinking, but It cant be love. Although there an exquisite feeling of completion in giving your soul unconditionally to another, this "feeling" has to do with a personal accomplishment or diversion that actually "defines" you as a person. Sometimes I wonder/worry that it was easy to have the master status of "drummer" growing up because things are easier when your 16, and therefore easy to have this aspect, but now things (life) is more complicated for an adult that you wont ever reach it, that somewhere between the deadlines, cell phones and car pools you lose this aspect of a true defining moment. I search......I doubt Im explaining this very well, but ive been worried about it for awhile.....that im "going through the motions" of life until I find this part of live again that will make it worthwhile.  

    Well thats it for now......except that Sporty is carrying the spice girls vocally and that tater tots ARE NOT MEXICAN FOOD! I DON'T CARE what taco time calls them, they are TATER TOTS!!! Am I the only one who realizes this?? I go there and people are all like "I'll get two orders of Mexi fries please"......UGH I think this just goes to show that in this world of ours we can get anyone to suspend their belief of actual fact if some influential corporation decides they are just going to "change" the name of a tried and true zany potato product to something utterly stupid. Tater tots arent even MEXICAN!! I mean, neither are Fries supreme but at least taco bell gives us enough credit to know that they aren't fooling anyone into thinking they are true mexican fare by giving it a mex-ish sounding name! man, really, what IS wrong with us?