By the title of this page, one would assume that this is where you’re gonna hear all the things I’ve done in my life... the sex drugz and rock’n’roll aspect of my life. Well, tough... that kind of dirt is my little secret (what if a relative were to stumble across my page?!)... besides what would someone as sweet and innocent as me have to say about sex drugz and rock’n’roll? Instead, this page contains some of my darker thoughts and writings. They may not be as interesting so you can leave
TO understand my dark moods, you may want to go to my depression page. It may or may not give you the insight you may need to understand. (You can never truly understand the mind of a depressed person until you have been there)
Murder of Thyself
Doing what is against your values, beliefs and morals. All that you are becomes reduced by someone else. Killing yourself and your spirit, yet allowing your body to live the consequences. Suffering and sacrificing. There is no reason to continue as you are ~ you don’t deserve it; just as you didn’t deserve the gift of self. Abusing the gift, you gave it all without even a fight. You went down, not a word of remorse. It would be suicide, yet you have no idea what you are giving up ~ you probably don’t even care. Opened the wounds yet not fully ~ just enough for someone, somewhere to give a damn. And then you realized it too late, you realized just what you surrendered. You surrendered your self.
Perfection
Everywhere we go together you appear alone. With your perfect face and perfect body nobody would notice another person. People see the perfection and crave it for themselves. But you cannot fool me. I know the price you paid, and you paid dearly. Your life isn’t as squeaky clean as it seems, instead it lies around you in shambles. Friends aren’t real, and any love in your life is an illusion. When the lights come on, you are left alone in the middle of nothing. You’ll never have my envy for I have no need for your kind of perfection. Instead, all you have is my pity.
August 18th, 1997: Tonight I'm sitting at home, depressed again wondering why every
couple of months, just when things are going right, things have to seem as though they're going
wrong ~ very wrong. I would call someone to talk to, for comfort, yet there is noone
who understands what i'm going through... and if they do, I don't want to burden them with any
more of my problems and ramblings. After all it's just me - no reason to care.
When i came home from work i just sat in my room for a bit crying. nothing
is wrong enough that i should even BE crying... but all the little things are adding up...
my dad "forgetting" to invite me places that he takes my brother (even if i didn't want to go, an invitation would be nice)
, my friends 'forgetting' to invite me to parties, dinners, and hangouts... finding out that
my best friend of three years just had a sleepover at her house with some friend she's
only known for a month when i have yet to be invited there to sleepover (the pity
invitation doesn't count)... having your own mother laugh at you when you really
want her to stand up for you... it hurts and its adding up, and i don't know when it'll stop
and here i am complaining to something that's fucking inanimate and can't soothe
me no matter how i'm feeling... so much for writing something profound... instead i'd rather
the bitchfest... maybe someone will see what they're doing wrong
