Page o' Hate

We all hate something, even if it's hate itself. And that's the whole point. Hate is good. It makes us strive to improve and to spread more goodness in the world. Yeah, right. Whatever. I hate drivel like that.

MY LIFE WITH THE HATE MAN

Theres A guy down in Berkeley they call the Hate Man. He won't talk to you unless you tell him you hate his guts. He's an older guy, maybe in his fifties, with a full white beard and long white hair. Oh, yeah, he wears a dress, too.

They say the Hate Man used to be a Professor at the UC and although I have no proof to back it up, I wouldn't doubt it one bit, for he's no fool. Every night he goes out on Sprou Plaza on campus with his band of Hateful Pranksters and they all bang on a bunch of plastic buckets yelling, "f*ck you!" and "hate your f*cking guts" to on another. The man is at the pinnacle of evolution.

Everyone is welcome, especially punk rockers, street people and the mentally ill. They all sit around smoking pot and swilling booze and expressing how much they hate each other in new and creative ways.

Now, if you ask the Hate man a question, he won't answer you, he'll just look at you and say, "Tell me to do something". For example, if you were to say, "Hey, Hate Man, where is the bathroom around here?" you wouldn't get an answer. You must tell him to do something. The correct Protocol would be "Hate Man, Tell me where the bathroom is." Then you would get a response. The same goes for favors. If you were to say, "Hate Man, can I have a bagel?" nothing would happen. But if you were to say, Hate Man, give me a bagel, you'd probably get one (if there were any that night). If you weren't sure there were any bagels and you wanted to find out, don't bother asking, you've got to tell him what to do; "Tell me there are some bagels."

Let's say there was only one bagel and the Mr. H kind of wanted it for himself. He wouldn't just tell you "No, you can't have it", he would have you stand up and "push shoulders"; you get up and physically push against one another shoulder to shoulder. Not hard enough to knock each other down, but enough to make it a strain on each other. The harder you push, the more you want the bagel. Whoever decides to stop pushing forefeits. Sometimes the shoulder push can go on for hours.

Theres also a shorter version of the push: the hand push, which the ancient Greeks used for alternative conflict resolution. Personally, I think the Hate Man uses it if he just doesn't want to get up. The even shorter version is the slap. It's similar to giving "five", but when the slap comes down, your not allowed to move your hand either up or down. You slap back and forth until someone gives the OK and the dipute is settled.

Theres a reason for all this. The Hate Man's entire existence is a protest against the System. He has made his life a "theater of living soul" as Abbie Hoffman once said. His philosophy is that the Church has gotten us so used to being bent over in a Masochistic potion that it's even reflected even in our everyday speech. "Excuse me." "Beg your pardon." "Oh, I'm sorry" "Do you mind?" The Hate Man believes that you don't need his excuse and you certainly don't need to beg from him, or anyone else, for that matter. And you needn't thank him for anything. If you do, you will be met with a hearty, "you're not welcome".

Like I said, he's no fool.