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Hey hey, kids! It's time for the very SECOND "Bedtime Stories", by me, the Illustrious James Ingram. Actually, I'm not very illustrious. Right now, I'm kinda sticky. I played volleyball tonight and that was lots of fun. After I got home, I decided to finish a game called "Fallout". Yes, well, anyway, I've been thinking for the last two weeks, and there really hasn't been anything that's annoyed me recently. Sorry, I don't think I can pull off quite the same caliber of rant this week. Ah well, if any of you are return readers, thanks for confiding in me at least a little bit. I'll try to make this as funny as possible, but I have but a feeble mind, and cannot do anything of the sort. So here it goes...
First and foremost, I must continue with a body-related frustration. And what might I be talking about, you ask? Shaving. Stupid, annoying shaving. I don't like shaving. In my line of work I HAVE to shave. (it's worth the paycheck, trust me.) A couple of years ago, waaay back in the years of high school we had a wee debate about this. Some girl (I'm not sure I want to remember who) made a very bold statement. It goes, "Women have to shave and men don't." My opinion on that is, well, that's a load of crap. Women do NOT have to shave. Sure, that's the social trend these days, but no one forces them to. I know several females who choose not to shave, and good for them. There's no law that states "women must be clean shaven in both armpits and on both legs" or anything of that sort. So, one could argue that women have to shave to please men. With that argument in mind, men have to shave to please women, too. Yes, many people here in North America find women who don't shave unappealing. From my experience, many people here in North American find men who don't shave unappealing. In short, it goes both ways. We shave (or don't shave) to please whom we wish to please. If you think it's obligatory (and you're not in the military), then bite me. You shave because you want to.
Jump. Kick. Turn. And pose. (That's for YOU Emily, if you even bother to read this)
Second rant of the evening: toilet paper. Not so much advertisements of them, or the actual use of them, but the debates about toilet paper. You're probably wondering what debate. So am I...wait, no I'm not wondering. Okay, this is what bothers me. People debating if toilet paper should be accessed under the roll, or over the roll. The first thing I'd like to know about that is, "What's your stinkin' problem?!" What difference does it make? Either way, you can use the good ol' "hit-n-spin" technique to provide your toilet seat entertainment. Either way, you're going to be clean and fresh at the end of your sacrifice to the Porcelain God. (or Godess for you feminists out there...not that there's anything wrong with feminism) So really, what's the difference? I mean, the only thing that matters to me is that there's a steady supply of it. It's infinitely more comfortable than a Sears catalogue, and with a Sears catalogue, you also run the risk of ruining the women's underwear section. Mmmm...Sears models. *drool* Oh...anyway, as I was saying, I don't really care if it's under or over. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't even have to be on the spool-thingy-ma-jiggy. I'm even willing to extract it from its store wrap if I must. So kids, if you ever find yourself arguing with one of your comrades about this, just stop. Think. Ask yourself, "What's the meaning of life?" And your debate will be over soon enough.
Seeing as I haven't really got a third idea (geez, two weeks and I'm brain dead...ah well, go look at my pic in the bios and laugh at that for a little while) But to keep on topic, I'm going to compare another two things. Socks. Tube socks vs. socks with ankles in them. Again, ultimately, it doesn't matter, but I'm going to have a little fun and debate this with myself. (God, I'm so lonely) So, tube socks. What's so great about them? Everything. You can wear them any way you want. You don't have to make sure you put your ankle in the same spot every time. If they start to wear, you can turn them to the opposite side and start wearing down the good side. It's like doubling the lifetime! Now, what's so fun and exciting about formed socks. Well, nothing. No socks are exciting. What makes them better than tube socks? Easy, there's no way you can screw them up. You know exactly where everything is supposed to fit. Plus, with tube socks, if you wear them on one side too much, them start to form just a wee bit and when you want to turn them over, you've got all this excess slack on the top of your foot and can get really uncomfortable in shoes. All in all, folks, it's really what you prefer. I'll take what I can get for a good price (yes, I'm cheap) and that's fine with me. (No, I don't buy socks that don't fit.)
There's my lame-ass column for this week (bi-week, whatever...). I know it's nothing spectacular, but if you've made it this far, you've got either a very strong stomach or it isn't that bad. (likely the first) And for those who have made it this far, I'll have you know it's not going to be a rant column all the time. I'll probably take up some reading of the National Enquirer or something. Anything that may be funny, or what I find funny. (kinda like that guy that fell asleep on the #1 bus and didn't wake up when it got to the Sportsplex, so he ended up going on another trip to Halifax. I can just seem him waking up on while the bus is heading back over on the bridge, "What the? Oh, we're on the bridge...awh, jesus...we're going the wrong way! Damnit!" I'm sorry, but picturing that is amusing to me...and that's exactly why I don't sleep on the bus) So kids, I've got to get some rest before my big day tomorrow. I get to sleep in and do nothing. So I'll leave this week in bad taste and mention something from my debut column. Vaginal dryness. Maybe I'll manage to put that in every column. Maybe...or maybe not. Take care, and if you have any ideas or thoughts, feel free to e-mail me. ( jingram@is2.dal.ca )
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