Bedtime Stories



Alas, I've actually decided to write another column within a week of the last one. Maybe it's to make up for the fact that I will not be writing one next week. I'm afraid, that as a hard working chemical engineer (not like those half-assed mining engineers) I've got to prepare for a difficult exam. That drunken wuss, Gentleman Jeff, he couldn't write a technical exam if his life depended on it. Oh, la-dee-dah, he's taking philosophy...that's so...difficult...one, would, in Jeff's case, theorize. Anyway, enough of trashing that trash. I've decided not to rant this week. In an attempt to be a little more humorous, I've decided to make a list of some of the worst ideas ever, and some of my thoughts on them. I reiterate, it is just an attempt to be more humorous. The only guarantee is that it's going to be better than any 20% Amnesia. (not that it's hard) So, here we go:

Stupid ideas:

The Block Quebecquois. (mis-spelled intentionally) Why is that stupid? Because it's a Canadian Political party that is based on only helping Quebec. What a bunch of jerks. You want to destroy the country that's saving your ass. If there's any Block supporters reading this, bite me. You'd be foolish to separate. And if you do, I hope you don't get any help so you'll learn a lesson.

Clown Porn. Sorry, Jeff. Dumb idea. Albeit, almost anything could be better than what's shown on Global, clown porn is just sick. Porn itself is kind of annoying to watch all day (not that I've ever done that), let alone clowns. No one likes clowns. I have no idea why many people haven't figured that one out.

Jerry Springer. My Gawd, what an awful show. It's not even worth it for watching the fights anymore. Horrible camera work, boys. I wanna see more contact! Everything is bleeped out, too. Where's all the cussin' and violence when you're bored on a Wednesday evening. Sheesh.

Doing drugs. Sure, lots of people do it, and "studies" say they really don't hurt you. I say that's crap. You're polluting your system and probably getting addicted. You're messing up your mind. Silly. Not that I don't drink and consume caffeine like there's no tomorrow, but I'll admit to that being dumb. I never started off with many brain cells in the first place, so there.

Eating Yellow snow. We all know what's in yellow snow, so don't eat it. Not yummy. Ask Jeff.

Modified "Sports"-Trucks. You know what I'm talking about. Those trucks, modified by being lowered to about half an inch (1.27cm) above the ground, and a spoiler added to the back. If I'm not mistaken, the point of a pickup truck is to carry heavy loads and haul various goodies a normal car would be able to carry. Not the supe-up and race and be "sporty". Geez, I wish I could be that much of a tool.

Bungee Jumping with the cord attached to your genitals. Need I say more?

Writing Unfunny Humor Columns That Offend The General Public. You see, if you write something that isn't funny but should be, no one will read it and you'll just end up wasting your time. Wasting your time is a pretty dumb idea too, but can be fun at various times. Mr. Roboto?

Picking Your Nose. Although it's huge wealth of non-perishable food resources, it's socially unacceptable and it causes nose bleeds. In case you didn't read my first column, I have no interests in anything to do with bleeding. (Oy, that was in bad taste!)

Saying Vaginal Dryness as Much As Possible. It's just an issue no one wants to hear about it. Sweet, sweet ignorance. :)

Anyway, my mental resources are completely wasted. Again, it was another night of volleyball and I'm tired and stuff. So deal with you. Yes, it's a very weak column, but it's Wiggie's fault for getting me to write for him. He knows I'm not funny. That's why none of my friends read this, they know I'm not funny. I'm a physical type humorist. I'm so...animated. I have dreams of being the next Jim Carrey I just can't write sketches or humor columns. * sigh * See you in two weeks. In the meantime, you're fired.



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