| I have recently realized that I am obsessed with Space Ghost. At first I thought I may have been in love with it, but I am far, far beyond that. I love Space Ghost so much, I'm even contemplating getting a job there. I eat there so much I think I could be a candidate to win the national Space Ghost Award for Most Valued Patron (better described as the Stoner of the Year Award), if that award existed of course. I go to Space Ghost like 10-15 times a week. Albeit, it's usually at 1 a.m., when I'm stoned out of my mind and starving to death. See, that is the beauty of Space Ghost, it is always open. Okay, sometimes it closes, but only after all the stoners have long since passed out for the night. I don't really have a favorite Space Ghost delicacy, to choose just one would be like blasphemy. All Space Ghost foods exist because of the existence of all the other Space Ghost foods. They are all one. To say that one was better than another would interrupt that cycle, and corrupt the natural existence of Space Ghost as a whole. I'm just kidding. I prefer Gorditas, but my only problem is that you have to put like four packets of hot sauce on the freaking things to even taste it! Alright, so maybe that's one bad thing about Space Ghost, the hot sauce.
How Space Ghost refers to sauce What it actually is
Mild Sauce Salad Dressing
Hot Sauce Mild Sauce
Fire Sauce Semi-Hot Sauce
And, as if life couldn't get any better, they have now come out with Space Ghost Lunchables. We as stoners need to get down on our knees and thank God for this invention. I mean, that "meat" (the term meat being used very loosely) may be the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my entire life, but this is the perfect thing to eat when you wake up in a stoned hunger attack after being passed out for an hour or so and you're too sleepy and dazed to actually go to Space Ghost. They should have a commercial where a stoner dude is freaking out, then he sees this sign that says "In case of emergency, break glass" and under the glass is a Space Ghost Lunchable.
Probably the reason that Space Ghost is so cool is because it owned by God himself, Pepsi. Pepsi is going to be responsible for achieving peace on earth, mark my word. It has magical properties that unenlightened folk such as yourself may not be aware of. Why, just yesterday, I had cancer and I cured it with Pepsi. Well, okay, Pepsi and weed. I am going to tell you now, so that eventually everyone will see what a great prognosticator I am, Pepsico is going to take over the world. As if owning Space Ghost wouldn't be enough to do it, they also own Pizza Hut and KFC. Pizza Hut is the only respectable affordable pizza business in America, and as for KFC, it's the only place in the world that serves rat, I mean chicken (don't want to get sued (although that's what it actually is, RAT)), on a daily basis. And Pepsi is opening a whole new chain of fast food restaurants which will automatically become the second largest fast food chain in America. As soon as they do this, sit back and watch all the Coca-Cola serving restaurants like Mc "our fries get too cold to eat in three minutes, and although at one time we had the best tasting fry in America, we have now been overtaken by Arby's of all places" Donald's, Har "every single solitary food we serve contains mushrooms" dees, and Burger "we have lost all respectability since we started serving Coke instead of Pepsi, oh wait we never had any respectability" King die an unnoticeable death.
I used to have a disclaimer here that said "Note: Since, I have written this page, Pepsi no longer owns Space Ghost. But I'm leaving this next paragraph up because the page just wouldn't be complete without it." But I recently received the top secret information from the apostle/slave of Pepsi, Robert. He has given me some great information. While Pepsico did give control of Space Ghost, Pizza Hut and KFC to TriCon Industries, PepsiCo owns TriCon Industries. So now we can all sleep at night.
And now, please enjoy this sonnet I wrote about my love, my lord and savior, the son of Pepsi, Space Ghost:
The feeling that you give me to many may seem queer
But I dream of making love to you, oh Space Ghost my dear
I think about your hard shell tacos, so firm and full of meat.
How I long to feast upon this rich and luscious treat.
I dream about your soft shells too
and about your sour cream.
I think about your Nachos
and how they make me scream.
You are such a special soul these days
You serve me so very long.
You respect me like a restaurant should.
Our love is like a song.
I hunger for your Chili Cheese Burritos,
Embrace your Mountain Dew.
Space Ghost, please always know
That I'm in love with you.
Hahaha. Was that not cool? Yes you're absolutely right, it was just that. Not cool. Anyway...a while back I was positive that Space Ghost was going to make me a millionaire. But, alas, the whole Reveal Bruce Wayne thing turned out to be a scam. My esteemed colleague ericao (please visit his page, he is a recovering Space Ghost addict as well) and I had a system that covered most parts of the United States. We assumed that if we had control of basically every Space Ghost cup in America, then we would win the money. We weren't even aiming for Bruce Wayne for god's sake, we only wanted a measly number 8! But we never got a number 8 because it didn't exist! :::sigh::: We did manage to collect 3, 453 number 6's however. So, if someone out there reading this got a number 8 game piece and didn't cash it in, then I am here to tell you to kiss my ass. Or maybe it was number 7....
Any city that doesn't have a Space Ghost should be declared uninhabitable by the United States government. Having no Space Ghost can not be good for the future of any city. I vow that when and if I have children 1) I will never send them to a religious school and 2) I will not raise them in a non-Space Ghost having district. Sometimes I start thinking to myself "god, life sucks", "why do I live in this boring dairy state?", "why is my sister a complete bitch?", "why is my mom a complete bitch?", "why is my dad a complete bitch?", "why is my boyfriend a complete bitch?", "why is everyone else in the world a conformist?", "why do people hate?", or "why is there nothing on the freaking television, how can you have 72 channels and watch nothing except Prevue Guide 24 hours a day?", but then I just think to myself "Tina! You live 4 blocks away from a Space Ghost! Where the hell do you get off complaining about anything??" My friends are always asking me how I can always be so happy all the time. Well, there's my secret.
I have a confession to make regarding Space Ghost. This may shock you, really it may. I was never inside a Space Ghost restaurant until July 24, 1997. Really, it's TRUE! Up until that point I had only gotten my food at the drive through. This is very hard for some of you to believe, I can tell. I only lost my Space Ghost virginity last summer! Well, it was a most gratifying experience. I ordered five Double Decker Tacos to go, and the freaking idiot behind the counter charged me for five Double Decker Taco Supremes. What a damn fool! I swear fast food employees are the most unthinking group of people I have ever encountered. Rivaled only by Social Darwinists and Christian Fundamentalists. Anyway, then I got my food and waited for my friend "Tony"*, I don't know what he ordered, some kind of food and a Mountain Dew, which I of course told him not to do since I have this Pepsi obsession and all. He still drank the Mountain Dew so I gave up. Those people that love anything besides Pepsi cannot be saved so why should I waste my energy? But just because I couldn't save him doesn't mean I can't save you: You do know that Mountain Dew makes you sterile right? Yellow 5 kills sperm and all that Mountain Dew contains, for the love of god, is Yellow 5. Why do you think it looks like pee? So, then we took our food, walked out the door and went back to my house and that was the end of my Space Ghost adventure.
I have a second confession to make regarding Space Ghost. I once, actually twice, pranked a Space Ghost. Me and my friend Tim got incredibly bored at about 1 in the morning and we were playing with this toy called The Grossinator. If you shop at Spencer's you may have heard of it. You press the buttons and it mixes phrases together and shouts out disgusting statements such as "I'm gonna make a horrible gross fart", "You're like a horrible oozing scab", and/or "Let's all make a putrid, disgusting booger". Well, it was late and we were giddy without weed, so we bought out the phone book and decided to prank some local restaurants. Of course, Space Ghost is the only restaurant open at this hour, so we called up and upon the answer, we played "I'm gonna make a horrible gross fart". The fool that answered hung up and dialed *69. So Space Ghost left a message on Tim's voice mail. Not like his mom even cared. So we called another Space Ghost then and this one just hung up. If I worked at Space Ghost I would have had something to say for two little freak ass punks who called me to play with their little toy. But again, fast food employees are idiots, so these two losers couldn't handle the wrath of FreakOut and friends.
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