Joey Gloop: A guy who just can’t seem to get enough of food
One day . . .
JC: Hey Grandpa Joe! Grandma Josephine! Grandpa George! Grandma Georgina! I’m home from school!
All: Who the hell cares
JC: Guess what Grandpa Joe! I was passing by the old Wonka factory today and I saw someone there!
Joe: That’s great kid
JC: I did! Really!
Joe: Well guess what JC. Wonka is having a contest for five people to go into his chocolate factory. All you have to do is buy lots of chocolate and eat it all until you find some stupid golden ticket. Then we can go into the factory and smuggle all the food back home so that we don’t have to eat crappy cabbage soup anymore. Got it?
JC: *shocked* But Grandpa Joe! I can’t eat chocolate or else It’ll blemish my delicate skin!
Joe: Fine then, well you can just kiss your inheritance money good bye
JC: But you have no inheritance money. We’re all poor as hell, remember?
Joe: Oh yeah, well you know what? I’m gonna sing Backstreet Boys songs all day long. How do you feel about that, huh? ‘QUIT PLAYIN GAMES . . .’
JC: Noooooooooo! Alright! I’ll do it! Just give me some money and I’ll go buy the friggin candy!
Joe: Good boy. Here’s a dime
JC: WHAT THE HELL am I going to buy with a dime, a stick of gum?
Joe: Fine then, you can sing stupid pop songs on the street and have teenyboppers fall madly in love with you. Then you can rip them off with cheap crap and get all their money
JC: Sounds good. I think I’ll do it
**The next Day . . .**
JC: Someone’s already won the first ticket!
Joe: The little son of a . . .
JC: Here let’s watch the TV
Joe: We have a TV? I thought we were poor as hell
JC: Well I bought it with all the money I got from those annoying teenyboppers
Joe: Well that’s good
**On TV**
Reporter: We have today the first winner of the five to visit Wonka in his chocolate factory. Mr. Joey Gloop
Joey: Yep that’s me
Reporter: Well how did you find the ticket?
Joey: Well I was doing my daily shopping and I bought 4,372 bars of chocolate. I decided, hell, why not one more. I ate them all, but I forgot to unwrap them until I bit down on the golden one. Actually, I found the golden ticket, actually
Reporter: Well what do you have to say?
Joey: Got a Twinkie?
JC: See? That fat guy has the first ticket.
Joe: Well don’t worry JC well get the next one. You still eating, boy?
JC: *eating furiously* Yesh.
Joe: Well that’s my boy
**The next day**
JC: Some kid found the next ticket!
Joe: DAMMIT
JC: Here let’s watch TV
**On TV**
Reporter: Hello folks. Here is the second winner, Justin Salt, is that right?
Justin: Yo word up foo’. Ah won the secon ticket an Ah’sa gonna be goin’ to da chocolate factory!
Reporter: ? ? ?
Translator: Yes, I have. I found the second ticket and I’m going to go to the chocolate factory!
Reporter: How did you win it?
Justin: Mah momma she paid lotsa peeps to find da ticket ‘fo me and jus’ yesterday someone find it and now Ah’sa goin to da chocolate factory!
Translator: My mother paid many people to find the ticket for me. Just yesterday someone found it and now I’m going to the Chocolate Factory!
Reporter: Any words?
Justin: Yo, big ups to mah momma, she fly, yo. And too mah Huckleberry Finn
Translator: I’d like to thank my mother, she is the greatest in the world. And to uhh, my pet fish.
Reporter: ? ? ? Umm, okay thanks
JC: Well there’s only three tickets left.
Joe: Well you best be eatin boy
JC: Yes Sir!
**Next day**
JC: Grandpa, you’re not gonna like this . . .
Joe: Let me guess. Some ass much kid has won the third ticket
JC: Yeah. Let's see this on TV
**On TV**
Reporter: Well looks like we’ve found the third lucky winner of the tickets . . . And your name is?
Chris: I’m Chris Teevee! !! ! Hi everybody out there in TV land! Look! I’m wild and crazy and I watch a lot of TV!
Reporter: Umm, okay. Well Mr. Teevee, how did you happen to find the ticket?
Chris: Well I was watching TV when I felt an itch in my head. That’s when I found the chocolate bar stuck in my hair! Ha! Isn’t that funny? I just crack myself up sometimes
Reporter: No, seriously
Chris: Seriously? What is seriously?
Reporter: Never mind. Back to you Bob
JC: Well I guess there’s only two tickets left
Joe: No shit JC, I can subtract, you know
JC: Well I guess I’ll have to coerce my rabid teenybopper fans into buying more of my cheap crap so that I can buy more candy and eat it all, thus making my chances of winning the golden ticket better.
Joe: Yes, you go do that
**The next day**
JC: Well grandpa Joe, guess what-
Joe: Some kid won the fourth ticket right?
JC: How did you know?
Joe: Well it’s starting to become a daily ritual now
JC: Oh. Well let’s see who the next ass munch is now
**On TV**
Reporter: Well, here we are in Mississippi with our fourth winner, Lance Beaureguarde, is that right?
Lance: Yup. I’m from Mississippi alright
Reporter: So how did you find the ticket?
Lance: Well I’m from Mississippi
Reporter: Well, uh, yeah, but Where and HOW did you find it?
Lance: Well, I don’t usually go buy chocolate- It creates blemishes, you know- but well, my boyfriend Nick loves these things, so I bought some for him and I decided to try a few. Turns out it was the winning one! Wow! And I’m from Mississippi
Reporter: So, umm, anything to add?
Lance: Do you think you could give me the name of your hairstylist, cuz honey, you look just divine!
Reporter: Back to you Bob . . . now!
JC: Well there’s only one left
Joe: And you better be the one to get it boy
JC: Well I’m working on it
**Next day**
**At the candy store**
JC: *to clerk* Umm, I’ll have some Chocomallow bars please
Clerk: Jeez kid, haven’t you had enough?
JC: Well I’m trying to win a friggin golden ticket
Clerk: Oh. I see. Fat chance kid
JC: Bite me
**JC opens the bar and sure enough, there’s a golden ticket inside.**
JC: AAAHhhh! Finally!
Clerk: You got one?
JC: Yup
**People start crowding around JC, trying to get his ticket, but JC quickly outruns them and gets home safely**
JC: HEY GUESS WHAT GRANDPA JOE! ! ! !
Joe: Oh holy crap kid, did someone win the last ticket already?!
JC: No. I did!
Joe: Well it’s about time
JC: Yeah and guess what I get to bring someone. You wanna go?
Joe: Why the hell not
**Go to part two . . . coming up! ! ! **