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"Listen, I did not bust my ass so that people could judge me by my personality. Now everyone's judging by personality. Where were they back when I was swinging a hammer?"
Talking about his parents' divorce, and the nature of the resulting situation: "My family broke off into two families, but neither one of those families really wanted to hang out all that much anyway, so it was all right. It wasn't like, it's Christmas morning, so you're gonna be with mom, or it's Christmas morning, so you're gonna be with dad; it was like, it's Christmas morning, see you next year." "When I'm at the porn store—I'm not there all the time, maybe about five hours a day—I'm walking through the sections, making my way, making my way—and then I get to the gay section. And it always takes a second to process, because it all just looks like a ball of flesh, and everything's kind of shiny, you know? So I'm like, 'Huh? Hey, that chick's got a moustache...Awwww!'" To a caller who claims that her female friend has an "oral fixation":
CALLER: She's just, crazy! She likes to give head all the time. She's constantly talking about it! If she were there right now, she'd probably try to do it to you. To a 32-year-old male caller whose 15-year-old brother is coming to live with him: "Don't forget to hide all of the porn. Give it to me, I'll take good care of it. I'll rewind it before I give it back." After talking to a female caller who lusts after a guy who has no interest in her:
ADAM: There's not greater aphrodisiac for a young woman than not being interested. Listen, all you women out there: I'm uninterested in all of you. I'm turning gay, do you hear me? "Wait until I get in power. [Engineer] Mike, I'll make you Minister of Masturbation, or something." After talking to a caller who was regularly having sex with his dog: "Ha ha! Phone Screener Sherry just said, what if he went after a chihuahua? He'd kill it! [pause] I wouldn't." Talking to a guy who has masturbated since the age of six:
ADAM: How did you masturbate at the age of six? Weren't you just diddling yourself? CALLER: Adam, you're my role model. DREW: Uh-oh. ADAM: You're talking to a role model, by the way, who ordered two pay-per-view porn movies in his hotel room in Philadelphia last night. Two! DREW: You didn't go all the way through one and then move on to another, did you? ADAM: I did go all the way through the first one! The bastards chopped the thing up! Nine dollars and fifty-five cents, and they cut out all the money. Can you believe that? DREW: But you watched all the way through hoping that at some point they would actually deliver? ADAM: Yeah! You know, it was so bizarre to watch pornography without the ability to rewind. It was like doing live prime-time TV. You know what I mean? Usually I have the VCR remote in my bad hand, and I'm able to find a part I like and relive it a few times. But when you order a pay-per-view in the room, it goes through! So first of all, I was scared. If I had to go to the bathroom, I just peed on the carpet. I was scared to get up and leave the room. Number two, I had one of those sleeping pills, and it made me a little bit weird. But the point is, I blinked my eyes, the thing was all carved up, and it was over! DREW: What do you mean by "carved up"? ADAM: They cut out all the good, hardcore stuff! All I was left with was a lot of dialogue! I then was unable to satisfy myself on the first movie, because I was waiting for the good stuff, so I promptly ordered another one. Twenty dollars worth of pay-per-view at the Philadelphia hotel. Talking about what they were going to do after going back to the hotel in Washington, D.C.:
ADAM: Drew's going to slink back to his hotel room and go to bed. I am going back to my hotel room and hopefully watching this videotape of bootleg porn that some lovely person at Westwood One gave me. And I gotta tell you, if I don't have a VCR in my room, I don't know what I'm gonna do. CALLER (FEMALE): Me and this guy fooled around, but we didn't really have sex. DREW: Are you a virgin? CALLER: Yes, but barely. ADAM: Yeah, I'm the same way. CALLER: I've got this big pimple on my penis. ADAM: That may be your penis. DREW: Adam, We all know how you sometimes confuse yours with a pimple. ADAM: Yeah! Well, actually, I phrase it this way: "There's a scrotum under my pimple!" "I'm an aetheist, so therefore I don't believe in heaven. But I pray that there's a hell. I really do. For the abusers, the molesters, the rapists. I'm not really interested in the good people being rewarded, but I'm more interested in the bad people being punished." "Rummaging through the rubble of my past is really like being a Red Cross worker trying to dig out some kids from an adobe apartment building that went down in Guatemala after a 7.3. It's a little depressing. It's especially depressing when you're comparing notes with Drew." "School discipline is a weird thing, because the thing you don't like about school is going to school. If I had gotten suspended, it would have been like, 'What's happening to me?' 'You're suspended for three days.' 'I'm gonna watch TV and wack off for three days?' 'Yeah.' 'OK. You can't stretch it out to four? What I did was pretty heinous.' 'No, three days.' 'OK.' 'It's gonna be on your record.' 'Oh, you mean the one they look at when I go into the carpet-cleaning gig?'" ADAM: I swear to god, I always feel like I'm in a fog, I'm in a haze, I'm tired; I feel like hell all the time. But yet, my brain functions pretty well. DREW: In a weird way. ADAM: You couldn't just let me get away with "functioning well"? DREW: No, I meant it in a complimenting way. You're able to focus and carry out very difficult, peculiar cognitive tasks, like pulling things together, telling complex stories— ADAM: I always know who farted, like if there's four guys in the room. "I've always wanted a penis that was large enough to have zones. You know what I mean? One that you could section off. My penis is just a penis, but it can't really be broken off into quadrants." "When I was eight, my curfew was midnight. Then, actually, when I was sixteen, it became eight in the evening the next day. Eventually it became two or three days. If I went out Saturday night, I had to show up Tuesday. I think my parents secretly hoped I wouldn't return, I really do." After Adam said that his Driver's Ed teacher failed him in high school:
ADAM: But who's laughing now? Who's laughing now, Drew? While discussing whether Drew ever medically treats his own kids:
DREW: I don't treat my own family. I just think it's wrong. To a female caller who claims that she dreams about having sex with Adam: "Did I go down on you? Because that's how you know you're dreaming." Talking with comedian Jeff Ross, who had a somewhat abusive mother:
JEFF: My dad would take me into my room, hit the table, and tell me to yell, so my mom thought I was being spanked. Referring to his hairy ass: "I braided my ass shut once. It was part of a bet." About Adam's laziness:
DREW: If you could have chosen to do nothing, you would have done nothing. About the modest living conditions of his childhood: "My parents never gave me that you-don't-know-how-good-you-have-it crap because they knew I would just laugh." About a "threesome" he once had: "It was a foursome if you go by weight, but it was a two-and-a-half-some if you go by actual sexual activity." "If I hold this [silicon breast implant] in one hand and masturbate with the other, I don't need a girlfriend!... I don't know what's going on in Bosnia, I don't know who's to blame in Israel, but I do follow the breast implant news." "Jesus Christ, this guy has slept with five girls, and he's fifteen? I'm gonna kill him. I hate guys like that. When I was fifteen, I was playing with Lincoln Logs and watching Davy and Goliath, crying with my pants around my ankles." "When I have kids, I'm going to think of them as my own UNTIL I have sex with my wife. Then I will think of them as the neighbor's kids. I don't want to think of my wife as 'mommy' while I'm having sex with her." "My porn collection has never turned on me! It has never said 'no'! It has been there for me under any circumstance, at any time of the day. Plus, I don't have to get it drunk to watch it." CALLER: Adam, I met you in Tuscon and you said I had a really pretty name. I want to know whether that was a staple answer or you really meant it. ADAM: Uhhhhh, staple. "Though I don't have any kids, I like to think of my pornography collection as my children." "I've been depressed before, and when you're depressed, all you want to do is nap. Even the splendor of sex is not enough to coax you away from slumber." "When I was in school, people would say to me, 'You're a moron. You're getting D's, and you should be getting... D's.' I never had that burgeoning Einstein inside of me. I had Uncle Fester in there instead." "I love a mirror during sex! I like to look at myself and say, 'hey, look who's getting laid!' Then I hi-five my reflection and break the glass." "You can never trust what you read. Which is why I never read. Thank GOD I never learned to read, now I'm never misled." "As everyone knows, it is my job to pass judgement on everyone else and never take a look at myself." "Working out is miserable. I don't buy that BS about how it's a wonderful experience, and your endorphins are released, how it gives you energy. It just makes me fall asleep afterwards. As SOON as I get to the gym, I'm thinking about going home."
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