Quotes - Dating and Relationships
About whether using commercially sold pheromones can make someone more attractive:
"It's retarded logic. Listen, it may play some miniscule role, but it's not gonna override a big, fat ass and a bucked tooth."
To a male caller whose female friend has multiple-personality disorder:
CALLER: Her alter personality is called "Batman," and when she's around me, she says, "Batman wants you to go down."
ADAM: Next time she says that, say, "Comissioner Gordon wants you to blow me."
CALLER (FEMALE): I can't have an orgasm.
ADAM: You've never had one?
CALLER: I think I've had one with a girl, but no guy has ever given me pleasure during sex.
ADAM: So you've had a girl give you one?
CALLER: Yeah.
ADAM: Just an extra one she had lying around?
Talking with "Barry," a Mormon caller who is concerned because his Mormon girlfriend does not want to get intimate:
DREW: How come you have different standards than she does? You're both Mormon.
ADAM: He's Mormon with a boner. That's different.
SARAH (CALLER): I'm in a threesome relationship.
ADAM: What is it? You, another girl, and a guy?
SARAH: Yeah.
ADAM: That son of a bitch. How old is he?
SARAH: He's 18.
ADAM: Bruce, could you imagine swinging like that at 18? You never would have finished med school. There's no way this guy's in college, is he?
SARAH: No.
ADAM: He's not in high school, right?
SARAH: No.
ADAM: He's just not going to school, right?
SARAH: Yeah.
ADAM: See, for guys who get a ton of trim that way, there's no incentive. They're not going to college because they're too busy getting laid. I gotta tell you, Sarah, the odds are against you. We would guess that everyone's background, except for his, actually, is a little bit suspect.
Talking to a 26-year-old female caller whose husband has been away on a long business trip:
CALLER: I miss him; it's still very early in our marriage.
DREW: Yes! You need to establish some intimacy soon.
ADAM: I look at it this way: how long has he been gone?
CALLER: Two months.
ADAM: To me, that just means that the marriage is going to last two months longer.
About the Valentine's Day show, on which Adam and Drew only took relationship-related calls:
"You know what's weird about all the people who call up with complaints about their partner and the way they're being treated? I'm pissed off at them two minutes into the call, so I could only imagine what it's like seeing them three times a week for six months! I smell a dangerous trend tonight. Anybody who calls tonight is sort of a Valentine's loser. You know what I'm talking about? We're kind of thumbing through the reject bin tonight."
Talking to "John," a 26-year-old caller who wanted to divorce his wife, but now misses her:
JOHN: Now, I don't know if it's just the mourning process, or whatever, but I can't think of anything but her. I crave the single life, yet I don't go out. I stay home all the time.
ADAM: Well, that's reality. Listen, John, I don't want to be cruel, but if you were getting laid, you wouldn't be sitting at home pining for her, right?
JOHN: That's probably true.
ADAM: But the single life isn't what it's cracked up to be.
DREW: It may be for her.
ADAM: Yeah. John, you pictured yourself out on the town in a silk ascot and a white blazer, pulling up in a Daytona Ferrari, and the camera flashes going off as you made your way into a trendy restaurant. But the reality is, you're sitting at home eating Dinty Moore Stew out of the can and masturbating.
"I believe that at least 65-80% of auto glass breakage is caused from domestic disuptes. Your car is like a piece of you that you leave out in your driveway unguarded. It's almost like you left one of your ass cheeks out in your driveway for someone to kick, spit on, urinate on, or break while you were somewhere else. In every young-person breakup dispute, the car always suffers the most."
CALLER: I'm addicted to food and to sex.
ADAM: That's a rough combo, because it's hard to get laid when you're fat. They almost cancel each other out.
To a 15-year-old girl who wants to date an 18-year-old guy:
CALLER: Well, we have a lot in common, and—
ADAM: Let me tell you what you two have in common: he's horny, and you have a vagina.
Also...
ADAM: What kind of car does this guy drive?
CALLER: He drives a Honda Civic.
ADAM: Oh, then there may be hope for him. He hasn't lowered it, has he?
CALLER: Yeah, he has.
ADAM: He did?
CALLER: Yeah.
ADAM: Oh, then that's it. Sorry! it's over! If he hadn't lowered the Civic, I was gonna let you go.
About why anal sex between a heterosexual couple is pointless:
"Everyone's got an asshole! Even my grandpa's got an asshole. You gotta go for the vagina and the breasts!"
"Let me define 'open relationship' for all the guys out there: she opens her legs, and you open a porn magazine."
To a female caller who wants to break up with her boyfriend:
CALLER: But he has a whole bunch of my stuff.
DREW: Well, go get it.
CALLER: But I don't want to call him, because then he'll think that I like him.
ADAM: Believe me, I've had many a woman call me to come get her crap, and I never thought for a second that she liked me. I could tell by the way she hurried out, slammed the door behind her, and never called again.
To a girl who wants to know how to sexually please her boyfriend:
ADAM: How about just good, old-fashioned oral sex?
CALLER: I do that already.
ADAM: How about letting him watch TV while you're doing it?
"[Straight] guys who are into the buttlove aren't into it for the physical sensation; they're in it for the emotional charge. When you're in someone's ass, you are clearly in charge, and they are clearly subservient. What would they say no to if they didn't say no to this?"
ADAM: Listen. I've got news for everybody out there. There's no one you're gonna find who, after about three years, you're not gonna be bored of looking at naked. That's the biology of it. There's no one you're gonna find out there who, after five or eight years of marriage, you're not gonna be running down the stairs to greet them when they come home from work. You know what I mean? That's life. That wears off. You do it with every aspect of life.
DREW: Yeah, but there's a different level of involvement. You don't even know this world exists, I think: the family commitment, the one where you really get involved with somebody in a way that's kind of deep. Then all that other stuff seems kind of silly.
ADAM: You mean all the part about being happy?
"If you're a guy, you have absolutely NO idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, EVER. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of."
To a guy who just divorced his wife:
CALLER: Some days I won't really be thinking about her, and then all of a sudden, whammo, I'm, like, crying or whatever, and then other times, I'm like, "That stupid broad." It's hard to tell what emotions are rational.
DREW: Why are you separated?
CALLER: She cheated on me.
ADAM: Let's stick with the "stupid broad" angle.
CALLER (FEMALE): After sex, I've always been the first one to leave.
DREW: Leave the relationship?
CALLER: No, leave the place where we were having sex.
ADAM: First one out of the van?
To "Shane," a female porn director, who once had a relationship with a
colleague named "Seymour Butts":
"If my sister called me up and told me 'Good news, I'm getting married,' and I said 'Who is he, what does he do,' and she said 'He's a porn director named Seymour Butts,' I'd then say that I'll give it six months, and that someone's gonna lose an eye."
"Catching your boyfriend cheating on you is like finding roaches in the apartment. If you see one roach crawling on the counter when you flick on the kitchen light in the middle of the night, you can be sure there are about a hundred more nearby."
"If you're a 'player' and you're a virgin, then you play with yourself. That's where the 'playing' part comes from."
"You know you're getting laid that night when a woman mispronounces her own name."
"Listen, all you kids with a new girlfriend or boyfriend. This relationship is going to end the same way his or her last one ended. If she claims she dumped her last boyfriend abruptly because she got bored after four months, then enjoy. The clock is ticking. You have four months."
JIM (CALLER): I'm 27 and I'm a virgin.
ADAM: What do you do for a living?
JIM: I make dentures.
ADAM: Jim, you're going to be a virgin for a while.
Talking to a caller who wants to ask some girl out:
CALLER: I don't know how protective her brother will be of her.
ADAM: Listen, I have a sister, and I couldn't WAIT for her to get out of the house. "Have sex with any of my friends and don't tell me about it" was my approach.
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