So, without further ado, here is the first "Top Whatever" of this month!

Keeping up with the topic of things NOT to say to authority figures, here’s the Top 5 Things NOT To Say To Teachers:

#5: Mrs. (insert name here), you bear a striking resemblence to my pet toad!

#4: Is it true that none of the stuff we learn in school will be of any relevance to us in oufuture unless we become teachers ourselves?

#3: At what point in my career as a McDonald’s burger flipper will I need to know the square root of 9.6?

#2: Is it true all gym teachers are gay? (I’d like to take this moment to say Ayami did NOT write this, so blame ME not HER!)

#1: NO, YOU drop and give ME 20!

In keeping up with my theme “Top 5 Things NOT To Say To Authority Figures”, I’m gonna do one about my b-day (Feb. 3) So, without further ado (whatever that means) the
“Top 5 Thing NOT To Say To Your Friends Before Your Birthday” (they’re authority figures to some extent)

#5: I want a CD player, a dcTalk CD, a nice T-shirt, or a Pez dispenser! (I actually said that, guess what I got!)

#4: I never knew when your birthday was, so that’s why I never got you a present. You still gotta get me one! (Once again, I tried it, and I got nothing this time!)

#3: Hey, why not just gve me money this year? (This will offend them, they’ll think thatyou hate their gifts, and once again, you’ll get NOTHING)

#2: I want a CD player, not a TAPE player! (If you say this to your parents, they’ll hear the opposite, so best keep your mouth shut on this one!)

#1: It’s really the thought that counts. (They’ll say “Well, I just THOUGHT about gettingyou a gift, so I don’t have to get you one!”)

OK, I’m going to start using themes for my Top Whatevers, starting in this, the first month of the New Year. Was last one was used, just out of curiosity?
Anyway, the first theme will be things NOT to say to authority figures.

Top 5 Things NOT To Say To Cops!

#5: I was speeding? You must’ve been doing at least 150 to catch up to me!

#4: No, may I see YOU’RE lisence and registration? (That’ll really get ‘em going!)

#3: You see officer, I was reaching for my bag of crack when my gun fell off my lap and lodged itself behind the brakes, causing me to speed uncontrollably.

#2: REALLY? JUST A WARNING? That’s what the last 3 Officers gave me!

#1: Bad Cop! No Doughnut!

OK, since this is the last month of the year, I’m getting my New Years Resolutions ready! I know Christmas is coming first, but my shopping’s nearly done. Anyway, my main resolution is to conquer the world, and these are the TOP 5 THINGS I’D DO IF I RULED THE WORLD (IN ORDER OF WHEN I’D DO THEM, BUT WITH 5 BEING THE FIRST INSTEAD OF 1)

#5: Put a church on every corner (Hey, I’m taking over the world for Christ too!)

#4: Make Canada the capitol of the world! Not any particular city, the entire country!‘Cause CANADA RULES!

#3: Make the world’s official language Pig Latin, so that anyone from anywhere could talk. (No one would know what anyone was saying, but they could still talk!)

#2: Make “Oh, Canada” the World’s Anthem (Hey, I’m Ben From Canada, it would be The Star Spangled Banner if I was Ben From America!)

#1: Make the world’s official currency tree fruit. There would be many benefits from this: Kids would keep their apples that they got in their lunches instead of throwing them away, we wouldn’t cut down any trees to get money, and whenever your dad says “You think money grows on trees?” you could say “Yes, it does, now go pick me my allowance!”

#5: Fling a scarf around your neck and tell everyone you’re the casting director for AllyMcBeal

#4: Go onto a Bible chatline and ask if anyone saw the Yankees game.(Hey, that mightwork.....)

#3: Answer evey question that is asked to you with : "I don’t know." Example: What’s you’re Favourite song? I don’t know. What’s your favourite sport? I don’t know. Do you play any sports? I don’t know. What’s your name, anyway? I don’t know. Do you knowanything? I don’t know.

#2: Replace the milk with sour cream, then say that the “Mysterious Stranger FromBeyond” did it. (Hey, another good idea......)

#1: Everywhere you go-LIMBO! (I know I did that last time, but it’s just soooooooo annoying!)

#5: Convince the entire jury to say "We find the defendant Not Guilty of being Innocent."

#4: Walk around on all fours with a big green backpack on your back. When someone asks what you're doing, say that you're a snapping turtle, then bite their toes.

#3: Argue both sides of this heated debate: Elvis: Abducted by Aliens, or Living in a Trailer Park in South Carolina?

#2: Repeatedly and loudly, tell jokes without punchlines.

#1: Everywhere you go-LIMBO!

#5 Write a letter to the company that made up the “Hooked on Phonics” reading program, and say “Hukt un Fawnix rilly wurkt fer mee!” (but don’t be stupid and put a return address, and don’t tell them who sent you!)

#4 Go outside in freezing cold weather with nothing but a t-shirt and shorts (and underwear) and say “Boy, talk about heat, eh? I’m burning up here!”

#3 In history class, when they ask you who the greatest man in history is, say it is (unknown actor’s name) and then say it’s either him or (unknown musician’s name) or (unknown inventor’s name) or...well, you get the picture (I hope)

#2 Sign your name on everything as “Sir (or Lady) Reginald (or Elizabeth) Q. Xavier Thompson III”, just so that everyone thinks you’re rich or important or something.

And the most Annoying thing this week is: Putting a number beside your name when you sign something!

#5 Shower curtains that are see-through (aren't they the most pointless things on the planet? maybe if you couldn't see through them....)

#4 Jean-Claude Van-Damme movies. Come on, it's the same movie every time, only a different name! Same with Sly Stallone, Steven Seagal and Arnold Swarzenegger.

#3 Airports. They NEVER give you your luggage when you land! That is, if your flight isn't cancelled!

#2 Pro atheletes. All they ever talk about to the media is "Well, I'm pretty mad! I make about ONLY 9 million a game! I should make double that!" And that's just the normal ones! You should see the superstars!

And the #1 annoying thing of the week is: Stupid people. People with nothing wrong with their brains, but still act REAL stupid! (Unless their name is Ben!) Well, that's it!

#5 People who say “Like” lots(Like, whatever! Like, that was, like so totally awesome!Like, I really, like, like it! Like, OK! On with the list!)

#4 Write a letter to Steven Spielberg saying this: “I loved the Jurassic park movies so much! One thing though, the story was AWESOME,but the special effects sucked.”

#3 Go into a mental institute alone, pretending to be dragging someone behind you, and say “My friend here says he sees things! What’s that....I don’t think they have any rooms with a view. Pardon....Oh, he wants to know if you have any famous people in here.” And continue this conversation with yourself until you’re taken away (be sure to say it was justa joke, though! That’s the annoying part!)

#2 Going into a bathroom stall, not having any toilet paper, asking the person next to youfor some, and them not having any either!

And the Number 1 Annoying Thing Of The Week: Sing the Barney song at a Metallica concert! (Or a Metallica song at a Barney concert!)

#5 Buy a loudspeaker (the ones cops use), go on a road trip, and yell out greeting toeveryone you pass with it.

#4 On a crowded elevator, yell out DING every time you reach a new floor.

#3 Also on a crowded elevator, sing a song about whatever floor you’re on ex. Floor 8, 8,we’re feeling really great here on floor 8.

#2 Talk to everyone you meet in Steve Urkel’s voice.

#1 E-mail lots of junk mail to Ayami! j/k REAL #1 Forget to flush the toilet!

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