Courtship...
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.
The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. 'I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten Inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. 'When Sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake. 'Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. 'Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor -- lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. 'The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.'
Q: How do you make a hormone? A: Don't pay her.
Q: Whats the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'? A: About 4 inches.
Q: Whats the difference between Like and Love? A: Spit and Swallow.
Q: What do Rubiks cube and a penis have in common? A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!
Q: How do you recycle a used tampon? A: As a tea-bag for vampires.
Q: What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?. A: Fucks funny!.
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong? (a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blowjob. Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q: Why did the condom fly across the room? A: Because it got pissed off.
Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? A: He decided to stick it out for one more year!
The Zoo
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What what to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.
So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla -- for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered "okay" and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all.
The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again.
To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck, drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time.
By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says "hmmm - that's weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn".
Jump Dammit!
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, ``Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'' I said, ``No, sir. I'm too scared.''
So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, ``Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.''"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
PROXY FATHERS
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father- a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon."
Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell........
Mrs Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."
Mrs Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."
Mrs Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Mrs Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Mrs Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."
Mrs Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Mrs Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Mrs Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Mrs Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Mrs Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Mrs Smith?...Mrs Smith?...My word, she's fainted!
Chunky?
After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into many and soon everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each other and end up going home separately. The next day at the office, the three gather by the watercooler to discuss the past evening's events. The first guy says, "I got so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks." The second guy pipes up: "That's nothing. I got so drunk that I got in my car and drove it right into a telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn't get hurt, but now I have no car." The third guy says, "Well, I got so drunk that when I got home, I insulted my girlfriend and knocked over a candle which lit the apartment on fire. She dumped me, all my belongings are destroyed and the home insurance won't cover the damage." The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers, "I'm not sure you guys understand. Chunks is my dog."
Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. Bartender: "Hey pal, is something wrong?" The Guy: "Yeah,... I'm really depressed" Bartender: "Why, what's the matter?" The Guy: "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend" Bartender: "Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?" The Guy: "I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over" Bartender: "That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?" The Guy: "I sat him down...tied him up...looked him straight in the eye...and said..." Bad Dog! Bad Dog!"
Magic Mirror
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash.....and both his legs fall off.
Nudist camp
A family of three (mom, dad and a 10 year-old girl) went down to Florida to visit a nudist camp. The girl goes walking around on the beach and comes back to her mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, women down here have bigger breasts than you." The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are."
The girl goes and walks around again. She comes back to her mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, guys down here have bigger penises than dad." The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are."
The girl goes on her way and comes running back to her mom again. "Mommy, mommy, dad is talking to this really dumb blonde and the longer he talks the dumber he gets
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,"How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this Oo and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles like this oO and told them this (small circle) is your asshole before prison...
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender: "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her. Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightning roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?
To get back "home" you can click HERE You can also get back to the main "stories" menu by clicking HERE or by using your web browsers "back" button.
