The Creator looked upon Adam and spoke.
"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm going to give you a brain and a penis."
"And the bad news?" Adam asked.
"I'm going to give you enough blood," God declared, "to use only one of them at a time."
Elevator ride A man walks into a building and gets into the elevator. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the second floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the elevator and leans seductively against the wall. The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous. Then she says: "Make a woman out of me". He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies, "Here, iron that."
It's an age old question: Who enjoys sex more, men or women? And here's the answer: Women.
Want proof? You know how when your ear itches, you put your finger in and wiggle it and then take it out? Well, which feels better, your finger or your ear?
I'm Glad I'm A Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'm Glad I'm A Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Ahhh the grand war between the sexes:) :) :) :)
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP.when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking a**holes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate to love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (e.g., microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon her infant when it.walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out, too. Let's spread the rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want answers to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. Dogs good. Cats bad.
20. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
21. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall," you have to sit through "Showgirls."
22. "Fine!" is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
23. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
24. He was not looking at that other girl.
25. Well, okay... maybe a little.
26. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy.
27. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
28. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
29. Your [select appropriate item: butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs] look fine. As.a matter of fact, it/they look d*mned good. Stop asking.
30. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
31. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your period with him.
32. Remember: That Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
33. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, looks fine/smells bad, looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
34. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than he is. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
36. Don't hog the covers.
37. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.
38. He does not just want to be friends.
39. Just because this list doesn't have as many entries as yours doesn't mean it's any less important
Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk,the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other, with a big grin on her face, and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones
> What guys say__________________ What they mean >================ ====================
It is just orange juice, try it.----------------3 more shots, and she'll have her legs wrapped around my head>
She's kind of cute------------------------------I want to bang her till I am blue
I don't know if I like her----------------------She won't blow me
I need you--------------------------------------My hand is tired
I had her---------------------------------------I had (wet dreams about) her all week
I really want to get to know you better---------...so I can tell my friends about it
How do I compare with all your other boyfriends-Is my penis really that small?
You're the only girl I've ever cared about------You are the only girl who has not rejected me
I want you back---------------------------------...for tonight anyway
We've been through so much together-------------If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity
I miss you so much------------------------------I am so horny that my sister is starting to look good.
No, I do not want to dance right now She'll know that I have a hard-on
The break-up should not start for another 24hrs-I want to have sex a few more times
I am different from all the other guys----------I am not circumsized
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