Quotes, September 2000
01. It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
- Tom Stoppard
02. I gloat! Hear me gloat!
- Rudyard Kipling
03. A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles.
- Will Rogers
04. The best helping hand you will ever find is at the end of your own arm.
- Unknown
05. Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and
give you an opportunity to commit more.
- Mark Twain
06. The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
- Warner von Braun
07. Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.
- African Proverb
08. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Unknown
09. I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.
- John Waters
10. I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
- Groucho Marx
11. "If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now."
- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
12. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen
13. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
14. Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
- Roseanne Barr
15. Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
- Francis Bacon
16. Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
- Alfred Hitchcock
17. It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
- Muhammad Ali
18. Egoist: A person of low taste, more interested in themselves than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
19. In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
20. If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The only real security that a man will have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability.
- Henry Ford
21. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler
22. I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.
- Jeff Stilson
23. Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say that there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.
- Frank Zappa
24. Bad taste makes the day go by faster.
- Andy Warhol
25. "Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place."
- Billy Crystal in "City Slickers"
26. "Carlotta was the kind of town where they spell trouble T-R-U-B-I-L, and if you try to correct them, they kill you."
- Steve Martin in "Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid"
27. Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum Girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
- Woody Allen in "Play it again, Sam"
28. "Over the mysteries of female life there is drawn a veil, best left undisturbed."
- Eric Stoltz in "Little Women"
29. "Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts."
- Leslie Nilsen in "Naked Gun 2 1/2"
30. "I'm gonna get us something from all four food groups: hamburgers, french fries, coffee and doughnuts."
- James Belushi in "Red Heat"
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