I wrote this story/poem Aug 4th,1999, the anniversary of my mother's death is coming up Sept 30th and it took me 3 yrs to write this. I've never really *mourned* the death of my Mother, i think about her all the time but i've never really *cried*. First time in 3 yrs since my Mom's passing i felt a sense of relief in my heart.

"I'll see you tomorrow Mom"
were the last words i said to her
Four hours later she was gone
I got the phone call after midnight
My heart was pounding out of my chest
I just knew something was wrong
I didn't pick up the phone
I sat on the edge of my bed
I came downstairs and there was a message
It was my brother in law
"Nancy, your mom passed away tonight"

I felt my world crashing beneath me
I woke up my daughter from her deep sleep
"Grandma died tonight hon"
We both came downstairs and didn't say a word
Sitting on the couch with empty looks on our faces

"Is this real, what's happening??"
Everyone met at the hospital to see her one last time
I couldn't go, i didn't want to see her like that
I needed to remember the last time i saw her
She didn't look good when i saw her earlier that day
i could see it in her eyes
But she always had the time to laugh and smile
That was my Mom, always happy

A couple of hours later there was a knock at my door
My two brothers and my sister in law came to see how i was
I just feel apart, crying on my brother's shoulder
"She looked peaceful Nancy" is what my sister in law said
I thought to myself "first time in a long time she's in peace"
That made me feel a bit better knowing that

I went to my Mom and Dad's house the next day
I pulled into the driveaway and the first thing i see
is tire tracks on the grass from where the ambulance was
My father was standing on the deck
i walk up the stairs slowly, looking at him
Through tears my father said "i tried to save her but i couldn't"
"It's okay Dad" i said to him as i had my arms wrapped around my daughter
He repeated it over and over "i tried, i tried"

I walk into the house and i look around
Looking at the floor knowing she was there
Looking into the bedroom knowing that's where she died
There is no expression on my face, i'm in a daze
I sit down in *My Mom's* chair and i can smell her
Everything feels unreal to me
"Is this happening, is my best friend really gone?"

It happened very quickly that night
My Mom and Dad were watching a movie on T.V
She had been in and out of hospitals all summer
i was supposed to take her to the doctor the next day
She went into the bedroom after the movie was done
and pulled back my father's sheets like she always did for him
She sat down on his bed and said "John can you get me a glass of pop"
My Dad went into the bedroom with the glass in his hand
"I don't feel good" she said to him
She took the glass and my Dad went back into the kitchen
A few minutes passed as my Mom sat on the edge of the bed
"John can you come here again" she said
He went back into the bedroom and sat down with her
"Will you hold my hand, the room is spinning" she said to my father
She knew her life was over, it was time to move on
Her life ended that quickly, she had died before she hit the floor

My Mom was cremated, that's what she always wanted
She never wanted to be buried, she always said that to me
"Just throw my ashes somewhere pretty"
That's what my father did, he threw them on the property
where she spent her last days, at her home

I've got two things of her that are most precious to me
The day of her funeral i walked into their house
and i saw her teddy bear on her bedpost
"Can i have her teddy bear?" i asked my Dad
"Sure go right ahead" he said to me
I took that raddy ol' teddy bear
It is on my bedpost just where she kept it

A few weeks later i asked my sister
"Where's that ring mom had on her finger?"
"Dad must have it" she said to me
Thinking to myself i would love to have that ring
I asked my Dad where the ring was
He pulled out his wallet and opened it up
out came a small yellow envelope
Inside was the ring she wore
"Can i have it?" i asked him
I never realized how small her fingers were
The engraving inside it reads
"Mom" March 13th /36
The day she was born and i wear this ring with pride

My family always had an inside joke
Neither heaven or hell wanted her
That's why she was still with us
She always laughed at that
Well heaven couldn't wait for you any longer
Your with your family now mom
I bet your having the time of your life
You keep them laughing like you did with us here
No more pain and suffering, you can breathe again

Lying on my bed one night i started talking to her
"I'm sorry i didn't come see you Mom"
"That's okay hon i understand" she said to me
"How are you?" i asked her
"I'm great Nancy, i can breathe again"
That brought a smile to my face
"Look i'm in a hot tub"
I could hear her laughing
She had never been in a hot tub before
That made me laugh as i lied on my bed with my eyes closed

I miss my Mom dearly, she was my best friend
I always knew i could talk to her about anything
Even in the darkest hour, she always found a way to smile
We are alot alike so i know she still lives on through me
Knowing that, always brings peace to my mind

Mom