Letter from college
COLLEGE OF FINE ARTS
ALBANY, NEW YORK
Dear Mother and Dad,
It has been nearly three months since I left for college. I have been
remiss in writing, and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not
having written before. I will bring you up to date now; but, before you
read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are
sitting down. Okay.
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and
the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory
when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now.
I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost
normally and only get those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately, the
fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the
gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire
Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital; and,
since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt out dormitory, he was
kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a
basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy, and we have
fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set
the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking
forward to being grandparents, and I know you will welcome the baby and
give it the same love and devotion you gave me when I was a child.
The
reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor
infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and
I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the
penicillin injections I am now taking daily.
I know you will welcome him
into our family with open arms. He is kind; and, although not well
educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and
religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit
you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker
than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is
good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in
the village in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you
up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did
not get a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I
am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is
no one in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in
Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Edna
come play my game
smack my bitch up
