My heart aches with tears unshed.
To this edge, is where my mind led.
Pain is so familiar to me now.
Happiness is no longer allowed.
I forget what it's like to smile for real.
And to show just how I feel.
I'm tired of hiding my pain,
Tired of the composure I must maintain.
I tried the best that I could.
It's caused me more pain than good.
My mind is full of disturbing thoughts,
My soul gone foul as it rots.
My heart bursting at the seams.
If I listen, I can hear its screams.
I'll be served right,
To not live past this night.
I was foolish to believe and dream,
Maybe it wasn't as it seemed.
But oh, how it is true.
Truth hurt me, as it will you.
My heart screams to be relieved,
But my mind won't believe.
How could it believe that I could be happy?
My mind's not as stupid as you might think.
It listens and knows.
It fights and shows.
It knows the ways of this world.
It won't give in to the heart of a girl.
My eyes are shut tight.
My mind is right.
My heart will not survive.
My mind is what keeps me alive.
But can I stand the pain inside?
Live with a soul that's died?
My mind seems to think so.
My heart shouts no.
To believe my mind would cause me more pain.
To believe my heart, it is I that gain.
Should I leave this lonely world behind?
I'm so close to the end of the line.
The edge is so close to me.
My heart seers pain through my body.
My mind blanks as it has given in,
There's nothing to stop me within.
There's nobody here to intervene.
I can go, sight unseen.
The wind swirls, and messes my hair.
The ground is a long ways down there.
I slowly close my eyes,
Let my face lift towards the skies.
The afternoon sun beats down, warming me.
I go around in a circle, twirling.
Standing so near the edge, it's scary.
I swallow, my mind threatening me.
I stare out into the vastness ahead.
I take a step, my feet like lead.
I take in a deep breath.
One step and it's welcomed death.
Slowly I exhale and step off the ledge..
-Mandielynn
6.8.99
