Dying by my own hand.
What a concept.
Self-destructive if I've ever heard it.
To hurt yourself.
Make your vitals work hard.
And finally give up and stop working.
To watch and feel yourself go through that pain.
All by choice.
And to think,
I was ready to make that choice.
More than once, I might add.
Quite a few times I was more than willing to do so.
I can't even stand the sight of blood,
Much less harming myself in that way.
How could I possibly have thought that I'd do that?
Boy, it seems like a long time ago,
When I truly wanted to die.
Now, I don't really want to die.
I am not afraid of dying though.
I suppose I never was.
But I've come to know Death as a pretty close friend.
Always meeting him half way.
But for some reason, he'd always slink away.
Just at the last moment,
Just when I was about to take his hand.
He'd just walk away, disappear.
But he'd call me and come back to the middle after a while.
I could almost count on it.
He was always nagging me to meet him.
Sometimes I would, sometimes I'd fight the urge.
The scariest part is when he'd come towards me
Without me moving.
I'd just stand there, and he'd get closer.
I wouldn't do anything to meet him.
And yet, we were almost hand in hand.
But something always pulled him away.
Some force that I refused to see until he was taken away.
A force that I now know and feel everyday.
Death was taken away,
Killed if you will,
By an unseen force called love.
I truely didn't think it existed.
Really, it didn't, not to me.
And the love that I did know,
It wasn't anything to live for.
I could certainly do without.
But two beings especially.
The showed me what true love is.
They loved me no matter what.
And did what they had to do
To keep me alive.
One helped stand me up,
While the other forced things at me.
Things to make me stronger.
Food for the soul I suppose.
But like some healthy food,
It didn't taste good.
Nor did it feel good.
It hurt,
It made me want to go with Death even more.
Death knew what I liked. Sweets, laughter..
But no.
She still helped me to my feet,
And kept me standing up right,
Lending a shoulder for me to lean on.
And he kept shoving in the good soul food
Down my sore throat,
Through my dying heart,
And to my sickened soul.
To me, it tasted of poison.
But now I know it was best for me.
It made me strong, so now I can stand on my own.
Death doesn't tempt me anymore.
I killed him the last time he tried for my hand.
I killed him with the strength I have inside,
Once the biggest helping of soul food was shoved down my throat.
Now I eat the food on my own.
My soul is getting healthier.
My heart is upright and breathing,
And my throat doesn't hurt anymore.
Until the day Death and Life both come to me,
And say it's time to go with Death,
I plan on eating my healthy soul food,
Adding a little sugar to make it taste good.
And I plan to stay on my own two feet.
No matter how tired I get.
I may need a shoulder to lean on,
But I know I have one that's always there.
She'll always help me up when I fall.
As I'll help her up should she ever need a helping hand.
And I'll feed him soul food should he ever not eat.
Because they showed me what love is.
They loved me from beginning to end.
They cried when I would reach for Death's hands.
And they would pull me away if I got to close.
And for that, I will forever love them.
In learning to love them truly,
And knowing they love me just as much,
I've learned to love myself,
And know I'm too good for death.
-Mandielynn 8.15.99
~For Kristin and Sean. I love you both to death!..oops.
