Wondering the streets, only the lamps to light my way.
So close to the way my life is today.
I just wonder through.
Not knowing what to do.
Not sure of what's ahead of me.
Not liking what's behind me.
I turn my head to find fog and tall dark shadows.
Ahead I see things I don't want to allow.
I wish I could go home.
Go to the place that I come from.
To get away from this place would save me.
To disappear from here, the fear would excape me.
I would finally be free of the unknown and the pain,
To feel free and happy again.
To see the sunshine as bright,
Instead of an annoying thing in my eye.
To see the stars as beautiful,
Instead of feeling alone, staring at a moon so full.
Tonight, I look into the sky,
But I only see darkness beyond the electric light.
That's all my life has been for a while now.
Nothing but a fake, and I still don't know why or how.
I don't know why I stood it so long.
Why I let myself become weak when I was so strong.
I don't know how I didn't see that the light was not real.
I don't know how I didn't know that the feelings are not what you feel.
I want to know why,
Why you insist on telling me a lie.
My life is nothing but a lie to me now.
Nothing but an electric light, shining into the hole below my brow.
Now the moon is covered up too.
That was the only way I could find you.
But you're lost on this street too somewhere.
You're in this city, I just wish you could be here.
I wish you would come and find me.
But instead you run away from me.
I know you don't mean to,
You try and look for me, but that doesn't do.
So I continue on this road in the middle of the night.
Wondering what will be at my left or at my right.
Wondering if anything will hurl at me,
Wondering if the next thing will kill me.
I wonder why I'm still around,
Wonder why I'm not six feet under ground.
This street is filled with killers and mysterious shadows.
All I can do is keep walking, hope they don't take more then I allow.
But hoping doesn't get you far on this street.
I have to keep moving, and watch my feet.
I have to be sure I step on nobodys toes,
But I have to watch out for my own because who knows.
Some one I trust might just turn against me.
Step on my toes for no reason except to be mean.
Or maybe they'd do it on accident. Sorry for how they feel.
But the pain would still be there. The pain is still real.
I hate this world I'm in, this street I have to take.
I wish there was a detour I could make.
But I put myself here for something I wanted so much.
But now I've lost sight of everything, and I hardly know your touch.
I haven't seen you in so long.
I haven't seen the one that's strong.
You were gone, away from me.
And now that you're back, I hurt so badly.
I can't tell the fake from the real.
Is that you or some guy wanting to make a deal?
I have to be careful on this road,
I could end up with a very large load.
A load I don't want, and won't take.
The load I can control, and it's something I won't make.
I'm determined to keep everything away.
I want to get my bubble back like I had yesterday.
I want to be able to shut out this nightmare.
I want to live where things are fair.
I don't want to have to worry about what's going to happen.
I don't want to have someone telling me it can't happen.
I deserve a better road than this.
I deserve one up at the top, one that you helped me miss.
I made a detour way before my time,
Waiting to go with you at the drop of a dime.
And now I'm paying for it.
Yes, I sure am paying for it.
Because you've already detoured away from me.
You've left me alone on this incrediably scary street.
So I continue on my way,
Hoping that maybe there will be a better way.
Maybe you will come back to me.
I can't trust it, like I can't trust the guy behind me.
I have to believe in myself only.
And that's how it's going to be.
I'm going to find that detour away from here.
I'm going to get myself up out of here.
I'm going to find you, track you down.
I'm going to turn over every rock and stone on the ground.
I'll leave nothing unturned.
Until you are returned.
Sure, there's a shadow in front of me.
It sure looks like your form indeed.
It must be my imagination again.
Because this surely can't be the end.
This street is much to rough to end this quick.
Do I believe or do I push through, that's my pick.
If that shadow should turn real.
And your feelings are what you feel.
Then I'll believe, love, and guide you like I know.
If not, I'll turn you away, and then you must go.
For I cannot allow myself to become weak.
I can't afford to be weak on this cold, hard street.
So you decide, what will I do?
But I desperately hope that the shadow becomes you.
2/5/99
-Mandielynn
