I don't know how I can cry so many tears.
I've cried more lately than in years.
It seems like my eyes would run low,
But they keep a steady flow.
I don't know why I do what I do.
But it's because of me, not you.
Even though it is you I use for blame,
It is I that is really to blame.
And if I'm not careful, I fear
I'll be soon crying a red tear.
It'll come from my closed eye.
I wouldn't see it, wouldn't wonder why.
It slides slowly down,
And then splashes on the ground.
Suddenly lost in a dream,
To me it's so real. Or so it seems.
I've fallen to the floor,
Where I fear I'll be forever more.
I lay where I fall,
And I think of it all.
I cry even more.
The blood flowing out the door.
I become weak from loosing so much,
And I fear that I've lost to much.
I must stop crying..
But first I must stop dying.
Stop on the inside and the out.
And figure out what it is about.
Why am I not happy?
I sure should be.
I have everything I need.
But that isn't enough to stop my eyes that bleed.
I guess the want is that much stronger,
And my body and mind just can't take it any longer.
I'm not sure.
Not sure of the cure.
I just know I have to stop the bleeding.
The bleeding from inside of me.
I have to find that wound with in,
And then maybe I can be happy once again.
As I cry these blood tears,
I think of all the things that happened among the years.
They continue to fall in a steady stream,
Draining any life that had been within me.
I am whithering away as time goes on.
And I'm afraid if this continues on.
Afraid of living.
Afraid of dying.
Afraid of most things,
But there is one thing.
One thing I'm not afraid of.
And that is our love.
I run to that with open arms.
Knowing that it will cure all harm.
But for the help that I need,
I must wait here and bleed.
As I think of our love,
And what it can get rid of,
My eyes finally stop the tears.
And I lay there, wishing you were near.
To help me clean up the mess I've made,
And not let the thing that saves me fade.
I slowly wipe away the warm, red tears.
Away from my chin, my cheeks, my ears.
I feel as if I can not move.
I must lay still until my energy improves.
I look around with my eyes,
I look at the red, and then at the white.
The red on my floor,
The white on my door.
The white makes the blood look so dark,
I can't believe that it came from my own heart.
I close my eyes,
Death has finally called upon I.
But a mere second later, I'm opening them again.
I awaken from the dream, and find my one true friend.
The one that has complete control over me,
The one that decides how my life will be.
It's someone I know very well, but who isn't always clear.
I'm staring into a mirror.
-Mandielynn
10/5/98
