Bertiebird's Joke Page

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Who's The King

One morning the lion is feeling especially ferocious. He saunters over to a monkey swinging in a tree and roars, "Who's the king of this jungle?" The monkey scampers down from the tree, bows to the lion and stammered, "Wh..wh...why you are Mr. Lion." A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, "Who's the baddest dude in this jungle?" The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, "You're the baddest, King Lion."

This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80 year old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, "Who's the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?" With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion's belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush. As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get an attitude!"

Little Johnny

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decidied what he will do.

Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything.

Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells her he has worked out his act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there.

Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm.

Here is the first....

'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"

Poor Blondie

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Well," said Herman, "It's not just one car.

It's hundreds of them!"

Childrens Bill of Rights

My son came home from school one day, with a silly grin on his face, He thought he was smarter than me, his mom, and he could put me in my place.

HE SAID: Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright, It's about the laws of the land, today, it's called THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.

IT SAYS: That I don't have to clean my room, I don't even have to cut my hair, Nobody can tell me what I can eat, or choose the clothes I wear.

IT SAID: Freedom of speech is my constitutional guarantee, and it's my choice of what I read, or what I watch on T.V.

I have the freedom of religion, and regardless to what you say, I don't have to ask your God for help---I don't have to pray.

IT SAID: I can wear an earring in my ear, and if I want to--I can pierce my nose, It's my choice if I so desire, to tattoo Satan's numbers--across my toes.

Hey, if ever again you try to spank me, I will charge you with the crime, and I can back up all my charges, With the marks on my behind.

HE SAID, NOW: Don't ever touch my body again, this body of mine is for me to use, And not for your hugs and kisses and stuff, that's just another form of child abuse.

HE CONTINUED WITH: And stop trying to fill my head with morals, like your mama did to you, Things like that are called mind control, And that's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights, you can't do a thing to me, I can call the children's services, better known as C.S.D.

MY TURN!!!!

My very first impression was, to toss this boy right out the door, But here was a chance to teach him a lesson, for once and for ever more.

I took my time and mulled it over, but something like this I couldn't let go, This kid of mine didn't realize, that he was messing with a pro!

AND AWAY WE GO!

The next day we went shopping, very much to his dismay, I didn't buy him 501s or shirts designed by Nike.

I had called and talked to the C.S.D., they said that they didn't really care, If I bought him Volume shoes, or a pair of Nike Airs.

AND THEN: I canceled his appointment with the DMV, so he could test his driving SKILLS, I'd probably be dead by now for sure, If only looks could kill!

I SAID: By-the-way, I don't have time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff for you to munch, I think you should follow C.S.D.'s advice, And make yourself a big sack lunch.

So, you say what? that you're not hungry, that you can wait til dinner time? Well, I am fixing liver and onions, Cause that a favorite dish of mine.

Can we stop to get a movie, so you can watch it on the VCR?

Gosh no!

I sold what was your T.V., And bought four new tires for my car. I also rented out your room, sorry, you really don't need a bed, All I really have to do for you, Is put a roof over your head.

As long as I have to buy your clothes, and the food that you must eat, The money I gave you for an allowance, Is going to buy me something neat.

No more eating after we shop, no more joking along the way, Son, I too have BILL OF RIGHTS, That goes into effect today.

What's the matter, why are you crying? , What are you doing down on your knees? , Why are you asking God to help you, Instead of C.S.D.?

President Clinton

finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh...Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St.Peter.

"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint, "But first you have to confess your sins.

What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale.

There were inappropriate extra-marital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.'

And I made some statements that were misleading but legally accurate - you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal.

We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.'

You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.'

And when you enter you don't have to 'abandon all hope', just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

BertieBird@webtv.net