My Joke Page

Jokes A Plenty

Bubba

Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue had to call up his two friends to I.D. the body.

The mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass said,

"Nope, that ain't Bubba."

Jim-Bob left the room and then Billy-Joe was asked to I.D. the body. The mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass said,

"Nope, that ain't Bubba."

The mortician said, "How can you tell?"

Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"He what..." asked the puzzled mortician.

"Yep, everyone in town knew he had two assholes 'cause every time the three of us went to town, people would always say,'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'"

Tarzan Meets Jane

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.

She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"Sex. What is sex," he asked?

When she began to explain sex to him, the Ape Man responded, "Ohhhhh, you mean "hump hump.'

Tarzan use honey-filled hole in tree. Make Tarzan feel good."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, a hole in a tree.

That's utterly barbaric.

I'll show you how to do it properly." With that,

she took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "put yourself in here."

Tarzan quickly removed his loincloth, stepped closer to the beautiful, naked woman laying before him, then gave her a mighty kick in the crotch.

Jane bellowed with pain, then began to roll on the ground in agony.

After nearly a minute, she managed to get enough breath to gasp,

"What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan looked down at her, smiling nervously, and said,

"Tarzan checking for bees."

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids

Bad: You can't find your birth control pills

Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

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Good: Your son studies a lot in his room

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly: You're in them

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Good: Your husband understands fashion

Bad: He's a cross-dresser

Ugly: He looks better than you

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Good: Your son's finally maturing

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door

Ugly: So are you

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Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter

Bad: She keeps interrupting

Ugly: With corrections

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Good: Your wife's not talking to you

Bad: She wants a divorce

Ugly: She's a lawyer

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Good: The postman's early

Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47

Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

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Good: Your daughter got a new job

Bad: As a hooker

Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients

Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

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Good: You're son is dating someone new

Bad: It's another man

Ugly: He's your best friend

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Good: You're wife is pregnant.

Bad: It's triplets

Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

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Another Little Johnny Joke

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,

"Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side.

I think I'm going to have a wife."

DARE YA!

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted.

The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles.

So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up off the life guard tower and all his friends look up.

He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money.

" No one moves.

The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house.

"Still no one moves."

"OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes.

" Still, no one moves, not even an eye blinks this time."

"OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own.

"Splash!" Someone's in the pool.

Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging.

Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side.

The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.

"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done.

Do you want the money now or later?"

"I don't want the money."

"Do you want the house now or later?"

"I don't want the house."

"Do you want the cars and planes now or later?"

"I don't want the cars or the planes."

"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "Do you want the girls now or later?"

"I don't want the bonds, stocks, stuff all the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says, "Well, what the hell do you want?!?!"

"I want the bastard that pushed me in

Bumper Stickers

1. Constipated people don't give a shit.

2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.

3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.

8. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

9. Thank you for pot smoking.

10. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

14. Horn broken...watch for finger.

15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

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RBHUMPERT@webtv.net