Your host is Dick Eveready, a smug, self loving moron.

The Squares:
Bottom row:
Chris Knight, John Patterson, Batman.

Middle row:
Madmartigan, Val Kilmer, Jim Morrison

Top Row:
Doc Holliday, Chris Shiherlis, Ray Levoi.

"Okay Gertie," says Dick, "choose a square."

Gertrude beams at all the incredibly studly men in front of her. She gushes, "Well Dick, I've always wanted to ride with a cowboy, so I'll choose Doc Holliday."

"Howdy Doc," greets Dick, "how the hell are you?"

"Oh Doc you are a devil," she blushes.

"I have not yet begun to defile myself," he murmurs, taking a swig of his silver flask, then wipes his mouth with a handkerchief.

"Listen up, Doc, here's your question. What's the quickest way to a woman's heart?"

With a deadpan face he replies, "through her rib cage."

Almost everyone laughs but some audience members jeer. Doc ignores them.

"Well Dick, being a Southern gentleman,I've always found the best way to win a woman is to be well groomed and charmin'. Smile, tell her how lovely she is and show her a good time."

Dick turns to Gertrude. "Do you agree or disagree with Doc?"

Gertrude sighs admiringly, "He's so handsome and witty. If any man knows how to treat a woman it's Doc. I agree."

"No. Psychologists say flattery is fun but misleading. The best way to win a woman is to be sincere and honest. Circle gets the square."

"Those damn shrinks. Did a yankee write that drivel?" he frowns.

"It was written by a Doctor Dark from Psychology My Way Magazine."

"Dark, huh? Well, he's gonna be in the dark when I'm done with him," he scowls, brandishing his pistols.

"Take it easy, Doc. It's just a game."

"Blood, now that's my game," he growls, beginning to quiet down. "Sorry darlin'," he apologizes, removing his black hat and placing it over his heart.

Dick turns his attention to the other contestant. "On my left is Sidney Swift, an attorney from NYC." Sidney is wearing a dark blue, 3 piece suit, his black hair is slicked back and he's wreaking of Michael Jordan cologne.

"What kind of attorney?" asks a disguised Chris Sherherlis. Chris' light blonde hair is tucked under a baseball cap and he's wearing dark sunglasses. Chris is in the square as Jim Peterson, his alias.

"I specialize in business," he explains.

"Oh, I was hoping you were in another area."

None of this is lost on Ray Levoi, FBI agent, whose been studying Chris rather intensely.

"Alright Sidney, chose a square."

"I'll pick the center square with Val Kilmer."

"Val, hello," said Dick, "how are you today?"

"Just fine Val, thanks for asking. A recent survey asked adults ages 18 to 65, how many times a week the average couple had sex."

Suddenly, from the audience, a woman's voice yells, "I'd do it 14 times a week with you Val baby!!!!!!!" People roar and Val blushes a bit. When he recovers, he tilts his head, and scratches his chin as though in deep thought.

Dick continues, "Was the average answer: A, 4 times a week. B, 7 times a week or C, 2 times a week?"

Val takes off his glasses, throws out his arms, stands up, swivels his hips, and in his best Nick Rivers voice sings, "I ain't got nothing but love, babe, eight days a week."

Everyone laughs. Val smiles, sits back down, and puts his glasses on again.

Dick Eveready waites.

"Were they married or unmarried?"

"The survey doesn't say Val."

"Hmmmmmh, unless they're a new couple, I doubt it would be 7 times a week and with people working, even 4 times is tough. So, I'll go with twice a week."

"What do you think, Sidney. Is it only twice a week?"

He scrunches his nose. "That seems a little too infrequent to me, Dick. I disagree."

"It's 4 times a week. Circle gets the square."

Val shrugs. The audience applauds and they break for commercial.

Jim Morrison, whose a little tipsy, is sitting above Batman. He yells down to him, "Hey Caped Crusader! Any chance I could borrow your mask and cape for one of my concerts?"

Batman is offended. He looks up at him.

"The Batsuit is not some cheesy costume, Morrison. It's my battle armor."

Madmartigan chortles and looks down at Batman, "you call that sissy stuff armor?" He stands, glorious in his princely regalia, and proudly holds up his sword. "THIS, is battle armor!"

Morrison leans out and looks toward Madmartigan. "Hey dude, far out. Chicks would love that sword. I could write a song about it, "come on, come on, come on, come on now and cut me baby. Can't you see that I am not afraid....

"Hey Jim, that's great singing," Dick Eveready says. "Maybe it'll be The Doors next number one song?"

"It'll be about facing death. I feel the most alive, confronting death," he murmurs in his soft, sensual voice.

"That's interesting," Dick lies. "Let's move onto a cheerier subject."

"Gertie, you've got to block. Who will you pick next?" asks Dick.

"I'll chose the Caped Cruser, Batman. There's something about a man in black rubber," she muses.

"I'm flattered Ms. Drab, I'll do my best for you," vows the Super Hero.

"Batman, how are you?"

"I'm fine, Dick. It's a pleasure to be here with you and most of these interesting celebrities."

Just then Chris Knight belches, "sorry, it was getting a bit stuffy in here," he smiles, obviously enjoying the attention. "Miss Drab, did you know eating hamburgers can give you enormous breasts?" he winks.

Before she can reply, Dick goes quickly back to Batman.

"Batman, here is your question: In the state of New Mexico there's a place called Carlsbad Caverns. During the second Thursday of August, the town of Carlsbad holds a very special early morning breakfast to mark a momentous occasion. What is it?"

"I know, I know," says an excited Chris Knight waving his arms, "they have everyone dig for moles and trolls, moles and trolls."

"No," says the ever patient host, "Gertrude you may ignore Chris' answer and wait for the reply from Batman."

"Chris is a real genius but I want to hear Batman's reply."

Batman draws himself upright in his seat and in his most serious voice states, "it's all about bats, Gertrude. The caverns are filled with millions of them. People come from all over to see those noble creatures return to the cave after they've been out feeding all night long on insects."

"Well Gertie, Batman says people come to see the bats. And who knows more about bats than the Big Bat himself?"

"That's a lot of bat guano," sniffs Morrison, taking a swig of whiskey from his ever present bottle. "Bat poop to those who don't know," he informs the audience.

Batman ignores Morrison and smiles at Gertrude.

"I'm not sure but I trust Batman, so I'll agree."

People come for the "bat flight breakfast," he's right. X gets the square."

"Thank you, Batman, you're my super hero."

The audience applauds and Batman waves modestly in acknowledgment.

"Sidney, Gertrude is catching up. Which square will you select next, sir?"

"I'll take Colonel John Patterson-"

"Ohhh, me too," purrs Gertrude squirming in her seat.

Sidney ignores the adoring woman.

"Patterson for the block," he finishes.

"Hello John, how are you?"

"I've been longing for Africa all of my life."

"I hope you're enjoying your time here in beautiful California as well?"

He replies with a dazzling smile as Gertie melts all over her desk.

"John, here a question for you: Does a breast fed baby or a bottle fed baby have more bowel movements?"

"And how many babies has he suckled?" roars Madmartigan. He's quite amused by this question, throwing his lengthy mane of stunning black hair over his shoulder.

"I've never suckled any babes but I'll wager I know more about babies than you do-cousin Hilda," he replied, referring to a disguise the warrior once donned to elude a jealous husband. "My beautiful wife Helena breast fed our son and he's a fine lad," he added in his sweet Irish lilting voice. "I'm more familiar with hunting lions, but it takes more courage to change a wee one. The smell is vile," he frowns.

"What's your answer John?"

"I'd say a bottle fed baby goes more."

Sidney shakes his head. "I have no clue but with all the stuff in kid's formulas, maybe it does make them go more. I'll agree."

"Patterson has saved the day, he's correct, circle gets the square."

"Gertie, it's do or die. You must go to Jim Peterson for the block." Chris is more than a little nervous to be chosen, especially with agent Levoi on his left.

"Hey Jim, why the sunglasses?"

"It's very bright in here," he says cautiously, "and I think they look nice."

"Yes indeed," agrees Gertie, "he'd look nice in tight black jeans and a T-Shirt, too."

"Not my style," he quickly retorts.

"Jim, I've got a legal question my friend."

"Really?" Now he's beginning to get even more nervous.

"It's easy, don't sweat it. What word is the same used to describe both the warmth from the sun and a nickname for law enforcement officials?"

Ray Levoi straightens his tie. He knows the answer to that question and is certain "Jim Peterson" knows it too.

"Uh...uh....," he hesitates.

"Take your time."

"They're pigs man, all cops are pigs," shouts Morrison up at Levoi.

"Watch your mouth, Morrison, or you'll be crooning your new songs in the slammer."

"Ray, don't let Jimbo get to you. He's a little over anxious," comforted Dick.

"You mean drunk as a skunk," adds Doc.

"Law enforcement officials put their lives on the line everyday to protect citizens from scum like bank robbers and murders," he said, looking in Peterson's direction.

"Do I have to answer this question?" said Chris. He's sweating now, it's obvious coming on the show was a mistake. "Maybe you could give it to someone else?"

"Sorry, Jim, you have to answer the question or Gertie will forfeit the game and you wouldn't want that, would you?"

"No, I guess not," he admitted.

"What's your response?"

"He.. he.. heat," he whispers.

"I'm sorry, Jim, I didn't hear you."

Chris glances quickly at Ray who is continuing to closely watch him. "It's HEAT," Shiherlis says definitively. With that he rises from his chair and begins to walk downstairs to the studio floor. FBI agent Levoi follows.

"Heat? Yes, I'll agree but where are they going?" asks Gertie.

"The answer is heat and X gets the square," replies Dick. To the contestants amazement, Shiherlis breaks into a full run with Ray in hot pursuit.

"Stop Sheherlis, you're under arrest."

"We'll be right back after this commercial break from Preparation H," smiles Dick Eveready, relived they can go off the air.

After a few boring commercials, it's back to the game. Dick Eveready greets two new stars. "Welcome back. Just wanted to let the audience here and at home know we have two new stars sitting in the Valleywood Squares. Please give a warm Valleywood Squares welcome to Iceman, Tom Kazansky, and Bruno Hauphimfaust(that's pronounced, hop-him-fast).

The audience cheers and applauds.

"Iceman, welcome to our show. It's great to have you here."

Iceman is sexy as hell in his dress whites uniform. He flashes a huge, toothy, grin. "Thanks Dick. Too bad about Jim Peterson, he was a good man."

"He's still a good man," replies Dick.

"That's what I meant," Iceman replies, munching on a few peanuts from a dish on his desk.

"And Bruno, my old friend from Germany. How have you been?"

Bruno smooths his curly blonde locks with his hair, puts down the mirror he used to apply his lipstick and says, "I've been living in the forest in ze nude. Tell me Dick, are you really ever ready? Or are you just teasing me?"

"Still the same old Bruno," he laughs uneasily. "Let's get back to our game. Sidney, it's your move."

"I'm going to chose Bruno."

"He has good taste," Bruno says smugly. "I wonder if he tastes good?"

Ignoring the remark, Dick forges ahead.

"Bruno, here's your question, I hope you like music. Which singer had the hit record, 'Living La Vida Loca?' Was it: Enrique Iglesias, Ricky Martin, or Mark Anthony?"

Bruno starts swaying in his chair, snapping his fingers and singing, "She's into superstition, black cats and voodoo dolls," in his thick German accent.

He smiles "Darling, that's none other than the ultra divine, swivel his hips as much as he wants to, gorgeous Enrique Iglesias."

"I'll agree."

The audience groans.

"Who is it audience?" asks the host. They shout out in unison, "RICKY MARTIN."

"Darn," says Sidney.

"X gets the square. Sorry Sidney."

"Sorry sonny," apologizes Bruno.

Gertrude is delighted.

"I'm going with Jim Morrison for the win."

"Jim, this is important, so listen carefully."

Jim rests his head on his hand, listening as carefully as his drug induced state will allow.

"Jim, you've studied cinema history, so I've got a question for you that I'm sure you can answer."

"You should've given me that musical question man, but hey, go ahead."

"Who wrote, directed and starred in Citizen Kane?"

"Citizen Kane? Let me think. It wasn't Michael Caine, it was some fat dude, I think. Or maybe he got fat later on. Hmmh." Jim is thinking it over while Madmartigan is busy cleaning his sword. Bruno is captivated by him.

"Madmartigan, you have a long and beautiful sword to go with your long and beautiful hair."

Madmartigan isn't pleased.

"Listen, Goldilocks. Keep it up and I'll get my mother in law Queen Bavmorda to put a spell on you," he growls.

"She's too late. I'm already spell bound."

"I'm hit, I'm hit," teases Iceman.

"Were you hit by a laser beam, bozo?" ask Chris Knight of Bruno.

"Gentleman, gentleman, let's give Jim a chance to answer Gertrude's question. It's for the championship." They quiet down.

"Well, Jim, who was it?"

"I think it was Sidney Greenstreet."

"Gertrude, was it Sidney Greenstreet who wrote, directed and starred in Citizen Kane?"

"It was Orson Welles," she smiles, "I disagree."

"Gertrude is correct, it was Orson Welles. X gets the square and the win."

Blaring theme music accompanies the win and there's thunderous applause from the audience as well.

"Gee, Sidney, guess we have to say goodbye. But you won't go empty handed. You'll get a years supply of Preparation H, 6 months of Bran Flakes and 3 months of prune juice so you'll always be regular."

"You're full of s**t!" says an astounded Sidney.

"But you won't be Sidney. Thanks for playing Valleywood Squares."

Sidney is a sore loser and sticks his middle finger up at the stars as he leaves.

"Must be his I.Q.," quips Chris Knight..

Dick turns his attention to Gertrude Drab.

"Gertie, this is what you'll win if you choose the square with the grand prize and answer the question correctly."

"In addition to a years supply of Preparation H, bran flakes , prune juice, and Bat Guano, you'll win an all expenses paid vacation to Paris, France."

The audience ooohs.

"You'll visit the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, cruise down a barge on the River Seine and be treated to a day of beauty at a spa that specializes in high colonics. This marvelous 7 day vacation to Paris, France, plus $2000 dollars in spending money will be all yours if you choose the correct Valleywood Square. Who will you choose Gertie?"

"This is hard, Dick."

"I hope so," laughs Bruno.

"They've been so good to me and they are the handsomest group of men I've ever seen in my life. I just wish I was 40 years younger so I could have them all..."

"Maybe you're the anti-Christ," says Doc.

"There is nothing to fear," states Patterson.

"I'm going to choose Col. John Patterson."

"John, do you have the grand prize? Open the envelope on your desk."

"I have," he tears open the paper and puts his glasses on " a trip to Mexico, complete with a year's supply of native water called Montezuma's Revenge and a lifetime supply of Kaeopectate."

"Oh s**t," sighs Gertie.

"You will," replies Patterson.

"Here the question, John. Name the last movie Val Kilmer starred in. Was it: At First Flight, Dead Planet, The Pimp of Egypt, Joe the Schwing, or Thunderfart. Audience please don't shout out the answers."

Val is trying hard not to laugh but Patterson is dead serious. "Would you repeat those again, please, Dick?"

He does and Patterson says," It was none of them. Val Kilmer never made any movies with those names."

"You're saying it's a trick question?"

"Either that or St. Patrick is a faerie."

"I never considered that," pondered Bruno.

"Do you agree Gertrude? John says it's a trick question."

"Those titles sound familiar but something's not quite right. I agree with John."

"Patterson is correct. Val Kilmer never made any of those films. YOU WIN!!!!!!!!"

Gertie is thrilled and thanks everyone. They give her a Giant Sized bottle of Kaeopectate to sit on her desk and a huge cardboard check for $2000 dollars to display.

Dick goes to Val Kilmer for the final say. "Val, before we bring our show to a conclusion, is there anything in particular you'd like to say?"

He turns his head to the right and then the left and looks straight ahead into the camera and points with his index finger.

"Thanks for watching Valleywood Squares and remember, if it's not on Valleywood, it's not any good. Goodnight everybody."

The camera pulls back with a smiling , waving Val and all his alter egos, waving to the audience and talking to one another.

The End