Abruptly I jerked awake, screaming, like I always did after that dream. I'd been having that dream for four years, at least once a week, and it never changed. The dream first started when I was 22 years old, and broke up our group, Illusion. It was a big, messy breakup that was all my fault after nine years together. When we first got together, we were all 13, except for Elissa, who was 14. The other two members were Kristy and me (Korin). We decided to become a group, chose our name, and started practicing. A couple years later, when we were 15, we released our first album. It went multiple platinum, and our single and its video got us Best Video at the MTV VMAs. We were doing photo shoots, interviews, touring, and just having the best time of our lives, especially when we toured with the Backstreet Boys. That was when I hooked up with AJ, and Kristy hooked up with Brian. Well, Kristy and Brian didn't hook up for another 5 years, they were really close friends up until then, and then they finally admitted they had feelings for each other, and got together, and the rest is history. I think AJ and me would have eventually gotten married, because we dated for 5 years straight, and we had both known for a long time we were in love. Anyway, when we (as in the group) were 21 and 22, things started going to hell. I had just recently turned 21 and was using my new drinking and clubbing abilities to the fullest. I was already pretty mad at Kris and Lissa for going clubbing when they turned 21 (I forgot to mention that I'm the youngest of the group). So I started taking the whole clubbing and drinking thing to an extreme. I was out partying and getting drunk at least six nights a week, usually all seven. And I was, well, how can I put this, a slut. I would get really drunk and sleep with everyone at the party. And this was a regular occurence. Kristy and Lissa disapproved of the way I was behaving, which cause a lot of tension and stress and fighting among all three of us. And beyond that, there was the leadership thing. See, both Kristy and I are the leader type, and it just about kills both of us to have anyone else in charge. So we would fight about who would be in charge, my drinking habits, Kristy poking her nose where it doesn't belong...well, this list could go on forever. Plus, all this tension made Lizzy irritable. So much that she kept threatening to leave the group. Nobody was on speaking terms with anyone anymore. Tears, curses, threats...and always smile for the camera. Sounds great, huh? So one night I got home from a usual night at a party, so drunk I could hardly stand, to find a message from the guy from Entertainment Tonight , asking if I could appear on the show. I grinned evilly, and grabbed the phone. I called him back and said that yes, I'd love to, and that I had some great dirt on my bandmates. Then I fell down and passed out.
When I woke up the next morning, I was hit by the worst hangover I'd ever had. My head was pounding, my mouth was dry and fuzzy, I felt ready to puke, and I decided that if I ever got the energy to get up I would gladly shoot myself. As I laid there in bed, I wondered exactly how many guys I'd slept with the night before. It had been wild fun, I remembered that much. I smiled into the semi-darkness as I remembered the incredible feeling of my first high that hadn't been caused by white-out, and wondered how long it would be until the next party. It wouldn't be short enough, I knew that much.
Suddenly the door banged open.
"Come on, we've got two hours till our next interview!"
Then Kristy took a good look at me.
"Oh no, don't tell me you have another hangover!"
"Alright, I won't tell you," I mumbled into the pillow, and ignored her.
A thought, or rather a memory, was flickering aroudn in my mind. Something she had said...the interview! That's what it was, the interview. I had agreed to do the interview of Entertainment Tonight last night. Should I do it or not? I made my decision. I'd do it. I didn't care much about them anymore, anyway. Suddenly I realized that Kristy was still talking to me.
"...how much did you drink last night? Try any drugs? Let me guess, four guys? Five? How long did you stay there anyway? We left at two."
"Your loss," I said under the blankets, "and it's none of your business, you damn bitch. Now leave me alone."
I don't remember exactly what happened next, but I know the end result of this was a fistfight. Or actually, a half-cat, half-fist fight. Then Lizzy came in with a security guard to break up the fight. We ended up cancelling the interview and spent the rest of the day arguing.
Then another bombshell was dropped on my life. AJ dumped me. I was hurt and betrayed and shocked, and ended up taking it out on Kris and Lissa, making that situation even worse.
He dumped me because of a lot of things. AJ made it no secret that he thought it was my fault. He ditched me mostly because the drinking. He said that I was addicted, that I was an alcoholic. I refused to believe it, but it was true. And I knew it, and it made me bitter because he was right. He said it was also the drugs. I was a dedicated Speed addict by that time, and AJ didn't like it. He said that I wasn't the kind of girl he wanted, that he didn't want the kind of girlfriend that sleeps around and drinks and does drugs and has a seriously messed up life. And I'm not kidding, those were his exact words. And to make it worse, he acted all disappointed and hurt, saying 'I thought you were a good person, but I guess I was wrong'. I cried for weeks after he left me.
Life continued in hell for several months, each fight worse than the last. And each time, I came up with more stories and got more dirt for the ET interview. I was a bitter, angry, and empty woman.
Finally, the day of the interview came. But before the show, I made the mistake of getting drunk. Only moderately, but I was still drunk. So I went on the show for my interview, drunk, and waiting happily for the party that I had arranged at my place for afterwards, while the interview was being released onto national TV. When I went on the set, the people could tell I was drunk, but since they'd already advertised for it and it wasn't gonna be live anyway, they let me do it. I said that Lissa was gay and was always bringing strange girls on the tour bus to make out even though I'd asked her to stop. I said that Kristy was a heroin addict and was always doing drugs around us. I pretended to be reluctant to say it, but I was really eager to. I wanted to hurt them, even though there was no reason to. I was drunk, so I didn't care. My subconscious was screaming at me in some obscure little back corner of my mind, but I ignored it. It felt so good to say those things, to know that I was destroying them with those rumors.
When the interview was over, I went back to my place to get ready for the party. I set everything out, with plenty of booze and drugs, then changed into a sheer black miniskirt (actually a large tube top) and an almost nonexistant matching tube top. I was ready. People started to arrive, among them plenty of hot guys. A little later, about five minutes after the interview aired, I was heading to one of the back bedrooms with a guy when the phone rang. I sighed and headed back to answer it.
"Hello?" I said, slurring lots, and giggled as I felt my guy's hands on my ass and legs.
I jumped about a mile as Kristy's very pissed off voice screamed at me "Who the fuck do you think you are you damn bitch!"
I was getting distracted by my guy, and was just poised to reply that she should call again after the party (for some reason her anger hadn't registered with me- probably the alcohol), when the line suddenly went dead. I turned around to face the guy as he pulled the phone away, my mouth open with shock, and he stuck his tongue in it. And I gave in to him.
Later, we were in the bedroom, door shut but not locked, making out big-time, when suddenly the dorr busted open, with Kristy and Lissa. We were both hella startled by the sudden interruption. I pulled my tongue out of his mouth, vaguely glad they hadn't waited much longer before coming in, because he had already taken his shirt off and was starting to take off mine. But even so, I was not happy. We started screaming at each other, the guy left, and we ended up in a full-scale physical fight. Normally I'd have won, but I was drunk and if we had finished the fight out Kristy would have kicked my ass. About halfway through, Lizzy got us to stop by screaming, because we were stunned by how loud skinny Lizzy could scream. Then Lissa delivered the bombshell. She said that we should split up the group because it was obvious we just weren't getting along. It managed to shock me out of my drunken haze for awhile. I think I set a record for how many guys I slept with that night. I was doing it to make myself feel better, because it was fun, and kept my mind off the group breakup, which I needed to do.