I walked into the kitchen, set my stuff down, and opened the refrigerator. I grabbed a Pepsi and sat down at the table, retreating to my thoughts. Things had been going SO great. I had had the perfect life. And then it was all gone, just like that. By now you know the whole story with the group. But there’s more- what it was like from my point of view. Well, the breakup was Korin’s fault- at least, that’s what we agreed on. Her drinking, drugs, and sleeping around put this indescribable tension between us. She would come home SO late, after she’d had her share of fun that night. Sometimes Kristy and me would be up, but eventually we stopped waiting for her. We stopped caring, basically.
I keep wondering if maybe I should have kept trying, maybe it could have changed something. But every time the only answer I can come up with is that it wouldn’t have done a damned thing. She didn’t want help, so we couldn’t have helped her. Again I found myself thinking about Kristy. I’d heard that her solo career was going really well, but I hadn’t talked to her since the breakup. I picked up the phone and debated whether or not to call her. I still knew her number, but we hadn’t spoken in years. I sighed. Forget it, there was no way. But as much as Korin was a messed up little bitch, I still envied her and Kristy. They at least got boyfriends out of the deal, and I was still pathetically single.
Yes, I was single. 28 and goddamn fucking SINGLE! It didn’t make sense. I had had boyfriends in junior high, and Kristy and Korin didn’t start dating till their freshman year in high school. BUT THEY HAD BOYFRIENDS AND I DIDN’T! Well, Korin didn’t have a boyfriend anymore- AJ had dumped her cause she couldn’t clean up her act. But she had dated him for five years, and they still loved each other, and I just had a feeling they would get back together. And of course, Kristy and Brian had been ‘dating for five years and still going strong’, according the magazine articles I’d read. I’d also heard that from my manager, of course. But, this all didn’t make sense, and I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t have a boyfriend. I had been the ‘really outgoing and flirtatious’ one of the group, yet I was the single one. I dated of course, but it had been years since I had been on a second date with someone. Damn. Everyone says I need to be patient- according to them, ‘there’s someone out there for me, I just need to let them find me’. Everyone also knows that patience is a quality I don’t have.
I had envied them for something else while we were a group, also. The age thing. I liked being the oldest, but I didn’t like the image it gave me. Kristy and Korin had it good, especially Kristy. The youngest is the cute one, stereotypically at least. Korin got compared to Baby Spice though, and that really pissed her off. Also, because she was blond, she got called a ‘female Nick Carter’, which actually made her pretty happy. But it was always fun to tease her about being the baby of the group, until she would say how she was taller and looked older than any of us. And the middle one is always the coolest one, according to the people. But no, I had to live up to the responsible, mature image of the oldest group member instead of acting like the little flirt I was. I hated that part. But the best thing about being oldest was when I turned 21 and could go clubbing and tease them about not being able to. That made them both mad, but it hit Kristy a whole hell of a lot less than it did Korin because Kristy only had about six months to wait and Korin had a whole year. And Korin reminded us of that often, and loudly.
The thought was almost enough to bring a smile to my face. But the smile disappeared as I thought about what came next.
There had been a lot of fighting, mostly between the bitch and Kristy, over everything. I mean, those two always fought a lot, but it had gotten a little out of hand. Actually, a lot out of hand. There was always this persistent tension between all of us, even during the rare times that the bitch was sober. The tension just kept getting worse and worse as the time went by. We would always smile for the camera, always be kind to our fans, always act like we were great friends who loved to sing together. Well, we had been at one point. But all that had changed. Maybe life is about learning to deal with changes, or so I’ve heard, but this was a major one. We started fighting more. Some of the fights became physical. Well, the physical ones were usually between Kristy and Korin, because I’m way too skinny and I would get my ass kicked in a heartbeat. Kristy usually won the fights by a LOT, cause Korin couldn’t fight worth shit when she was drunk. Of course, I don’t think anyone can fight worth shit when they’re drunk. Anyway, so the fights became physical, and we would have to use concealer to still be able to go up on stage. No one knew, except our managers. We led our fans on to believe that everything was going as perfect as it always had before. But, that’s show biz.
I had been relaxing one night, flipping channels, when I heard an announcement for Korin to be on ET after the commercials. I was shocked. ‘No way, she can’t do that without going through our manager!’ was my first thought. I knew in that instant that this was gonna be bad. I watched, and immediately ran over to Kristy’s place. We yelled about it for a minute, Kristy called Korin and found out that she was having a party, and I suggested that we go over and have a little chat with the bitch.
We went over, interrupted her party, then interrupted her and some strange guy while they were making out. We started screaming at each other, and of course Korin was pissed because the guy she was gonna get it on with left to find someone else after we had been fighting for awhile. Kristy and Korin got into a fistfight (again), and Kristy was kicking Korin’s ass (again). This was gonna go on, but I suddenly screamed at the top of my lungs for them to stop. They stopped and stared at me in shock. I’m a really small person, and I don’t think they thought I had the lung capacity to scream that loud. I just wanted it to end. I couldn’t take the fighting anymore. I couldn’t take the screaming. I couldn’t take the tension. It was all too much! The job that I had once loved more than anything in the world was now a hell that I wished I could avoid. I knew Kris and Kori felt the same way. They had too. No one enjoyed this. When it had first started to get bad, I had wanted out. Kristy had always said that I gave up too soon, and that her and Korin never gave up, on various things in life. She said both qualities had good and bad things about them. Well, I wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted to prove that I could tough something out without giving up. I wanted to be strong. So, I decided I would stick around, cause I didn’t wanna seem like a baby who couldn’t handle anything. But it just got worse. I told myself it would all end eventually, and things would be back to normal. Kristy was the optimist of the group- I guess she was rubbing off on me, cause that was her attitude about life. BUT IT DIDN’T END! That night, I knew I couldn’t handle it anymore. I wanted out.
After they had stopped fighting to look at me, I said that it was time to break up. My heart was pounding harder and faster than I thought possible. I was surprised I could actually speak those words. But, I did speak them, and they agreed. We all knew it was time to move on. We had had the best years of our lives together, but it was over. We all wished each other good luck, then Kristy and I left. Since we had come in her car, she gave me a ride home.
We rode in silence. I stared out the window, tears rolling down my cheek. I couldn’t believe it was over. All that, and it was gone. I cried, trying not to make too much noise. I glanced over at Kristy at one point during the ride. She was also silent, staring straight ahead at the road, pretending to concentrate on it, but not really being there. She was fighting back tears; I could tell. But I knew she wouldn’t cry- not with me being there. That’s Kristy. I always sucked at keeping my feelings inside- I just couldn’t do it. Korin was okay at it- she could do it most of the time, but other times she just had to let go. Kristy, of course, was a professional. I’m sure that if you added up all the times in her life she had truly let go of her feelings and cried to someone, you could do it on one hand. But, like I said, that’s Kristy. And I was gonna miss her like hell.
After what seemed like forever, we arrived at my apartment. “Bye, Lissa,” Kristy said softly. I cried more, knowing she had thought up that nickname for me, eight years ago. “Bye, Kristy,” I said weakly as I got out of the car. Kristy drove off in a hurry. I rushed into my apartment, not bothering to lock the door behind me. I ran into the TV room and collapsed on the couch in tears. After crying for a long time, I got up, took a few sleeping pills, and went to bed. After a little while, I felt the familiar drowsiness and drifted off to sleep.