"Oh my god I am so glad to see you," I whispered.
"Me too, Kara," he replied, holding me so tightly I could hardly breathe. "I missed you so much."
We stood like that for a few seconds before finally pulling apart. As soon as I got a look at him I wished I hadn't. He looked terrible. His face was a really unhealthy-looking shade of grey, and his eyes looked hollow. I stared at him for a moment, then hugged him again.
"You look terrible!" I exclaimed.
"Thanks, Kara, I love you too," AJ said dryly.
I laughed.
"I'm sorry, you know I love you, but it's true."
"Yeah, I know," he replied.
We pulled apart and I gave the other guys hugs like I always do when I meet them at the airport. We went and got into the limo. The baggage had already been collected and was in the trunk, so we left right away. It was a fairly long drive, but we talked the whole time so it didn't matter anyway. AJ and I were the first to be dropped off at our apartment. We carried the stuff upstairs (actually I did because AJ was really tired) and just dumped it by the door. We went it and sad down next to each other. After that came an uncomfortable silence. We both had the same thing on our minds, we both knew that the other had the same thing on their mind, and neither one of us wanted to be the first one to mention it. Finally I decided to start the conversation.
"Do you have any details? Like exactly what kind of cancer is this, how would they treat it, how long would treatment take, you know, stuff like that."
My question seemed to take him by surprise.
"Um, leukemia, I don't know how they'll treat it, and I don't how long it will take. And I'm not even that sure if I'm gonna live or not, so what's the point of asking all these stupid, stupid questions?" He had sounded awfully bitter by that last question.
"Don't say that!" I cried, "You are gonna live, and these aren't stupid questions. This is your life we're talking about here, AJ. You have to face this with a positive attitude, or there's no way you'll make it." I forced back tears, not wanting him to see how little I believed my own statement.
"Kara, I know. I want to live, but I'm just not sure if I will. If it's even possible for me to live. I just want to spend whatever time I have with you."
That did. I broke down and started crying. I sobbed in to his arms.
"Oh god, AJ, this isn't happening, this isn't happening."
I wanted to believe it with all my heart. Then at some point I looked up and realized that he was crying, too. I reached up and brushed away a tear from his face.
"I'm sorry, baby. God, I wish this weren't happening! I don't want to see you hurting like this, Kara," he said. sounding like he thought it was his fault.
I almost laughed at the absurdity of that statement. What a thing to say at a time like this! He doesn't want to see me hurting? What about him?
"AJ, don't worry about me. Worry about you. You're the one who has cancer here, not me," I said, knowing that that would do absolutely nothing to make him stop feeling guilty for hurting me.
But that's one of the things we have in common. Neither of us ever worries about ourselves. We both worry about other people and the effects we have on their lives more than our own problems. It can be good and it can be bad. This time it was bad. We cried together for what felt like hours, not speaking, just being there for each other. Finally, we fell asleep.
The next morning I woke up before he did, but I just laid there, waiting for him to wake up. Finally he did, and we went our separate ways, him to a photo shoot and myself to the studio. We met up for lunch and after that we went to the doctor who would be in charge of AJ's medication and stuff while he was at the hospital. He told us about the kinds of treatments and possible alternatives, like bone marrow transplants. We were told that the marrow transplant was a last-ditch option, though, so there was no quick-fix treatment. The treatment would be long, hard, and painful. They decided that AJ would check into hospital in 4 days. But the doctor took me aside a little later and told me that the chances of recovery were practically nothing. I was stunned.
"Ms. McKenzie, the chances of Mr. McLean ever recovering are almost nonexistant. If I am right, he has about 8 months to live, even with full treatment," the doctor said, as casually as though we were discussing his latest golf score.
"No!" I gasped, "That's not possible! 8 months...how can this be happening? He was perfectly fine just a few weeks ago, and now you expect me to believe this ridiculous death sentence? Why didn't you tell him? AJ has the right to know when he's supposed to fucking die!" I was enraged, absolutely furious, and in total, complete, and absolute denial.
"I prefer to leave that decision to the family, friends, or significant other. There's always a chance that he will live, but if her doesn't believe that then there's absolutely no hope whatsoever," the doctor replied calmly.
"Well if what you say is right, there's 'no hope whatsoever' anyway!" I shot back, still shocked and refusing to believe what I was hearing.
"That's up to Mr. McLean and yourself," the doctor replied, still infuriatingly calm.
"Fuck you!" I hissed and ran off to join AJ.
As we were walking out, AJ remarked, "4 days left of normal life, and then I'm locked away."
"AJ, you know-" I began.
"Yeah, I know, it's the only alternative to being dead. But did you ever think, Kara, that I might end up being dead anyway? And I would have gone through all that stuff the doctor described for nothing," he pointed out.
"Well, in the hospital, death is only a maybe. If you don't do it, you'll die for certain. And this way, if you don't make it, you'll at least go down fighting," I replied sharply, trying in vain to push the doctor's words out of my head.
"True, but..." he began.
"AJ, you say you want to live, but I'm starting to wonder. You don't want to do treatment, you refuse to go at this with a positive attitude, and you're ignoring every point I make! Are you just wanting to die or something? Cause that's what it sounds like."
I turned and started to walk away, but he grabbed my arm and turned me around to face him.
"No, I don't want to die. I just want to be prepared for the possibility," he said, then continued with a rueful smile, "but maybe I'm being just a little too prepared."
He looked at me pleadingly.
"Please Kara, don't be mad at me. I'm sorry. This is all just really scary right now, so bear with me, okay?"
He gave me that smile, the one that makes me melt whenever I see it. He could convince me to do anything with that smile.
"Okay."
We did the whole kiss-and-make-up scene and left.
AJ and I decided that no matter what, we were going to make the most of the 4 days he had left before going into the hospital. We wondered what to do, then we found (or rather, Kev found through a friend of his) the perfect solution. Kev's friend had a cabin up in Lake Tahoe, and he wasn't living there at the time, so Kev managed to secure the use of the cabin for a few days, and there we had it: the perfect romantic getaway.
The only problem with it was that most of the stuff we could do there would take lots of energy and strength, both of which AJ was lacking. But we could keep each other occupied, trust me. I was standing out on the deck looking over the lake, when he walked up behind me and put his arms around me.
"How are you feeling?" I asked.
He had been telling me not to worry, but that hadn't exactly stopped me. He sighed.
"I wish you would quit asking me that," he replied, "And I feel fine. Lots of energy," he added sarcastically. "You know the answer, Kara. Why bother asking?"
My sarcastic tone matched his. "Oh, I don't know, AJ. Maybe because I care about you. Don't ask me why I do; there are times I wish I didn't. You haven't given me much reason to lately, anyway." I pulled away from his hug. "Not only don't you want to live, you don't want anyone else to care if you live. You've been pushing people away when they try to help. Not just me, the guys all have been trying to help and you're totally ignoring them! I don't understand it. No one does, and to tell you the truth, you're doing a damn good job of making people not want to understand you."
I turned away, not wanting to see his face. He grabbed me and whirled me around to face him. He was angrier than I'd ever seen him before, and for a moment I pulled away, afraid. Or actually, I tried to pull away. His hold on my arms was tight, and I couldn't break it. I knew that he wouldn't hurt me, but I was too afraid to think about that. All I could think of was how angry he was and how I shouldn't have messed with him. Apparently he could see that, and he loosened his grip slightly.
"You just love pissing people off, don't you?" AJ snarled and turned away.
"Well you know what AJ? It's true. Every single fucking word I said is true. You are pushing everyone away, and it's hurting all your friends who are trying to help you!"
Of course, I forgot to pull away from him before I said that. His grip tightened abruptly, and I yelped.
"Ow! Damnit AJ, you're hurting me!"
"And just what exactly do you think you're doing to me?" he retorted.
"The truth hurts, AJ, but someone's gotta tell it to ya like it is. And if no one else gets up the guts to say it, this is why!" I yelled, indicating our little arguement (little, my ass).
That stopped him for a moment.
"That's not true!" he replied defensively, but with less strength that time.
I recognized my opportunity and seized it.
"AJ, you know it's true. You've just been pulling away from the world. You aren't you anymore."
I turned as was as his still-present grasp on my arms would allow. I looked down the mountain towards the lake and said quietly, half to myself, "I don't know who you are anymore."
I had shocked him, I could tell that because he released me completely. I resisted the impulse to rub my aching arms. I was sure I would have bruises, cause even though he wasn't as strong as usual, he was pretty strong, and he hadn't been playing around.
"It is true, isn't it?" he said, looking dazed, as though he'd been hit by a ton of bricks. Then he looked at me. "Oh my god Kara, I'm so sorry." He embraced me. "I don't know why I was so horrible about that. I bet you're gonna have bruises."
I smiled wryly.
"Yeah, my thoughts exactly."
He took a deep breath.
"You were right, Kara. The truth does hurt. A lot."
"I know. But I had no other, gentler alternative. I tried to tell you before, but you wouldn't listen. I'm sorry, though, that it had to hurt so much." I rubbed the sore spot on my shoulder. "Literally."
He looked really upset.
"I'm sorry, I guess I just lost control. I'm really, really, really sorry."
"No, you only sort-of lost control. Because if you had completely lost control, I would have a helluva lot more than a bruise."
I realized that I was only making him feel worse, so I said, "Why don't we go inside? It's getting really cold."
He smiled wickedly.
"I'll warm you up.
I grinned.
"No problem!"