"What's wrong Kara? I mean yeah this is upsetting, but I still do have a chance. So why are you crying?" His concern almsot melted me.
"I was just thinking about something else."
I felt bad, though, lying to him, even though it wasn't really lying. Unfortunately, he had a way of knowing when I was lying, or even just telling him only part of the truth.
"Right. Do you really think I'm that stupid or are you just hoping that I'll be so busy pitying myself that I won't notice when there's something wrong with you? You aren't very good at hiding things from me, you know that?"
I sighed.
"Damn. And to think that I've been trying so hard all these years for nothing!" I had hoped to change the subject or at least distract him for a few minutes.
It didn't work.
"Kara, I know you're trying to change the subject. It's not working. What's wrong, why are you crying?"
I sighed. I really had no choice but to tell him.
"Okay, fine, I've been trying not to tell you for your own good, but if you want to know..."
"Spit it out, Kara. Now."
He was not happy with me.
"Alright, if you must know. Well, do you remember when we met with the doctor, how he pulled me aside for a moment and talked to me while you were filling out paperwork?" AJ nodded. "He told me something that he hadn't told you, and he left it up to me whether or not to tell you."
"So, what'd he say?" AJ asked when I paused for a breath.
I laughed, despite what I was going to say.
"Impatient, aren't we?" I stopped smiling and continued. "Dr. James said that even with full treatment, he only expects-" I paused and took a big breath, "- he only expects you to live for 8 months, tops. He doesn't think you'll ever fully recover."
Total silence. AJ just stared at me, like he hadn't heard or maybe hadn't understood. It took a few moments to sink in, then he thought about it for a moment, then he responded.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS BEFORE?" he shouted.
"Calm down, AJ. I..." I started to explain, but he cut me off.
"Why?" he said quietly, keeping his anger under control with an obvious effort. "Did you think I didn't have a right to know if - no, when - I'm going to die?"
"AJ, I was going to tell you, I just hadn't figured out how..." I began.
"Six words, Kara, it's not that hard. 'You have 8 months to live' is not a particularly long phrase, it's got now long words, it's easy to pronounce, you could have just said it and gotten over with it," AJ said, furious, "But instead you lied to me, told me I had a reason to live, told me to have a positive attitude when you knew the whole time there is no hope! You bitch!"
"AJ, shut up and let me explain!" I cried. He shut up and I went on. "I had pretty much the same reaction when the doctor told me that, and I was like 'why didn't you tell him, he has a right to know if he's gonna live or die', but the doctor said something that made a lot of sense to me at the time. He said that if you still thought you could live, there was a chance, but if you knew you were gonna die then there was no point in doing anything, cause when you don't think you're gonna make it then you aren't! And that made a lot of sense to me at the time, and it just kept making more and more sense the more I thought about it. After our fight I started thinking about telling you, and I tried, but I couldn't say it. I didn't want to just say 'you have 8 months to live'."
"Well, I'm sure if you had thought about it much you could have come up with a way to tell me," AJ retorted, but he didn't seem angry this time, just hurt.
"I know, AJ, I probably could have, but everything was screwed up enough as it was, and I didn't want to make things worse. I am sorry though, for whatever it's worth."
"Thanks," he replied, "Then what's the point of being in the hospital and going through all that shit, if it's not going to do anything besides make me sick?"
I cursed inwardly. That was exactly the kind of thinking I'd been trying to avoid.
"AJ, you gotta believe there's hope. The doctors have been wrong ebfore, lots of times! They could be wrong this time, too."
I didn't believe it though, and AJ could tell.
"You don't really think so, and neither do I. They've been right a helluva lot more than they've been wrong. I didn't want to do this anyway, I don't think I should do this now," he said, definitely eager to get out of treatment.
"No, AJ, please try. Just give it a try, ok? For me?"
He sighed.
"Alright, I'll do the whole hospital thing, but if nothing happens within 4 months, I'm not staying. I'll be optimistic while I'm there, and I'll actually make an effort, but only for 4 months."
"Alright, but can I ask why? Why won't you do the whole 8 months?" I said, curious.
"Because I don't want to die in the hospital, and if I only have 8 months and spend them all in there, guess where I'm gonna die? If I have to die, I want to die at home, with my friends."
I swallowed hard, forcing back tears.
"Yeah, good point. I'd feel the same way probably."
Although he'd said he'd be optimistic, he didn't sound that way. It sounded as though he'd already resigned himself to the fact that he was going to die.
A few hours later we landed at the airport. Brian, who had the car, met us there and drove us back to our apartment. We had only that night, then, as AJ put it, he was to be 'locked away' as though it was a prison or a mental hospital. I said that, and he started yelling at me. He didn't exactly like the comparison, and almost hit me when I suggested that he didn't like it because it was true (for some reason AJ didn't like hearing the truth. Hmmm, I wonder why...). We enjoyed that one night, though...
"Kara? Are you awake?" AJ murmured at what I could have sworn was two in the morning, until he informed me that it was 7:30.
"I wasn't until you woke me up," I retorted, and rolled over to go back to sleep.
He draped his arm over my side.
"You've gotta wake up sometime."
"Now is not a good time, trust me. Try again tomorrow morning, maybe I'll be awake by then."
He was being persistant and annoying, but I didn't want to snap at him.
"Sorry, I won't be here tomorrow morning, I'll be in the hospital being tortured. Which is why I was trying to wake you up. You're supposed to drive me there this morning."
That woke me up.
"What, you're suddenly so eager to be locked away? I thought you'd try to stall all day."
"Call it a sudden urge to live. I don't know. But the sooner I get there, the sooner I get out, right?" He paused. "One way or another."
"Yeah, good point, except I don't have to get up for another half hour. And I'm not going to if I can help it."
I was extremely tired and I didn't feel like getting up and facing the world.
"Ooh, somebody woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning," he teased.
"I wouldn't have if I'd woken up on my own," I replied, "Are you just determined to deprive me of my last half hour of sleep or what?"
He thought about it for a moment, then replied, "Yep!"
"And I was hoping this was a dream. Damn. Alright, I might as well get up now then."
The drive to the hospital was long and very quiet. There was a lot of tension in the air, like a fight waiting to happen. But since neither of us spoke, we didn't fight. When I finally pulled into a parking space right next to the entrance and turned off the car, he didn't move. I didn't either. We just sat and stared at each other for a minute, knowing that we needed to say something, but not knowing what.
"Well, this is it," AJ said solemnly, "the end of my life as I know it."
"Yeah," was all I could think of to say, "my life too, actually. Not nearly as much, but still way different."
"Well, let's go."
We entered the building and AJ checked in at the front desk. He got his room number and stuff like that, and we went there. It was nice, but it didn't look like a very fun place to spend a few months in. At least AJ doesn't have a fear of hospitals, I thought. He put his stuff in a cabinet and turned to me. It was an awkward moment, neither of us wanting to say goodbye, but knowing that we had to.
I turned away and took a deep breath.
"Well, I'll come back and see ya this evening, okay?"
AJ swallowed hard.
"Yeah. So I'll see you then."
I turned to leave, but he pulled me into his arms and kissed me. We kissed for almost two full minutes, only pulling away when the doctor entered.
"Um, listen, I gotta go now. I've got an interview in 30 minutes," I lied.
I actually did have an interview, but I had no intentions of going to it. I didn't give AJ time to say anything, just walked out.
I drove home slowly, forcing back tears the entire way. The place seemed so empty and lonely without AJ there to brighten it. I walked over to the phone, called the interviewer, and told him that I wouldn't be coming. He wanted to know why, so I hung up on him. I had thought I had no more tears to cry. I was wrong. I ran to my room and collapsed on the bed that AJ and I had shared. I could almost feel his presence there with me. I laid there and cried and cried and cried.