"Are you okay?" I asked him, worried.
He'd never been that upset before.
He stopped pacing.
"I was just thinking of how damned hopeless this is. The first treatment didn't work, the transplant didn't work, nothing's working! Why can't I just go home and die in peace?" he sounded distraught.
I stopped. I had been subconsciously expecting something like this for a long time, but I wasn't ready to deal with it. Not like this, anyway. I took a deep breath, wondering what to say. "But if you do…shit!" I cried, knowing that there was really no good reason that I could give him. I sighed. "Because I love you, and I don't want you to give up. I want you to keep fighting. Please, AJ" I begged him.
"But if this isn't gonna work, then what's the point in continuing the struggle? There isn't one. I love you, but this isn't something I can fight my way out of. I'm not staying here."
I opened my mouth to protest, then stopped myself. It wouldn't do anything but aggravate him and cause a fight. And that wasn't something I wanted. "At least you don't want to commit suicide" I muttered, not realizing that I'd spoken aloud.
AJ laughed bitterly. "Do you know how many times I've thought about it? Planned it, decided to try it? But every time I made up my mind to die, you stopped me."
I was startled, to say the least.
"I didn't even know, how could I have stopped you? If I'd known I would have, but I didn't."
"Because you were always there. You would even come between appointments! That reminded me of how much you cared, and I couldn't let you down. And besides, you looked upset enough already; I couldn't add to that."
"And you really think that just giving up and waiting to die isn't letting me down?" I snapped.
"In a way, but much less that committing suicide would have. At least this way it's a natural death" AJ said mockingly.
"No, it's not," I cried. "It's not natural that you, only 22 years old, with so much left to do, with the wonderful life you had, got cancer! It's not natural that you're going to die now, before so many things happen! It just isn't right" I finished. I went and hugged him. "Why did it have to happen to you?"
He sighed.
"I don't know, Kara, I just don't know. There isn't any reason to who gets sick, I guess. I'm sorry. This is so frustrating! Damnit, and there's nothing anyone can do about it anymore."
I swallowed hard and decided that it was time to accept the inevitable.
"I know. Believe me, I know."
We talked for a while longer and agreed that it would be better for everyone if AJ came home. I would be glad to have him around and he would be glad to leave the hospital. The guys weren't happy about it, but they agreed with me that we just kinda had to accept what was gonna happen. So he checked out of the hospital again and came home to die.
It was the hardest time of my life, having to sit and watch AJ, the man I loved, dying slowly. But whenever it got too bad, I would just console myself with the fact that he wasn't in pain anymore. He was just fading away. Days and weeks went by, slowly. One day I walked in after a light day of work (I hadn't been doing too much recently so I could be with him more and more) and he seemed suddenly much worse. AJ was so weak he could hardly even move, and it panicked me. I felt suddenly like all the time we'd spent together wasn't enough, that the end was coming too soon, and that I wanted just a few more days. I prayed and prayed, but it didn't seem to help. I spoke to a doctor once, and he said that from what I'd told him, AJ had a few days left at most. I immediately cancelled all of the stuff I'd scheduled for about a week so I wouldn't leave AJ alone. Every day, the end seemed to come nearer and nearer. Then, practically out of nowhere, the bomb dropped. It was about 11:00 AM, and AJ had collapsed and gone into a coma. I called all the guys and they came over immediately. It was a tense few days, with us all staying with him 24/7, and I never left his side once. On day 3, he awoke.
"Kara? Guys? What are you all doing here?" He asked groggily, obviously not fully awake.
I choked up. I could hardly breathe, much less talk.
"You've been out for 3 days now. We've been here waitin' for you to wake up." Howie said gently.
"Baby? You all right?" He asked.
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, I thought.
"Yeah."
He seemed to lose consciousness again, but only for a few seconds. Then he opened his eyes again.
"I love you, Kara." He whispered with an effort.
My heart nearly stopped.
"No, AJ!" I cried, holding him close. "Don't leave me, AJ, please. I need you!"
I closed my eyes for a moment, leaning against him and trying not to cry. I didn't make it for long. Soon tears were flowing down my face as I clutched his hand tightly.
"No, please, AJ, don't die. You can't leave me." I sobbed.
"I'm sorry, Kara. I have to. I don't want to but I don't have any control."
Then he slowly turned to the other guys and Kristy, who was standing close to Brian. *ON (Owner's Note): She mentioned me! Korin mentioned me! I'm so flattered! :::sniff, sniff::: lol hehe ---Kristy:)* "Bye, guys. I'll miss ya all."
"We'll miss you too." Howie said, putting his hand on AJ's shoulder.
The other guys echoed similar thoughts.
AJ looked at Kevin.
"Take care of Kara for me, willya?"
Kevin swallowed hard and glanced at me.
"Sure, no problem."
He turned back to me. I had a sudden inexplicable feeling that it was time, and these were to be his last words.
"Kara, I'll be watching over you. I love you, sweetie. And," he was struggling to speak, "I want you to move on after I'm gone, okay? Don't spend your whole life grieving."
I was breathing hard.
"Please, AJ, stay with me, just a little while longer," my voice trailed off.
It was useless and I knew it.
AJ touched my face and smiled a ghost of the smile I had loved so well.
"Goodbye, Kara. I," he paused and tried to breathe, "I love you."
"I love you too, AJ." I whispered.
Slowly his hand went limp in mine. He was gone.
AJ was dead.