That's Just The Way It Goes
This story was written by me (Kristy!):)
I can still feel his arms around me. I can still see the way he looked that last night. But he's gone. So it doesn't matter. But I still love him. And I still remember.
I remember the entire relationship. Every smile, every tear. All the nights he held me close as I cried. And all the times we laughed together. But now he's gone. And it's all my fault. When I broke up with him, I lost the best thing that had ever happened to me.
I guess a little explaining is necessary. So here I go. Brian and I dated for about 6 1/2 months. And those were the best 6 1/2 months of my life. Of course, me being the idiot I am, I dumped him. Stupid, huh?
But before I tell you more about the relationship, there's one thing I have to explain first. See, I was raped a little while ago. I was on a date with a guy I had just met the week before. It was our first date. The date had been going pretty well. I didn't think he was someone I would have a long-term relationship with, but at least I wouldn't have to be alone on Valentine's Day that year. The guy took me home after dinner and a movie. At the door he kissed me softly and asked if he could come in for a second. I didn't want to say no, so I let him in. Mistake #1. I left him in the TV room and went into the kitchen to get us something to drink. Then I heard him calling me. I asked where he was, and he said he was in my bedroom. I didn't know why he was there, but I went it anyway. Mistake #2. Before I knew what was happening, he had locked the door and was on top of me trying to get my clothes off. I kept telling him no, yelling at him to stop. But it didn't do me any good. He was a lot stronger than me, and there was nothing I could do. I was helpless. Totally, completely, helpless. When he was done, he just left. I laid in my bed for what must have been hours. At first I was in too much shock to even move. But then I started crying. I cried and cried and cried and eventually I fell asleep. The next morning I awoke, and the whole thing seemed like a bad dream. But I knew it wasn't. Still, I tried to make it seem that way. So I just placed it in the back of my head and tried to forget it. But I didn't forget it. It just slowly ate me up inside. I had always tried to act happy when I was depressed. I always hid my feelings. I never told anyone what I was really feeling. I learned at an early age that if you tell someone you're feeling sad, depressed, etc, you put yourself at risk, because then you're exposed. I never wanted to put my feelings in someone else's hands. I'm too much of a stubborn control-freak to do that. So I didn't tell anyone about this. Not even Lei and Bernie, which is really unusual. They're my two very best friends- for what seems like forever, people have always been like "oh yeah, Jessalyn, Leila, and Bernice, those three are the best of friends". And I usually tell them almost everything. But I didn't. I know they knew there was something wrong, because I was different. They didn't know why or how, but they knew I was different. Yet I still didn't tell. As time went by, I slowly lost more and more of myself. And there was only one person who could help me get back what I had lost. That's where Brian comes into the story.
I was a total wreck when I first met him. No physically, emotionally. Physically, I was the happy, healthy person I had always been. Emotionally, I was in unbearable pain. Well, anyway, here's how we met. Leila and I have always loved basketball. Bernice does too, but she was busy that particular night. So Leila and I were going to see a Magic home game, since we live in Orlando. My dad had a few connections with the NBA through his business, so he managed to get us courtside seats. Which also included plaza club access. I was in line to get us something to eat in the plaza club area when I felt someone get pushed into my back.
"Nick, you're gonna get it!" said a voice with an adorable drawl. I turned around and came face to face with the finest guy I had ever seen in my life. He looked really familiar, but I couldn't figure out where I had seen him. He had four other friends with him, but I wasn't really looking at them.
"Sorry bout that," he said with a smile that made my insides melt.
"That's okay," I somehow managed to say.
"So, are you here by yourself?" he asked.
"No, I'm with my friend Leila," I said, gesturing to the table where she was sitting.
"Where are your seats?" he asked.
"Row AA, Seats 3 and 4. Courtside." I answered.
"For reals? Your seats are right next to ours!" Brian said.
"Really! That's cool." I replied.
At that point I had reached the front of the line, so I bought food for me and Lei.
"See you in a little while," I said to Brian as I walked off to the table.
"Were you just talking to the Backstreet Boys?" Leila asked me as soon as I got there.
"OH MY GOD! That's why he looked so familiar! I can't believe I didn't recognize them! Today was a busy day at work, so I guess I'm really tired," I said.
"I can't believe you were talking to BSB! This is so cool!" Leila said.
"Yeah, and that's not the end of it. They're sitting next to us!"
We both started freaking out quietly. After we finished our food we went to our seats. Sure enough, the Backstreet Boys were sitting next to them. Brian was at the end closest to our seats. Next to him was Nick, AJ, Howie, and Kevin. The guys saw us coming and Brian motioned for me to sit next to him. "Go Brian!" AJ said teasingly and Brian hit him (Think T-Fest....inside joke, but Korin knows what I'm talking about!:)).
Then Brian turned to me. We chatted for awhile and then the game started. It was a great game, and the Magic won. Brian and I talked during timeouts and at the half ans stuff. It was actually the most fun I'd had since the rape. I really forgot about that whole night and just enjoyed myself in the company of a really great guy. After the game was over, Brian asked me for my number (with plenty more "Go Brian"s in the background). I gave it to him of course, and he gave me his. Then we said good-bye, but I knew it wasn't for good. I was right.
The next day, the phone rang. I was working on some stuff for my job (I'm a graphic designer). Bernice answered it, but she didn't know who it was, since she hadn't been at the game. I grabbed the phone from her before she could start asking him questions. So Bernie went to go bug Lei for info and I took the phone into another room.
"Hey Jessalyn, how are you doing?"
I almost melted at the sound of his voice.
"Hey. Pretty good. What about you?"
"I'm also pretty good. Hey look, I know this is short notice, but the group has to go to this Jive party thing tonight, and I was wondering if you would go with me."
I couldn't speak. I couldn't believe he wanted me to go with him, out of all the celebrities he could have chosen to come with him. Finally, I regained my voice.
"Sure, I'll go with you," I said.
"Great! Ok, now I've gone from feeling pretty good to feeling great. I'll pick you up about a quarter to eight, ok?"
I told him where I lived, and then we hung up. The second I hung up the phone, I ran to my closet screaming at the top of my lungs to Leila and Bernice. They ran into my room to see what Brian had said (Lei had filled Bernie in while I was on the phone). I gave them the details while they helped me select an outfit. I finally chose a green miniskirt, a white dressy camisole, and a sheer thing with little green velour designs all over it to put over the camisole. At about 6:30 I started getting ready. At almost exactly 7:45 the doorbell rang. I waited about 30 seconds (so not to look too eager) and then I opened the door. Brian's mouth practically dropped to the floor when he saw me. After staring for a few minutes, he spoke.
"Wow, you look great."
"Thanks, so do you." I replied with a smile.
He did, too, he was wearing a suit and looked REALLY good in it. I grabbed my little dressy purse and we left. The party was cool. It was basically a whole night of socializing, which I enjoy. After the party, Brian and I walked out to his car. It was only about 11:30, so he asked me if I wanted to go for a drive before he took me home. I said yes, so we got into the car and drove around Orlando for awhile. We talked for a long time and learned a lot about each other. It was a totally amazing night. He took me home at about 1:00 AM. He walked me to the door and I told him I had had a wonderful time. He said he had also, and that he would call me the next day. Then he kissed me. It wasn't a long or passionate kiss or anything. It was just soft and gentle- a perfect end to a perfect night. As soon as I had closed the door, I leaned against it and relived the night. It had been totally incredible. After standing there for like 20 minutes, I finally went to bed. After all, I didn't want to sound tired when he called the next day.
Brian and I went out again the next Saturday night. This time we went out to dinner and then watched a movie at his place. After the movie, we just sat on the couch and talked for awhile. Then I did something that was totally not like me. I don't know why, but something just clicked and I knew that I could trust him. So I told him about the rape. I don't know what happened, it just spilled out. I can't believe I told him all that on our 2nd date, and I had known Bernice since we were 5 and Leila since we were 12 and I hadn't even told them. But I felt better afterwards. I really did. When I was done telling him everything he put his arm around me. I started crying, and he just held me. I cried into his chest for what seemed like hours. When I was done, I looked up and saw that his shirt was now wet with my tears.
"Sorry I soaked your shirt," I said.
"That's okay, I don't mind."
He smiled at me.
"I can't believe I just told you all that. I haven't told anyone. But I guess I just feel like I can trust you."
"Well, you can trust me. You'll see that in time. And you probably should have told someone but I'm not going to lecture you about that. I'm just glad you feel like you can trust me cause I like you a lot."
"I like you a lot too."
We both stood up and started walking towards the door.
"Thanks, Brian," I said when we got there.
"For what?" he asked.
"For listening. And just being there. That means a lot to me."
"Anytime. So I'm assuming this means you want to take this relationship slow?"
"Yes."
"Ok, that's fine with me. But can I still kiss you goodnight?"
I didn't reply, I just brought my lips up to his. We kissed again, and it was wonderful again. And as I was leaving, I realized that I was starting to get back some of what I had lost.
It was a long journey, but with Brian's help, I became myself again. I was happy again. And I was totally completely in love with Brian. I told Lei and Bernie about what had happened soon after I told Brian. They were a little upset, but they understood, so they weren't mad at me. And they were glad I'd met Brian because they had never seen me that happy before. Trust me, I am NOT a pleasant person to live with when I'm in a bad mood. I was back to myself. All thanks to Brian.
So I bet your wondering why I broke up with him. Good question. If you've ever heard 'The Hardest Thing' by 98 Degrees, you might understand. It was a lot like that. Breaking up with him really was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do in my whole life, because I really did still love him. And I still do. He's still the number one guy in my heart, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get over him. But back to the breakup. Why did I do it? I guess I was scared. I was really truly falling for him. And I was finding it really hard to trust guys after the rape. I trusted Brian, but I was just really, really scared. I didn't want to get hurt again. And I was putting my heart right on the line and I was scared to death it would get trampled. So I broke up with him. After I decided I was going to do it, I called him and asked him to come over. He did, and he was genuinely happy to see me. But when he kissed me, he knew something was wrong.
"Jess, what's up with you? What's wrong?"
I sighed.
"Brian, look, I don't know how to say this."
My heart was pounding at a rapid speed.
"Oh god," he said. He knew what I was going to say.
"Look, I just can't do this right now. I'm-I'm not ready. It's really truly not you, I swear," I said, trembling.
He just looked at me blankly.
"Please say something," I whispered after a few minutes.
"I thought you loved me," he said hurtfully.
Those words have echoed in my mind ever since.
"I do..." I replied.
He just sighed and left my apartment.
That was the last time I saw him. It's been 4 months, and I'm still not over him. I really love him. I would do anything at all to be in his arms again. Anything. But he's gone. So I guess that's just the way it goes.
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