Oreo Sprout here. I've brought you my first creation- Do's and don'ts as well as my own suggestions. Yesh, well worth reading . . . .
DO Ignore the narcissistic wailings of Justin Timberlake every now and then- it will help to control his massive ego
DON'T Waste all your hard-earned allowance on the kid. As it may seem, he's getting rich while you foolishly grovel upon his feet and pay homage to his pinky finger. Next thing you know, you'll be making pilgrimages over to Orlando just to see his house
DO Give Joey a little credit- after all he is still in the group, and he does get some of your money also
DON'T Participate in explicit acts of debauchery with the man. You will end up either diagnosed with aids or pregnant with his alien child, your face plastered all over the tabloids along with the headline, "Joey's latest whore is a bisexual!" or something like that. It's not a pretty life succumbing to the come-hither stares of the Italian Stallion himself.
DO Buy a magazine every now and then, and if you have the ugre to splurge, a CD.
DON'T Spend thousands of dollars and three years of your pathetic life worshipping idols who sing and act as if the world should revolve around Justin's penis. Sooner or later you will come to terms with the fact that all they are looking for is a good lay.
DO Have a little variety in your music tastes. People will start to regard you as a freak if all you listen to is bubblegum pop crap. Throw in a little Korn and Bob Dylan and Gregorian chants. It will do you good.
DON'T Beat up any other girl who happens to dislike Kevin or Howie or What's-his-face Carter. It's not her fault if she's got good taste and a life, to boot. You will only be thrown in jail and the onlything to keep you sane are the little Backstreet Boys bandanas you happened to snatch from your dog as they dragged you out.
DO Listen to other people's opinions and ideas. After all, they've all got interesting things to say.
DON'T Subject yourself to forever don the color baby blue or purchase North Carolina gear, even if you're from UCLA, just because the god almighty Justin happens to say so. After all, you don't want to get lost in the sea of baby blue. Instead, I suggest you go gothic.It's a beautiful thing, and will get you a hell of a lot more attention if you do. How many people have you heard say, "Look! It's a grl wearing baby blue!" or "Oh, oh! It's a girl sporting a FUBU jersey!" Not many, I bet. You'll get noticed more if you wear black lipstick and paint your face white as ash. Didn't Justin used to go for Britney, anyway?
DON'T Listen to such hypocrites as I who have just noticed that even though I still warn all of you to stray from the sacred color of baby blue, I am writing this in the very same color. Not only am I scarred for life, but I will have to go around typing in this color and people accusing me of worshipping Justin's earwax while I really do worship goat cheese.
DO Worship goat cheese. It will be quality use of your time as well as a hell of a lot cheaper to maintain as a hobby. After all, it's so damn fascinating and time absorbing compared to wating three hours in line to get concert tickets in section 46875.
DON'T Spend three hours of your time waiting in a line at the local Tower Records store just to get concert tickets. Unless, like me, you buy tickets and scalp them off, which of course, is highly excusable in that case. Nonetheless, it's still an incredible waste of time and a massacre to your precious Backstreet boys wallet. So what if you're able to recieve drops of What's-his-face Carter's sweat from the front row? That's disgusting and you do have a 10% chance of contracting a disease if he's got an open cut from dodging all you fanatic boppers. But if you don't mind, at least you'll be able to gush to all your curious friends, "I contracted AIDS from Nick Carter!" **Swoon**
DO Go to a concert every now and then.Contrary to my previous statement, I think it's quite a learning experience at what you should never become. It's also a grand opportunity to scorn at the other pathetic fans who think that once they're seen wearing baby blue, they are forever to become Justin Timberlake's soulmate. Oh, and when I say go to a concert, I don't necessarily mean a boyband concert. Wait until the German Polka troupe comes prancing into your town. Then you can readily stand in line for your tickets.
DON'T Waste your money on idiotic merchandise. I can't think of any way I can stress this more. Do you ever see Marilyn Manson yo-yos? Or how about for instance a Monster Magnet magnet? Not only will you be ridiculed, you'll also find that in ten years it will make a better doorstop than boyband memorabilia, anyhow. So unless you're steaming rich and can afford to waste your allowance in order to make the man of your dreams even more untouchable and wealthy, save your money for something else, like a book of spells and a life supply of goat cheese.
DO Read magazine articles about your favorite boyband or whatever. Who knows, maybe someday they'll end up in the latest issue of Playgirl, eh? You may even find Nick Carter and/or Lance Bass posing for Mademoiselle or Penthouse one day, you'll never know! It's a good idea to steal them from your dad/uncle/little brother, but do that in private, lest they begin to mistaken you for a raging bisexual.
DON'T Spend any of your hard earned allowance buying imported CDs, unless truly necessary. Chances are, the only new song you'll hear is the Swedish dance version of "Slam Dunk da Funk". They're expensive anyhow, and unless you are willing to learn the language of the Scandinavians just to hear Scott sing, "I want to fuck you right now, baby", I wouldn't take my chances. And the Euro 'N Sync CD? You can download illegal MP3s. "Riddle" is a stupid-ass song anyhow, and you can buy the bootleg copies from South Central Los Angeles.
DO Remember to floss. JC is a perfect example of what a lack of flossing can do to you. Teeth are very precious things. Don't risk them.
DON'T Try to make buddy-buddy with bodyguards at concerts. They know what you're up to, and making sexual innuendos at the poor men won't help either. They can't get you backstage passes; hell they can't even talk to anyone backstage. The whole basis of their job is to stop psychopathetic people like you from ruining Justin's hair. Chances are, it's probably happened to them way more than once. All they'll see you as are slutty scheming,annoying little brats who would kill for an up close glimpse of Nick Lachey's nipples. (Who wouldn't)
DO Brush your hair. Once again, Chris Kirkpatrick is a perfect example of what a lack of brushing can do to you. Hair is good. You'll miss it when it's gone.
DON'T Frequent chatrooms as a pathetic poser who "really is that guy from... Backstreet Boys!" It's stupid, and you'll have equally stupid and gullible people filling your mailbox with wedding proposals and whatnot. Unless you're ready to take on a plethora of mentally incapacitated schoolgirls hitting on you and asking you questions you probably don't know (unless you're about as big a fan as them- heaven forbid), I suggest you don't do it. It's an utter waste of time.
DO Come back for more of Oreo Sprout's wonderful advice. In fact, if any of you feel the need to seek my wise words, feel free to write me. Kind of like a "Dear Oreo Sprout" column. I'll post up details later.