Lancerella

The Characters

~: NOTE: This will only make sense if you've seen the Disney version of "Cinderella" :~

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful girl named Lancerella. She lived with her evil stepmother JC and stepsisters Ritchie and Howie. They were always putting her to work; cleaning out Ritchie and Howie’s beds, scrubbing the kitchen floors, grocery shopping, etc. Lancerella was under a great deal of stress all the time. JC, Howie, and Ritchie never let her have a moment to herself. She was never allowed to go out, except to buy JC’s weekly vat of gel, Ritchie’s viagra, and Howie’s edible underwear, so Lancerella only had friends that lived in the house- mice, horses, and dogs. Every day she would dream of a much better life. She would dream . . .

*“A dream is a wish your heart makes” plays in the background while Lancerella is asleep in her bed*

*Bells ring in the background while a bunch of birds with silly caps ontheir heads fly into her room, pecking at her face and trying to wake her up*

Chris the mouse: Lancerelly! Wake up Lancerelly!

Lancerella: Oh my! Did I oversleep? *Hears annoying bells in the background* I’m up, dammit, I’m up

Drew: Morning Lancerelly! Did you have another dream last night?

Lancerella: Oh yes! It was a wonderful dream.

Chris, Brian, Drew and all the birds: Tell us, Lancerelly! Tell us!

Lancerella: Oh but I can’t! Or else it won’t come true!

Drew: Why is that Lancerelly?

Lancerella: Because *Clears throat* A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you’re fast asleep . . .

Brian: Not that damn “Dream is a wish your heart makes” song again

**An hour later**

Chris: Lancerelly! Lancerelly! It’s a mouse! Stuck in a mouse trap!

Lancerella: Oh dear! Wait! Let me get out some little mouse clothes so that I can dress it up and make it look gay like the rest of you!

Chris and Brian: . . . .. . . …?

Lancerella: Never mind

**They rush down the stairs**

Joey: **In a stupid squeaky voice** Help me!

Drew: Umm, the cage is open you dipshit

Joey: Help me! Help me! Help- Oh what? It’s open? Oh . . .

Lancerella: Don’t worry. I’m your friend!

Joey: **Looking over Lancerella** Really? Well *clears throat* Hows about you an’ me get down and-

Brian: You IDIOT! Lancerella’s about 10 times your size!

Joey: Well, I-

Lancerella: **sniffles** I’m not THAT fat!

Drew: Whatever. Now ain’t you supposed to be dressing up that fat mouse in gay clothing?

Lancerella: Oh yes, that’s right. . . . Oh dear, it looks like your shirt is much too small

Joey: You know where your shirt would look best? On the floor of my-

Chris: Enough is enough! What’s your name, anyway?

Joey: **Tries to read script** J-J-Jo-Jooo- . . . .

Drew: **Reads script** It’s Joey, Chris

Chris: Okay, well, Joey, Lay off of Lancerelly, okay!

Joey: **Sniff** Got a twinkie?

Brian: Oh brother

**In the background** LANCERELLAAAAAAAA!

Lancerella: **sighs** Oh dear **Walks away**

Drew: We’ve got a lot to teach you Joey

Joey: Like what? **Bumps into wall**

Brian: Like where the walls are, you dumbass

Joey: Oh. Let’s find some food!

Drew: NO! AJ the cat might be there!

Joey: Who’s AJ the cat?

Chris: AJ the cat is a meeeaaaan feller. Creeeeeepy.

Joey: Aww, I ain’t afraid of ol’ AJ. I’ll sit on him if I have to!

Drew: He’s also got a coke problem

Joey: I oughta-

Chris and Drew and Brian: Shhh! Here he comes now!

**AJ walks by, an evil look on his face**

Joey: Aww he ain’t so tough! I’ll give him a- oof! **Bumps into another wall**

Brian: **Shakes his head** You’ve got SO much to learn

MEANWHILE . . .

JC: LANCERELLA!

Lancerella: Yes JC

JC: Lancerella, you were supposed to have cleaned the kitchen, swept the floors, washed my Jeep, and fed my fish

Lancerella: But I DID, JC!

JC: Well it’s not PERFECT enough for me, Lancerella! Do it all over again and make sure you do it PERFECT this time! I saw a SPOT on my Jeep!

Lancerella: **mutters** Screw you

JC: What was that I heard?

Lancerella: Whatever you say I will do

JC: Good girl

Lancerella: **walks out of the room and proceeds to do what JC has told her to do**

So Lancerella washes JC’s Jeep, cleans the kitchen, sweeps the floor, and feeds the stupid animals. She is scrubbing the main floor of the house when she hears a doorbell . . . .

Justin: Yo wut up mah sista!

J: We be da king’s dukes yo, and we gots dis message for y’all

Justin: Da king be havin’ a fly ball, yo

J: And all da fiiiiiine honeys be cruisin up to da palace, aiight?

Justin: Here’s da 411, yo

J: Word up, da king be lookin’ for a fly bitch to get jiggy wit da prince

Justin: And he be lookin’ to hook da prince Nick up with a honey at da ball

J: So you best be bouncin over aiight?

Lancerella: Umm, okay

J and Justin: Peace and we’re out

Lancerella: **Shaking her head** What a strange bunch of boys . . . cute though. I’ll have to deliver this to JC right away

Upstairs JC is tutoring Howie and Ritchie in their music lessons

JC: Alright, now this must be PERFECT. *Ahem* 1 . . .2 . . .3 . . .4

Howie: I don’t have **wink** a fancy car **drooooool**; to get to you, I’d **wink** walk a thousand miles **droooooool**

Ritchie: Baby it’s not the way I feel **freaky facial expression**; give me a chance to prove I’m real **Clenches hands and looks constipated**

JC: Good, good. That was better this time. Now on three, I’ll play the piano, and- **knock, knock** Who the hell is that?

Lancerella: It’s me

JC: Did you finish all your chores?

Lancerella: Yes

JC: Good. Now go away.

Lancerella: But I’ve got a letter from the king

Ritchie: The king? Ooooh! **grabs for the paper**

Howie: Let me **wink** see! **grabs the paper and drools**

**They tear the paper in two**

JC: Now look what you’ve done Lancerella!

Howie and Ritchie read: “The king is holding a ball tomorrow night at the palace. All eligible maids are invited.”

Howie: Well I’m eligible

Ritchie: Oh you’re an ugly *Freaky facial expression* troll!

Howie: **wink”” No I’m **drool** not!

Lancerella: Oh how I’d love to go to the ball!

**Howie and Ritchie stop arguing and burst into laughter**

Ritchie: YOU? Ha ha ha ha ha

Howie: The prince would never dance with a servant!

JC: Well, Lancerella if you really want to go, you can

Howie and Ritchie: Wha-?!

Lancerella: Oh really? Oh thank you JC!

JC: -if you finish all your chores and find your own dress . . . and bleach your hair, the roots are starting to show again

Lancerella: Oh thank you! **Walks out of the room**

Howie: What the hell did you do that for?

Ritchie: Yeah she can’t go to the ball!

JC: I said IF didn’t I?

**Ritchie and Howie laugh evilly**

Lancerella: **Is dancing around sticking up her index and pinkie fingers**[Lance always does this] Woo hoo!

Chris: Lacnerelly! Lancerelly! What’s going on?

Lancerella: I’m going to the ball!

Joey: Will there be food there?

All:………….

Drew: Wowee Lancerelly! That’s great!

Lancerella: Yes. And I just have to do chores and find myself a dress **Pulls out a book** Won’t that look lovely?

Brian: Actually, it looks like a piece of shit to me

JC, Ritchie, and Howie: LANCERELLAAAAAAAAA!

Lancerella: Oh dear **walks out of the room**

Joey: Poor Lancerelly. Work work work.

Brian: Yeah. They’re a bunch of asses aren’t they?

Drew: You bet

Chris: We should help Lancerelly out

All: How?

Chris: Let’s make her a dress!

Brian: How the fuck could we do that?

Joey: Let’s buy her one

Drew: **smacks himself in the head** Oh boy

Brian: Dipshit, we’re too SMALL to buy her a damn dress!

Joey: So I’ve got an idea! Let’s make her one instead!

Chris: **shakes his head** Stupid, stupid, stupid . . .

Joey: What?

Chris, Drew, and Brian gather all the girl mice and all the other mice. They begin making the dress; sewing, gathering cloth when . . .

Drew: Uh-oh you guys we need to find some more cloth and beads and stuff

Chris: Why? We’ve already got more than enough

Drew: Umm, that’s what it says in the script

Chris: Oh okay. Why don’t you and Joey go, and me and Brian will stay here with **cough** the girl mice

Joey: I want to be with the girl mice

Brian: Just shut up and go

So Joey and Drew scramble through the walls and into a little hole in the wall, where they see Howie and Ritchie

Howie: Yuck! These pearls! I don’t have a THING to wear!

Ritchie: Well look at THIS piece of junk! My Varcity Sweater is SO tacky!

Howie: You’re right, it is. You have really bad taste, Rich

Ritchie: Don’t CALL me that!

**Both walk out of the room, throwing their unwanted clothes on the floor and arguing**

Drew: Now here’s our chance . . . I’ll grab the sash and you grab the beads

Joey: I don’t see any beans

Drew:…………..Wait! There’s AJ!

**AJ looks around to make sure no one else is around and snorts coke from his collar**

Joey: Is that SUGAR? **Makes a mad dash for AJ**

Drew: Stay here, dumbass! AJ will eat you alive!

Joey: **sniff* but I want some sugar!

Drew:…………..

TO BE CONTINUED! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! WHAT EVER WILL BECOME OF OUR DEAR JOEY? TUNE IN NEXT . . . . . . . MONTH OR SO!