The day the tears stopped, it happened so gradually, I almost didn't notice. Pain was still lounging, as if on vacation. It had been residing so long, it was receiving mail. We started out as enemies, My heart was breaking, my head was spinning, my life was out of control, so many losses. Life had changed, and Pain was there, an uninvited intruder. And the freeloader brought a friend, his friend was as obnoxious as him. His name was Fear, and he shattered my self esteem. Fear was very powerful, he could make my hands sweat, and my heart pound. I couldn't figure out what was happening to me. So many losses and now I was losing myself.
Pain always reminded me of my losses, he was cruel and made sure I didn't forget. And Fear made sure I knew that the world was no longer safe. He had proof, and it came in the form of anxiety. I was so scared, and I hurt so bad, that I thought that I would die. My world was growing smaller, and so was I. The colors, the beautiful colors, that once filled my world were now black and white like a bad movie. It was at these times, that Pain and Fear would come alive and remind me that I was very much alive. My heart was breaking, and my mind was racing, I was losing control, and I was terrified.
I knew that I was alive, because I was still feeling, and I hated the feelings. These feelings were cold and harsh, they spoke of the reality of my life. They were smothering me, and taunting me, and I was afraid they would swallow me. I wanted to run, to just get away, but I realized that no matter where I went, I would still be there, Pain, Fear and me. Fear always reminded me to becareful. He reminded me that I would be full of anxiety, and how close to the edge of losing it I was. He told me that I could not handle life. And then Pain would voice his opinion and say "why bother, you'll only get hurt again". And I was to weak to argue with them sad to say, I was soon agreeing with them.
We were quite a trio, they were taking over my life, and I was trying to act like I was doing fine. I would only do this when someone was around, I would put on this brave face, and fight to keep it on. I fooled alot of people, but the truth was always ever so near. When alone with my emotions, Fear and Pain spoke of loneliness, death and the unsafe world. They were great communicators, and never seemed to run out of war stories. They fed me their posion on a daily basis. And I could count on them for up to the minute news flashes. They made sure it was not censored, they spared no details. Their honesty was staggering, and my life was growing stagnant.
The three of us spent many years together, it was a very unhealthy relationship. But slowly, very slowly, I started to regain some strength, and I wanted what was left of my life back. I knew it wouldn't be easy, and that it would not be the same life. For my Daddy and Grandma and Gayle and my Aunt Madelyn were gone. And even my Mother-in-law died suddenly. Oh how I miss them all, these were people who were a major part of my life. How could so many leave in less then 4 years? As much as I missed them, after years with Fear and Pain, I missed me too. My wounds were deep, and had left permanent scars. These were scars, that no surgeon could remove.
Yes, all these precious people have left me, but they also left beautiful memories, and Fear and Pain could not erase them, they were mine. And I know how much they all loved me, and how proud they were of me. But I knew that there wasn't alot left to be proud of, for I had all but given up. I was finally realizing that they left more then memories. They were a part of who I was. They had always believed in me, and if they believed in me, then I must fight to believe in myself. I knew they wouldn't want any less for me, and I could feel them rooting me on.
It has been a struggle, for Fear had a firm grip on me, but I am learning to stand up to my fears. Fear continued to remind me that I might fail. "But how will I know if I don't try, I argued". Then Pain spoke up and said your Daddy is gone, and you were a Daddy's girl, who will protect you now ?" I was so bewildered, I was shrinking again, and then God spoke to my heart and said, " My child I will never leave you or forsake you". Pain and Fear came in like a flood, they warned me again your cousin Gayle was murdered during a robbery, the world is unsafe. And God spoke again to my pounding heart, and said: " My child I have overcome the world, and I love you". My faith was growing stronger again, Fear and Pain fought to stay in control, and they had been around so long, it was not easy to let go. But I slowly was.
The sun shines brighter now and the stars glow at night, there is color in my world again. I'm slowly winning this battle, as I rebuild my life. Pain and Fear still show up now and then, but they no longer share my life. And I realize I'm much stronger then I thought. I now have good days, and a few not so good, but I laugh again, and I am enjoying life once more. I miss every one of them, but I know I was blessed to share in their lives, and to have them a part of mine. And I know in my heart I will be reunited with them in Paradise. And I also know that I will make it, because God is walking by my side and Jesus Christ lives in my heart.
Hope D.B.
Copyright © 1999, Hope
HOME
Companions Without Compassion
Because Of You
What Is A Christian?
The Grief Process
Should I Ask You Back?
One Bullet, One Dead, Many Injured
My Day In Court
When I Say I Am A Christian
You're Not Alone
Memories Still Live
Hope's Blessings
Jesus Please Help Me
In Loving Memory Of My Father
My Awards
Win My Award
Webrings
Copyright © 1999, Hope
