`Twas the Night After Christmas
(with apologies as appropriate)
T'was the Night After Christmas and all through the net
Not a creature could log on; not e'en on a bet.
Computers unwrapped at the tree-side with care
Included new modems to get "on the air."
And Dexter in his glasses and pocket-protector
Worked hard at the desk to try and connect 'er.
He plugged in the cables and tightened the screws
"I still can't connect!" he shouted his blues.
Just then from his modem arose such a clatter.
He'd forgot "ATM0" to silence the matter.
Away to the phone jack to jiggle the plug.
But it's solid, maybe software is causing the bug?
He tried different numbers he dialed some more.
"Why can't I connect like always before?"
On a whim, he tried dialing the number by hand.
Then he heard it! They're busy! Every node in the land!
He dialed several numbers but no carrier whine!
Did a nuclear EMP knock them off-line?
His resolve became strong. He'd not leave his station!
"I might demon-dial every phone in the nation!"
"On UART! On Modem! On fast CPU!
We must keep on trying! We have to get through!"
"Off Gameport! Off Soundcard! Off Hi-Res Display!
We must save resources! We'll get through THAT way!"
Then finally, it happened. CONNECT on the screen!
Dexter looked, and the CD light now could be seen!
He logged on, but somehow the system seemed slow.
And it bogged down much further the farther he'd go.
"I must know the reason! I've spent so much time
Trying hard to collect all my e-mail on-line!"
At this point, the worst. His system locked up
As lots of chat boxes began to pop up.
"Hey dood, this RULEZ!" said a line of the mess
Another said "You suck!" (I won't quote the rest)
"Wanna trade dirty pictures?" "M or F?" now came over
He thought Beavis and Butthead might be taking over!
But through all of the chats Dexter found one thing weird:
"This new Christmas Modem" had always appeared!
Oh no! Brand new dweebs! Kids without supervision
Turned loose by dumb parents who now watch television!
They're clogging the nets with their insipid chatter!
And we regular users can't settle the matter.
They're rambling and babbling over meaningless fluff.
They're taking up bandwidth from practical stuff.
They've never been on and don't know where to go.
So they stand in the middle and jam up the flow.
They're here without purpose every last girl and boy.
To them, it's no tool - it's just a new toy!
Like a day in the mall, just slacking along,
They slow down REAL shoppers! It's totally wrong!
Dexter froze, then he twitched as he started to fume.
And he called all these kids into one big Chat Room.
"Now look, everyone, between me and you. . .
I know you MUST have at least average I.Q.!"
"But you must understand as you surf on the net
That you're not here alone you must share this space yet!"
"Others came here before and they'll be here again.
And you'll need wiser users to be guides and be friends."
"When you chat, chat with dignity tact and aplomb.
If not, you'll be shunned and be called 'cyber-bum'."
"Your folks do disservice by dropping you here
While they find other rooms to go sip on their beer."
"You need expert guidance to build up the skill
And make the net useful (not just space to fill)."
Some chatters fell silent while others shot flames.
Aimed at Dexter, they printed unprintable names.
Dexter shrugged, he had tried but with minor success
To make some coherence from all of this mess.
Then he thought, "Wait a sec I've little to fear!
Their folks will unplug 'em as phone bills appear!"
These twerps will tie-up parents' phones, and that's fine!
And then Mommy and Daddy will take them off-line!
I'll just wait for a month, then return for the quiet!
If I NEED to log in late at night's when I'll try it.
Dexter sent one last message before he'd log off
"OK little children, just sit there and scoff!"
"I'll leave with one thought" and he ended to them:
"Merry Christmas to all, better R.T.F.M.!!!!!"
©1995 Raymond Pelzer
Used With Permission
Email: aaronsteinmetz@yahoo.com
