Church Definitions
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2.Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the
congregation to lip sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more
quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges
with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered
by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass,
consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners
looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led
by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually
know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David
Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating
capacity of a pew.
Email: aaronsteinmetz@yahoo.com
