My Exercise Diary
For my birthday this year my wife purchased a week of private lessons at
the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on
the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to
go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named
Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic
clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was
to get started.
The club suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
Day 1.
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it
when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's
something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She
showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think
just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points.
Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did
my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in
the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!
Day 2.
Took a lot of willpower to get me out the door, but I made it.
Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the
air. Then she put weights on it for heaven's sake! Legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it
all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain
that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long
as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a
little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other
club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster.
Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise
would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl.
I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to
tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The
word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until
she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing
machine. It sank.
Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my
body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would
be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I
don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand
me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU
went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back
into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies professor?
Day 6.
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine wondering where I
was. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven
straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next
time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a free
upper-colon exam or gum surgery.
Email: aaronsteinmetz@yahoo.com
