Instructions on How to Give Your Cat a Pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head
just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force
cat's mouth, open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of
water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for VET to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if
they have any hamsters.
Email: aaronsteinmetz@yahoo.com
