Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
Dining Out:
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to bruise the fruit of the vine. If drinking
directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering
the label.
Entertaining in Your Home:
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using ones OWN truck keys.
However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
to detract from a women's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.
Dating: (outside the family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested. "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theatre Etiquette:
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
Weddings:
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for longer than 5 seconds can get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though
uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Tips for all Occasions:
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.
Email: aaronsteinmetz@yahoo.com
