Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 6: It started to snow. The first snow of the seasonand
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love
snow!
December 7: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there
be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea
I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man.
I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my [expletive removed] on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like [expletive changed] heck. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it
to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to
death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the
[expletive removed] stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. The
[expletive removed] snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid
to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think
they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying
a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I
think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it
done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white [expletive adjusted] shlict fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed
up to go out to shovel and then I had to urinate. By the time I got
undressed, urinated and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried
to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but
he says he's too busy. I think the [expletive removed] is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she
nuts?!!?! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
[expletive removed] who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the
snow by his [expletive changed] nose . I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the
street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.
December 25: merrychristmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed
in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm
going to kill her.
December 26: Still [expletive removed] snowed in. Why the [expletive
removed] did I ever move to this [expletive removed] [expletive removed]
place? It was all HER [expletive removed] [expletive removed] [expletive
removed] idea. She's really getting on my [expletive removed] nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. She is driving me
crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9 inches predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 6: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Email: aaronsteinmetz@yahoo.com
